Tuesday, May 23, 2006

My world just ended.

My mother just came into my room to talk. She told me that I am hurt because I have not been praying enough, and I have probably slipped from my path. She told me that its time that I start to go to bible study with her because the rapture is coming very soon, and she does not want me to be left behind. She told me that she was going to this bible study on friday and that I should really go with her. I told her that I was having a crisis of faith at the moment and it wouldn't be the best place for me. She went on talking about all sorts of things that I could do to get "right" with the lord. Somehwere in that conversation, she started talking about homosexuality, and how she felt bad for all of them because they were all going to hell. And how she used to be accepting to them until she saw the light. Now that she knows the reality of the situation she will never be quiet about her views on the subject. She said a lot more on the subject, but I couldn't listen to it anymore, I kind of felt outside of my body. I honestly feel like this was even worse than actually coming out to her. This was like a preview of what would happen if I ever did. I started crying and she didn't understand why. I asked her to leave and she did. All that I want to do is go to the beach and jump into the water with my surfboard. But I can't. I can't even get out of my freakin bed. My hands are shaking and my head hurts. I have this awful feeling in my stomache, and I can't stop crying. I honestly feel like she could not have said anything worse to me. I now know that she won't ever accept me as her gay son. This is really turnning out to be a really crappy week. In the morning I am going to call my aunt and have her come over and pack up all of my stuff because I can not stay here anymore. I can't remember ever feeling this sad. I feel very alone.

20 comments:

marcus said...

You are not alone! I can tell you right now that you still have family that will love you! Your aunts are going to stick by you no matter what. And I remember reading that you feel like they are your parents just as much as your biological ones. Maybe they are the ones that truely love you more. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. But don't let your mother influence your self esteem. I get that she is a huge part of your life, but just because she is your mother does not mean that she knows what is best for you! You are a good, kind and caring person. You are also a very sensitive soul. It is such an endearing quality. Do not lose that because of this! Keep your head up! Maybe living with your aunts will turn out to be a really good thing for you.

Brian said...

I feel soooo bad for you man. I was reading this and I started getting very emotional. I am soo sorry that your mom can't see what she is doing to her son. I am sure that she loves you, its just that she is blinded by her religion. I guess that this was not the ideal situation for you to be in at this moment, but everything happens for a reason, and I honestly believe that. You might have started off having a really bad week, but there is every chance in the world that is won't end this way. Do not allow yourself to be destroyed by this! You are a great person who obviously cares a lot about his family and thier opinion of you. Your mom raised you to be a great man. Trust that she will recognize that in you, and love you no matter what!

Josh said...

I can not imagine how upset you are right now. It makes me so sad to think that another person is in so much pain. I am sure that if your mother knew what she was doing to you she would feel completely in the wrong about this. I am not saying that you should tell her! Especially after the bomb that she dropped on you, I am just saying that she seems like she cares a lot for you and she does not realize that she hurt you by sharing her views. I hope you know that you will be okay. You just had a very important person in your life hurt you, but you are going to get through this. Even if it seems like you aren't going to, you really will! I think that you are a good person who deserves to be happy. Do not let your mother make you feel like you are any less of a person! I hope that you feel better soon.

Ricky said...

O man, I just want to give you a hug. I don't think that you should be by yourself right now. I think that you should call somebody that you trust to be with you becuase you are going through some very heavy emotions, and you need another person with you to gain some persective. Don't let these feelings that you are having fester and grow. You need to talk to somebody! I hope that you can trust someone that you love and care about so you can seriously talk this through with them! I wish you the best, and I hope that you understand that this bad feeling will pass.

Marc said...

First of all I would like to say that I do not think that you are going to hell just because you are gay. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and I can honestly say that you seem like a creative and caring person that has a firm grasp on your morals. God made you the way that you are, do not change because your mom doesn't believe that anymore! Secondly I would like to just say that your mother's views on this matter in now way give you foresight into what she might do if you ever came out to her. I think her values and priorities would seriously be called into question by herself the second she found out that you are gay. Because you are the kind of son that a mother dreams her son will be when he grows up! I wish that I could comfort you, but I really like what one of the other guys said. You really need to fins somebody to talk to about this. You can't just keep all the feelings that you are going through inside. I hope that you can find somebody that you trust enough to share this with. Don't try to deal with this alon!

martin said...

That had to be one of the most heartbreaking things that I have read in a very long time. I am so sorry for you! I have no idea what to say to you, but I just felt like I needed to comment and tell you that I think that you are a great guy. Don't let this destroy your world. You are a very special person and I am sorry that you are having such an awful week. I wish you the best.

brent said...

Gosh I really wish that I had something to tell you that would make you feel better! I think that you are doing thr right thing leaving your mom's house though. I don't think that you are running away or anything, its just that you would not want to stay in a situation like that! I hope that you are doing better this morning. You are a great guy and I love your art and your writing style you are a unique and sesnitive guy don't let this change who you are.

Anonymous said...

maybe you aren't upset because your mom won't accept you as a gay person. Maybe you are just upset because you are going to hell. You have made a choice about yourself and the way that you live your live that is not right with the lord, now you have to pay the consequences. You are a sinner and you are going to hell and you know its true because your mother just convicted you! I am sorry that you are suffering so much, you obviously know that you are living an immoral life. You are just to weak and full of satan to be a christian and be right with the lord. Sorry that you are a fag.

Frank said...

That guy that commented above me is a total loser! He has no right to say those things to you, and you should not pay attention to what it is that he has to say! You are a good guy who OBVIOUSLY cares about what your parents think of you. You do your best to be the best son that you can, and that is what makes you a good person. You can't help who you love, don't let this change who you are. I know many guys who have had bad experiences like this and have become completely different people. I love your blog and your view on life. I know that you are going to come through this a stronger person.

Aaron said...

This is going to sound a lot like what other people have said already, but I feel like it really needs to be repeated. You are an awesome person! You have tis great sense of humor and an awesome way to ope with things! What your mother said to you in no way reflects how she feels about you. She has no idea that you are gay, and if she did, she would seriously take stock on her faith. I think that you are a good person and I am positive that your mother would feel the same way, and once she sees that, she will change her views. I am not saying that you should come out to her, because doing it now might not be great since you are sooo emotional. But I just feel like once you have, she will change for you.

Tyler K said...

When you called me over alst night, I had no idea what you wre about to share with me. I am sorry that all that I could do was sit with you, but I know you to well to try and tell you all the things that make you a good person, because you never want to hear about it. But you are. You are the most kind hearted person that I have ever met. When I first met you, we were in the 8th grade and you were organizing a beach cleaning! And the thing is, you have never changed! Your whole life has been about helping others Eric. You are the most unselfish person that I have ever met and I love you with all of my heart! If it weren't for you do you really think that any of us would have done any of the outreach and vlounteer work or the millions of other things that I can't think of at the moment!? I only bring this up because if a person as caring and unselfish as you is a persont that is going to hell, then there is no hope for any of us. I sincerely believe that you are the type of person that others should aspire to be. We all love you because we know that you love us no matter what! I am sorry that you felt like you could not share yourself with us! You are my best friend and there is nothing that you could ever say to change that, because you are wonderful. I know that your mom has gone through a lot of changes over the years with her faith and what not, and I know that she loves you. I just want to let you know, that you will never be alone, becuase I will always be there for you. And when you are ready to tell everyone else I am going to be right there with you.

Your friend
Tyler

Perrin said...

After I read your blog I felt really bad for you. Then I read your comments and I got to the last one. I think that it is great that you told someone and that you got such a positive response from them. You really do sound like a very great man who is capable of great things. I hope that this positive experience with your friend inspires you to keep the ball rolling an dyou can start to come out to other people in your life. I wish you all the luck and the happiness in the world!

Andrew said...

I am both sad and happy for you. I am sad about what your mother said and how it made you feel. But I am also happy for you because it really seems like you have a freind that cares about you deeply. After what he had to say, I am not sure if there are many people in this world that would dislike you very much. I know that in the end things will work out for you because you are the type of person that makes things happen. From what your friend had to say, you should be soo proud of what you have done with your life and just let everything else fall into place. keep smiling.

Chuck said...

After reading what your friend had to say about you I know that you are a truely amazing person! I think that even though you are going through a rough patch right now, I know that you will be okay because good things happen to good people, and you are a very good person. Never think for a second that only straight people deserve to find happiness, because that is just simply not true! You need to recognize that goodness in yourself and stop doing yourself a disservice by thinking that you are less than you actually are! your post was heartbreaking and I am sorry that your mother feels the way that she does about homosexuals, but you just might be the person who changes her mind. Keep smiling, you have a great personality and an awesome way to see the world.

carl said...

I know that you said that you were having a hard time coping with things now since you can't go surfing to go and work things out in your head,. But you can do what many of us gay men do now! Watch the sound of music and sing along! Or play some bette midler and sing along! There are so many other ways besides surfing to express yourself. You still have your art don't you!>? I would love to see what you could create with all of your emotions right now, I think that you are a very interesting artist. Good luck with figuring things out.

kiel said...

Do be stressed out about this. These things have a way to work out all on their own. Do not make this be the thing that ruins your life. This is not going to be then end of you, this is only going to be something that makes you even more compassionate than you already are. I hope that you feel better and are back out there helping out with others very soon, because it really seems like that is your calling in the world.

Ralph said...

I don't really have anything to say, I just want to let you know that I feel for you and I hope that you don't let this get you down for to long.

Jeremy said...

Well now that it has been an entire day later I was just wondering where you were emotionally. I am hoping that you are doing better, especially after having such an amazing response from your friend. That guy sounds like a great guy and so do you. I hope that you are doing better! I look forward to reading about how you are doing!

Dan said...

Don't ever think that you are any less of a man that you are. After what your friend had to say about you I have no doubt in my mind that you are a good person that doesn't just sit around doing nothing. You actually make a difference in this world, and you accpect nothing in return. THat is the sign of a man with great character and strength. If I were to do something like that I would deffinitely be the type of person that would want some recognition, or atleast mention it in my blog. But I bet you that it is so normal to you that you wouldn't even think to mention it! You are an awesome person and I know that you will get through this, because you have built your life on kindness and love for others. That means that when you need help you will have it from everybody around you! I hope that you see it.

Terry said...

Eric, I agree with most of the comments written above. I thought you'd be interested in something that might help combat religious ignorance.

On the religious side: first, gently tell your mom that the word "rapture" appears nowhere in the Bible (either in the Old or New Testament). If she and/or her minister are referring to 1Thess4:17 ("...to meet the Lord in the air...") then she and/or her minsiter are ignoring 2Thess2:1-12 which basically says the son of perdition will return to earth *first* (i.e. before the Lord) and he will be pretending to be Christ. Christ returns to earth on the 7th Trump; not before. So those who want to "fly away" will be flying with the wrong entity. Surprise! to them.

And second, gently remind your mom that there is only one unforgiveable sin and that is for God's elite to refuse to allow God to speak through them when they are confronted by Satan at the end of this earth age. All other sins are forgiveable. Homosexuals will not burn in hell unless God orders that they do (more than likely for something other than being homosexual). Through Christ we can have all sins forgiven. Those who take Leviticus 20:13 as meaning that homosexuals are doomed ("...shall surely be put to death...") haven't read it all and are taking one verse -- out of context -- without going beyond that one verse! And they don't understand the rest of the Bible.

Third and last, gently remind your mom that you recall reading something about "throwing stones." The last I checked only God makes the judgement about who will or will not go to hell. No man or woman can determine who will and who will not. And your mom should become more compassionate for her fellow sinners -- she, as a sinner herself, may need compassion some day.

Sorry. I really didn't mean to preach; just to set the religious angle correct.