Thursday, May 18, 2006

About me...




I come from an extremely macho environment. When there are a bunch of us in a room, people are always wrestling or yelling or watching some sport on television that I pretend to enjoy. 2 of my aunts are lesbians, and these are also the 2 that spent the most time taking care of me. I was aware of homosexuality long before society tried to convince me that it was wrong or different. My aunt Dana used to date a fly-girl that is now a semi-famous choreographer, and my aunt Lee, used to date a pro-volleyball player that is now a retired pro surfer. So you would think that living in such a lesbian friendly environment would make life out of the closet pretty easy, but its kind of the exact opposite. It is an unspoken law with my family, that being homosexual is okay, just as long as you are a lesbian. My whole family hates gay men. They look down on them and consider them less than human.

The only things that can be agreed upon by my relatives are, beers + bitches = a good time. And for awhile that was okay with me. I could never be as big of a womanizer as my aunt Dana, because there is no way that I could ever see myself slapping a girl on the ass and telling her to go make me a sandwich, but I enjoyed the camaraderie that I shared with my aunts and uncles and their affinity for women. I am not entirely sure how to explain this, but even though I grew up with homosexuality as everyday normalcy, it seemed like women were the only option when it came to relationships. So I never thought about being with a guy.

That is until the day I was actually with a guy. It was a tumultuous time in my life because I was a senior in H.S. rebelling against a lot of the things that had made me "Mr. Popular" . I was hanging out with this guy I met from UCLA, I completely idolized him, because he was the exact guy that I wanted to be! He was this super confident Asian man (of 19 years, I was newly 15 at the time), that had a perfect balance of his Asian culture and American life. He was the guy that helped me to understand that I did not have to lose who I was in order to be successful in life. One day I went over to his apartment to vent about the everyday stresses of being a teenager and how nobody understood me! He was always really good at listening to me and actually making me feel like he was hearing what I was saying. I gave him a hug to thank him, and I guess that it lasted a bit longer than I intended it to, because he finally had to pull away, but when he did, he kissed me.

At that moment I knew I was gay. Besides the HUGE erection forming in my pants, there was this general euphoric sensation that settled over my entire body and for a moment I felt like life was PERFECT! I hadn't even thought about being gay until right then, but with that one kiss I knew this had been what was wrong when I was making out with girls. So of course I left immediately and I never spoke to him again. For a very long time I convinced myself I wasn't into guys and the thing that made our kiss so intense was the fact that I had so much admiration for him because he was such an amazing person. It was pretty easy, because I have this uncanny ability to self delude.

So for three years I went on dating my girlfriend Liz and secretly meeting guys on the internet. Liz is the most amazing girl on the planet. She is smart, funny, drop dead gorgeous, and the most sensitive and caring person that I have ever met. I was with her on and off for three years (Even though we only dated for 3 years I had known her for over 8 years!), and I just kept getting more and more depressed, and I could not figure out why. Everything in my life was going very well, and nothing was happening to make me upset. After a very long while I was finally able to realize that I was upset because I knew that if I couldn't desire a girl this amazing, girls weren't for me. I broke up with Liz, and even though I didn't desire her sexually, I really loved her. It was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do, because I couldn't even be honest with why I wanted out of this relationship. This is also the time in my life where equating myself to a common slut would probably be the most accurate description of myself at that point in time.

This is getting ridiculously long, I am going to have to finish the rest of this in my next post. Stay tuned kewl kats! O and a little about the picture! I took this picture when I first got my tripod a few years ago. I set my camera on a timer and I tried to take a picture of myself where I was perpendicular with the ground, but I couldn't get it right! Then I went home and I uploaded these pictures to my computer and I liked what I saw. This picture reminds me that I can set out to achieve a goal, and even if I fail, there is always something to be gained from the experience.

15 comments:

Asher said...

Maybe your family will be a lot more accepting than you think. It must have been hard for them to accept your aunts when they first came out to your family, but then your family probably accepted them and adjusted accordingly. Maybe this ultra macho environment is just a byproduct of your family over compensating, and when you come out to your family, things will shift again and you will be able to feel more comfortable. I honestly do not thin that a family that would accept lesbians as normal would reject thier gay family that they love just as much. I think that once you are fully able to accept this part of yourself, your family will just fall right into place. It seems like this is more of an internal struggle than one with your family. I wish you luck with you figuring things out. I can't wait to hear what happened at Sea World!

Marc said...

I hate to sound like an insensite prick, but if your relatives were able to accept lesbians into thier lives, they will be able to accept you! Its really not that big of a difference! You need to suck it up and be a man, because once you do you are going to realize that you had nothing to fear!

Todd said...

I do not think that things are as simple as the people that have left comments before me think that they are. I am sure that if it were as easy to come out as they are saying that it will be for you, you would have done it already. Don't let people tell you that your feelings are wrong! Its not their choice, and they do not know you or your family well enough to make you go against your natural intuitions! That said, I am almost positive that your family atleast has some suspicions about your orientation, and once you do come out, I do not think that it will be that schocking. They are already in tune with gay life and have been long before you were born. And when you get older your gaydar gets better! So your aunts know something, and they are prbably just waiting for you to be ready. But take your time because this is not a race! I can't wait to read what happened at sea world!

brady said...

Though this is something that we all go through, I think that you have a very unique perdicament. I am not entirely sure if I agree with Todd because it seems like you have been living a pretty hetero life for your whole life. I think that once you do come out you are going to be mildly surprised about hw much they will accept yu though. I think that the only reason things are the way that they are in your house is because everybody has adapted to the fact that everybody likes women. Once you let them in on that little fact that you don't, they will be completely understanding and they might even feel a little bit bad for making you feel like you couldn't share such a large part of your life with them. They remember the pain of having to lie to everybody in thier lives, and they love you so they would never want you to do the same thing. Be brave because I am positive that this will be a good experience for you when you actually decide to come out to them.

Anonymous said...

you suck and are a total pussy! WTF is wrng with you!? Don't you realize that every gay person on the planet would love to be in your situation!? You already know that your family is going to be okay with you being gay, but you are still in the closet! I DON"T GET IT! And frankly it just really pisses me off just thinking about this! I am sorry that you are such a wuss and I wish you luck with that backbone you are planning on growing you fucking girl!

Josh said...

hahah that's cute, how did your mom think that you could grow up straight after she named you after a soap opera character! haha that totally sounds like something my mother would have done if she only had thought about it! I love your blog, as I have said before, but I just wanted to comment on what people are saying here. It seems like everybody is overlooking the part of your post where you state that your family isn't understanding or empathetic towards gay guys! I am sure that you are not just pulling this out of your ass, and that there is some actual life experience behind why you feel the way that you do! I think that people are basing thier ideas off of how they should feel your relatives should react, and they don't understand that people are irrational! So just because they accept one thing, doesn't mean they will accept something else. Contrary to popular belief, a gay guy is very different from a lesbian! And while they do share a common struggle, they aren't the same! So if you feel like they won't understand then they might not! You just need to find a way to be comfortable with yourself and who you are, then you can worry about your family later.

Trenton said...

I agree with Josh, people suck! They all suck because everybody is so god damned irrational! I understand what you are saying and I think that you should not be swayed by all of these people that don't really know your situation, expecially "anonymous" that guy is a total douche! I love your blog keep up the good work!

matt said...

I like that picture. Its really nice. The colors are very strange though, what did you do to them?? I don't really have any ideas on what you should do with your life though, it sounds like a hard situation that you are in, I just hope that you fine a way to be happy though, because you seem like the kind of person that deserves it.

chad said...

I don't want to sound like an idiot or anything, but do you think that there is a chance that being raised (atleast partialy) by gay people turned you gay?

aaron said...

I like your post because I have never quite heard of a situation like yours. I am very interested in learning more about it, I hope that you will talk about your family and what it was like growing up in a situation like that. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read about what happened to you at sea world!

Abe said...

You have a very interesting writing style. Its like you are talking to your reader. I enjoy it a lot it seems very personal. I also like what you have to say, and I think that you have a very interesting life. I am not going to offer you any advice, especially since you didn't ask for any. But I am going to say that I feel like you are being judged unfairly by a lot of the people leaving comments. They assume that you do not know your family or yourself. While you might not be comfortable with who you are, you definitely know yourself! I can tell by the way you choose your words and the way that you express yourself in your pictures. have a nice day!

Rich said...

I was wondering what made you come to the conclusion that you liked guys in that earlier post of yours. now a few weeks later the secret is revealed! I love your blog. You have a great view on life and one day after you are able to show your family and the world who you really are, you are going to become unstoppable! Stay positive, and don't forget to keep your persective.

Ben said...

I just have one question... What is the relationship between you and Liz like now? It seemed like even though you guys could not have a physical relationship together, there was still something special between you two. Just because you guys didn't work out as boyfriend and girlfriend doesn't mean that you need to lose her as a friend. Just like you say, even if you set out to do one goal, it doesn't matter just as long as you learn from it! You learned that there was an amazing person that you really care about living on this planet. Good for you, don't lose that!

Brandon said...

When do we get to hear what happens next?? Also I really like your picture! You look really cute! I know that we can't see your face, I have noticed that in all of your pictures... But you definitely have a nice body dude!!

tim said...

I just felt like telling you that you have a very nice body. That is all.