Tuesday, June 20, 2006

A night surf.

I just got back from surfing at Ocean Trails. At night, this has to be one of the most hazardous things that a person can do. But the waves were kick ass and I had serious cabin fever, so I decided that it was worth a broken neck, and I let my friends peer pressure me into going! What makes this place so dangerous is that there are many hurdles that you must get over before you even reach the beach. First there is a private golf course that you have to traverse. Then you have to climb down the side of a pretty steep cliff. Then you have to walk about 1/2 mile to the point of the peninsula where the waves are completely free from breaking against land. Once you get to the surf spot, there are two things that make the actual surfing experience pretty deadly. The first thing is the fact that there are absolutely no lights around what so ever! You are in the middle of nowhere and all that you have to see are the stars in the sky, and the glowsticks that we wear around our necks. The second danger is the rocks. They are everywhere! And depending on the tide, there are very dangerous spots to surf in that you would not even know about unless you are a local.

We left at 8, and we surfed until 10. Then after we were completely wiped out and our glowsticks stopped being so glowie, we built a bonfire and passed around the old bong. When I smoke I get very pensive and reticent. I started thinking about Kim and the way that I totally blew her off after she put her foot in her mouth, and I felt bad. She didn't deserve to be treated that way because she wasn't trying to be mean to me. Everybody puts their foot in their mouths at some point, and they deserve a second chance after doing so. I picked up my cell phone and I gave her a call. I told her that tomorrow I had freed up some time and I would love to take her around the city and show her where all the cool kids hang. She seemed to love the idea, and told me that she couldn't wait for tomorrow. I really suck at holding a grudge! I just feel like it takes way to much energy to be angry at someone.

The walk back was pretty funny. We were all falling over each other and having a pretty good time. It was a perfect moment for me, because we were all just hanging out like we used to. I miss doing this. At some point I put up this wall around myself because I knew that I was gay and that most of these friendships would be dead ends once they found out. But at moments like these I feel like I am ontop of the world, because we are all just buddies acting silly and having fun. I wish that my sexuality wasn't such an issue.

I discovered this picture a few weeks ago. When I saw it I could not stop laughing! I felt awful for laughing at this poor boy's plight, but its so funny! I immediately printed the picture and proceeded to show everybody that I knew this picture. Everybody laughed at it just as much as I had. Then I showed Eddie. Eddie laughed, and then he pointed out how much this kid looked like me at that age! And now he ruined it! He magically put the word out that it was me, because right after he pointed it out, all of my other friends started to bring it up! Now I don't like this picture anymore. Because he really does look exactly like me at that age!


J.P. said...

That is a vicious pigeon! It looks like he is aiming for that poor boy!! OMG!! This is sooo funny! hahaha! The more that I think about it the funnier it becomes!

I am happy that you are giving Kim another chance. She definitely needs to learn a little bit more about acceptable things to say to people. its good of you to realize that she wasn't trying to be malice or anything like that. Lets just hope that she doesn't make you regret your kindness.

Your buddies sound like a lot of fun. I was really enjoying your post until I got to that paragraph about your walk back. That was soo sad. I am sorry that you don't think that most of your friends can handle that you are gay. I get it though. I am a surfer up in Santa Barbara. If my friends knew that I was gay, I wouldn't have any friends. And I am pretty sure that I would get my ass beat a few times. We definitely chose the wrong sport to love.

Asher said...

OMG!! That bird is totally aiming for that kid! That is an intentional attack right there! I love this picture.

You are a bigger man that I am because I totally would not have given that kentucky chick a second chance! I am Asian, and I would have given her one chance, and then I would have thrown her out of my car. You are a fucking saint. I hope that you understand that.

Riley said...

I feel sad for you. You defintely did a good job making your evening sound like a fun time, but that one paragraph was very telling. You sound very sad and disconected from all of the people around you. I am not a surfer, but I am on a college hockey team and reading that paragraph really got to me. That is a universal situation for all of us. That moment where we can almost forget that we are different from our friends and its just us. But the second that reality sets in again, it hurts twice as much as it did before. I have never seen or heard what I was going through until I read your blog. It sucks being us sometimes, you know?

Anonymous said...

I'm in awe right now. All this remorse for they way you treated the annoying girl... It reminds me of the tv series Seventh Heaven.
You sound so cute. And honest. The issues you have faced before have made you a grown man, but your way of living life still reflects the joy and amazement of a kid. That's just so cool.

WhiteflameNZ said...

Its a lot easier to say then do, but if your friends wont accept you for who you are then were they really your friends in the first place? Its a hurdle every gay guy who wants to come out must confront. I know I did, you have to be prepared to lose some people in pursuit of your own happiness.

I was lucky, I havent lost any friends, in fact I have grown a lot closer to the ones I have. I dont think you can truly predict the way anyone is going to react, and many of them will surprise you.

You should come surfing at Piha if you ever make it to NZ, then you will find out all about dangerous rocks and super fast rips. The number of flippers I have lost out there...... (that makes it sound like I surf.... I dont, I am very anti salt water, way too many living things, its a shame I live at a beach huh)

Marc said...

You are such a kind person! If I were you the last thing on my mind would be how I made that stupid girl feel. I don't care where a person is from, if they say retarded shit like that, than its over!

I am a surfer also. I love how your life revolves around your surfboad and you are going crazy without it, becuase I feel the exact samw way becuase I attend colege in Arizona! I love being home because I miss the ocean so freakin much, but I feel your pain. While I do agree whiteflamenz that you should give your friends a chance to prove themselves. We both know that surfers aren't like normal people. You live in the South Bay, so I know that you know what I mean. Its a tough call, but no matter what. You are probably the kindest person that your friends know. I doubt that there are many people on this planet that could find good reason to be mean to you. Atleast you have that going for your, right?

Kiel said...

I don't understand you at all! First you can't stand this girl for being a lout, and the all of a sudden you are invitng her on a tour of the city!? I don't get it. I think that if I were you I would have just stayed as far away from her as possible.

I would not know what to do with your friends though. If you are really scared for your safety or something like that, then obviously you need to stay away! So if you are just worried that your friends will stop talking to you you might as well tell them what's going on with you so they atleast have a reason why you have hose to stop associating with anybody. Well that was a long sentence.

Trevor said...

Once again you are the one with the superior moral integrity. I hate how nice you are sometimes! I would have left that girl at the hotel until camp started! Atleast I don't walk like an 80 yr old man! hahaha J/K!!

That whole paragraph about your walk back was really sad. You really do need to give your friends a chance to react in their own ways. You have to tell them because they deserve as much. I am sure that it will all turn out a lot better than you think. You are to awesome for anybody to hate you over something so trivial as sexual orientation.

Josh said...

Dude don't worry, this to shall pass. You are way to strong and kind to have people in your life not accept you for who you are. I am sure that all of the friends in your life treat you as you treat them. There is no way that anybody could fault you for being gay.

I am very impressed with you and your way of dealing with things. But maybe you aren't seeing things clearly in this situation. Take a step back and stop thinking about it so much. Then when it feels natural to you, try and attack this issua again.

Jason said...

I hope that everything works out with your friends. It would be awful to lost your friends over something so trvial. I doubt that any of your friends would stop talking to you over this. You are too special for them to lose you over something like that.

Anonymous said...

I think that you should talk to your aunts. They have been in the game a lot longer than you have. I am sure that they have something great to tell you. I am 22 and pretty new to all things gay. If I were you I would be using them to figure out as much as I could.


Bryan said...

I can't wait to hear about how your day went! I hope that you don't end up regretting your kindness! Don't forget that no good deed goes unpunished!

dan said...

hey did you get my email btw, great post, glad you had fun, i guess your back is feeling a lot better right? take it easy, later.

Terry said...

Yah, I hope your back is feeling better, too. You're so lucky and gifted to know how to surf. I've been in the area for all but nine years of my life and have only body surfed. I know Ocean Trails and have been there several years ago with some friends.... Night surfing there? You *are* lucky that you weren't killed or seriously injured.

Unlike the other commenters, I fully understand why you don't just scream to the world that you are gay. Jeez, it took me years before I told myself that I respected my friends enough - and thought that our friendships were solid enough - to let them decide if they liked me for me or if they liked the part of me that I let them see. [sorry for the overrun sentence, I'm too tired to correct it.]

Finally, as for Kim: good for you! I have a very hard time with unworldly people making the generalizations that she made. But, also, like you I have a terrible time holding a grudge. Maybe it will work out for the best.