Friday, April 28, 2006

So now what!?

Last night I almost told my best friend that I was gay. We were at the beach surfing when we noticed some dolphins in the water. It was really cool, so we just sat on our boards and watched them as they played around. It was really awesome, we just sat there talking about all sorts of things. Like how we were just about to finish our second year of college and we had no idea what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives. We talked about all of the problems that we were having at home, like how its getting increasingly difficult to have any freedom when we come home for the holidays and the summers. It was really nice to just relax and talk about nothing, but still it sucked because I knew that I wasn't about to let my gaurd down. At some point we started to talk about our love lives, or his love life and my big gaping hole where a love life should be. I hate coming up with excuses about why I never have a girlfriend, and I hate how I have to lead all these different girls along ike I want to be with them. But in the end they always leave me alone, completely annoyed with all of my excuses on why I missed our date or why we couldn't sleep together. In my head I went over what would happen if I told him that I was gay. When I go over this scenario he is always kind and understanding, but then we never speak again. Even though I am almost positive that he wouldn't just stop talking to me, I just can't chance that kind of rejection at this point in my life. The dolphins swam away sometime while we were talking, so we caught a wave back to the beach, and I felt completely miserable. A perfect evening ruined by my lies... I felt like the moment needed a picture, so that's what the pic above is all about. Can't you just feel my isolation??

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