Sunday, June 11, 2006

Spazzing.


Okay I am sober right now and I am sitting in class with a mild burning in my back that shoots down to a sharp pain straight down my right leg. Nobody really needs my help because I was quite thorough with what was expected of them and I even wrote down a cheat sheet with all of my favorite shortcuts and commands for each of them. So I am pretty bored at the moment.

However those things are now what is stressing me out right now. I was rereading my post and my comments and I am extremely worried now. When did I become such a public figure that random people on the streets could recognize me!? Was this an isolated situation or have people noticed me before and not said anything!? What does that mean for me and the way that I act in public with guys like Eddie!? These are not problems that I thought that I was going deal with this early in my life. Its that stupid article in this magazine last month! This is why they noticed me and knew who I was!

I can't handle this and I am really freaking out about this whole situation! I am seriously thinking about becoming a recluse. I could live in my parents guest house for the rest of my life and never leave it! Oh man I am not okay with being in the public eye at all! I was just becoming comfortable with this whole gay thing, and now I get hit with this and I am freaking out even more than I was before. I thought that it would feel good to rant a little bit to get this all off my chest, but now I just have all these other thoughts of what COULD happen and what probably WILL happen to me if this all comes out and I am feeling a bit queasy. I need to stop this.

I tried to occupy my mind with a new picture, but even that is stressing me out. This is what I have come up with so far. I don't think that I am going to work on it any further.

30 comments:

Asher said...

Take a deep breath, and calm down. You have to relax and realize that this was a good thing and not a bad thing. I am sure that the guys at the beach did not think that you were gay, becuase they probably would have said something if they thought that you were. But I am pretty sure that isn't what is stressing you out, its more the idea that now you have no idea who knows who you are and who doesn't. I get that this is a huge deal becuase you take comfort in your anonimity and it would seem like you have run out of it.

However you knew that this would happen to you sooner or later, and now it is up to you what you want to do next. I guess that these are hard questions to ask yourself when your hand is being forced, but what kind of man do you want to be? That post last week really inspired you to think about these heavy issues, and now you are dealing with them for real. Hopefully you already have an idea in your head what you think that you should do.

The picture that you made is fucking hilarious! Even when you are stressed out you have a wicked sense of humor! I love it. I think that it is pretty much done anyway and there isn't much more that you could do to it. I wish you luck and happiness with whatever you choose.

Charlie said...

I don't know what to say. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your situation. Its so funny because I know so many people that would kill to be famous, and for you it is the exact opposite. I feel awful that anybody would need to hide who they were to make it at anything, but sports are just backwards like that. I played a couple of varsity sports in HS but I quit them after HS becuase I could not go through college in the closet. I get where you are coming from all to much. When I was faced with the decision that you are faced with now, I chose to stop doing hwat I loved. I am not saying that it was the right decision, or the wrong one, but I made a choice. If you stay in this limbo and try to have the best of both worlds you are going to have a lot more days like this. And I don't think that its worth it for anybody to live like that.

Anonymous said...

When you get that feeling that something is wrong and you feel ashamed for doing it that usualy means that it is wrong and that you should not be doing it! It looks like you just had your wake up call. Take it for what it is. CHange your ways and maybe you might be able to find true happiness once you confess your sins.

Marc said...

Listen "anonymous" you are a dickhead, and you are kind of ignorant. Eric is not upset because he feels ashamed of who he is. He is upset because people like you make his life very difficult to deal with. You are an awful person for trying to kick a man while he is down.

Eric, I get that you are stressed out about what happened to you last night, but think about this whole delayed reaction. You didn't feel like there was anything wrong until the next day! Why do you think that it took so long? I will tell you why! It took so long because you are stressed out about nothing! You had a very positive experience where a couple of guys recognized you for the talented person that you are, and let you borrow their board to go for a couple of waves. That sounds awesome to me.

So yeah, maybe now other people might recognize you and want to talk to you, but is that a really bad thing? I don't think that you need to change your behavior at all becuase what is the worst thing that can happen? Someone sees you and tries to confront you with it? What are they going to do hit you? You are a trained martial artist. Getting their ass kicked by a gay guy is probably not on thier top 10 list. Besides I dount that it will ever come to that. SHow no shame and they will have nothing to shame you for!

You are a brave, smart and talented man. These qualities are yours and nobody can take them away becuase they don't like the choices that you have made in your personal life. Even if everybody in the world knew that you were gay, you would still posess all of these qualities and you would still be a great man. Never let anybody tell you that you are less of a man than you are.

Don't let anybody choose your future for you. They make their choices and you make yours. Do things on your own terms and you will be a better man for it. You are very young and I am sorry that you have to make life changing decisions so early. But I know that you can do it because you are an awesome guy. Good luck!

Brian said...

I love what Marc said. I think that he put the whole thing beautifully. Eric, you are an amazing person and I think that you have a lot to offer this world. Don't shy away from this. You are obviously talented, Josh said so and your fans confirmed it. I am writing my psych thesis on how 20 is the new 16, so if you think about it in those terms, you have even more life ahead of you! Don't make any decisions right now if you don't have to. Wait as long as you want. I think that you are a very talented artist as well as a surfer. Your latest picture is quite funny. I can't decide which one I like better of the 2 that you have posted today!

Kai said...

I like what Marc said also, and in a perfect world that would work. However we do not live in a perfect world and I don't see how a person can live up to that kind of emptional pressure and not crack! I would not be able to do this and keep a clear head. Everything would just build up until my head would eventually explode! I hate to be a downer, I am just more of a pramatist. I don't feel like a person could be happy standing up to this kind of negativity day in and day out.

I can see why you have put this off for so long. If I were you I would wait another few years before I would commit to any one decision. You are so talented in so many different ways, but talent isn't everything. You need to have something more that will help you to protect yourself from all of the people and ideas what would choose to hurt you. I am not saying that you do not have what it takes. I am just saying that you should look deep inside yourself and decide if you do have what it takes to deal with such issues.

George said...

The only thing that I have to say is that you should not let anybody take this decision out of your hands! You are a person who makes his own decisions! You can not let your life be controlled by people that you have never met. That is not the person who writes this blog, or makes these pictures!

You are talented. And you are capable of greatness. You are the kind of person who makes things happen. Not the kind of person who lets things happen to you. Never forget that becuase that is your strength!

Josh said...

I feel kind of responsible for your current state of mind. I thought that it was pretty awesome that you had people that recognized who you were from 50 ft away! But I can see the other side of that also. You are scared, but you shouldn't be! You have way to much going for you to let this get you down! I saw you surf, and you have talent! GREAT TALENT! I don't have any answers for you on how I think that you should deal with this whole ordeal. It really is quite a pickle that you are in. I just know that you can't give up because you are an amazing athlete! And you are also really hot. Just incase you didn't know taht already.

Steve said...

Reality is a bitch! Its no fun having to deal with these kinds of issues because they fuck up what could be a perfectly happy life. But here you are dealing with the same old shit that we all have had to deal with at some point in our lives.

There are lots of things that we all have to deal with as gay men and athletes. You need to understand that this is when you get to prove what you are made of! You are a lot tougher than you give yourself credit for. You have a strong will and solid moral fiber! Make the choice to be strong because your life will be all the better for it.

David said...

Well... I like your picture, but I really can not comment on the rest. I could not give advice or even offer an opinion that I will never understand. I am the most uncoordinated talentless guy to ever roam the planet! The only thing that I have going for me is that fact taht I am good looking. But I just wish you luck with whatever you decide to do and even though I don't fully understand your plight, I still envy you. I envy the fact taht you have any kind of talent what so ever. It must feel good to know that you can do something better than just about anybody around you at any given time.

Bob said...

You need to take stock on what is important to you in life. And then go from there. You are a smart guy and I know that you can do the right thing.

Greg said...

I hate to be the one to say it, no one else seems to want to. You are such a fucking complainer! What the hell is wrong with you!? You are talented but you don't want to change the world. Okay that;s fine, you can either stay in the closet and be somebody in the surfing community, or you can move on with your life and finish college and take up surfing as a hobby. Its not that big of a deal. You are a grown man now, and its time that you start thinking and acting like one. If this is the hardest decision that you ever have to make, I envy you. All of this over analyzing that you do is what is making you sick. You aren't in charge of the world or how other people view you. Suck it up and do your best to live the life that you see fit. That is all that can be asked of you.

Martin said...

Greg sounds like he was one of those kids in HS that got beat up by the jocks a lot! The problem with your logic, greg, is that you have never been in Eric's situation. You have no idea what it means to love something so much and no that you can never give it everything that you are for fear of the consequences. This is a gay athletes burden that you would know nothing about.

this is a huge deal and this is probably one of the biggest decisions that he is going to have to make. For all jocks they come to this very same for in the road and they have to decide which way to go. Its a hard decision and this is why so many people have killed themselves. I am sorry that not everybody is as strong as you Greg, but maybe if we were the whole world would be sunshine and butterflies!

Erice take your time and don't rush to any decisions. I am sure that last night freaked you out quite a bit, but that doesn't mean that it has to be the end for you. Think it over and remember that the world is changing pretty fast. You could have a hand in changing the world a little bit faster!

Aaron said...

I love your picture! Its cracks me up. Your post on the other hand really isn't so funny. Its a lot to get bummed out about. I agree with Martin though, Greg is a dickhead. I would also like to add that anonymous is an asshole. THat is all. Have a nice day.

Eric said...

Guys you are all awesome! I was sitting at my desk in class reading your comments and I almost started crying while reading what marc said! WOW he really laid it on thick, and I am a really sensitive guy so it doesn't take much anyway! Everything that you guys have said makes sense, and even greg has a point. I don't know how important a surfing career is in the grand scheme of things, but right here right now, this is the most important thing that I have going for me.

Thanks everybody for taking the time to comment and share your point of view. It means a lot for me to see what other people think about me and my neurotic tendencies. Sometimes you can be so close to something that you can't see the whole picture. You guys are definitely helping me get an idea of what that is. You are all great! thanks again.

Leonard said...

Well it seems like everything that could be said has already beenn said. I really do like your picture of this guy. He is creepy! Those eyebrows are going to give me nightmares for a week.

Terrance said...

I love this post becuase I had these very same fears when I was your age thinking about my baseball career. I was a junior in college and it was getting to be that time where I needed to shit or get off the pot. I chose to get off the pot. I didn't want a life where I couldn't be who I was. I know that it was the cowards way out, but I truely felt like this was the only way that I could ever feel happy.

I sometimes think about what it might feel like to be in the Majors, but I never regret my decisions, because I took the time to really think about the kind of life that I wanted for myself. I think that you should do the same. You need to figure out what is important to you in life, and figure out how you want to go about getting that.

Just as long as you make your decision weighing all of your options equally, you will not have any regret. You are a really awesome person and I love your blog. I have been reading it for a few weeks now and I think that you are on the verge of understanding yourself. I wish you luck with that.

Brady said...

Maybe you can view all of this ugliness as a good thing. We live in a society where most young adults have no specific events that usher us into adulthood. Yeah we graduate from high school, but we don't go into the dessert for a week to find our spirit guide, or march into the serengeti and take out a lion. We have no traditions as American men that serve as our right of passage, but maybe this is yours.

This decision that you make will determine the kind of man that you are going to be. Neither choice that you make will mean that you are less of a man or braver and stronger. They are just what they are, decisions. Are you an activist, or are you more of an observer? Will you be happy being out in the public with everybody knowing all of your personal stuff, or do you need this anonimity to make you feel safe and happy?

Terrance made a choice and he called it the "cowards" way out. I don't see it that way at all. He knew what was important to him and he made a decision. That is all that you have to do also. Making that decision no matter what it is, makes you a man. Because being a man means making the hard choices. I have been reading through your blog and I see that is your biggest fear. That somehow being gay would make you less of a man. The only thing that can maje you less of a man is the choice that you make and the reason why you make them.

Sam said...

When I was 20 I thought that I knew everything. I think that you are taking a healthy dose of reality with your line of thought. Of course you do not know everything, but it seems like you have a good idea of what you want to do. That came out wrong.... I am not trying to call you ignorant, I just think that its a positive thing to understand the limitations that you might have and seek help.

Don't stress out over the choices that you have to make. You have no control over the outcomes of these decisions! Just make sure they are what you want.

Justin said...

I think that you should tough it out with surfing. You already stated that you would rather feel this pain than give up surfing! That is a huge deal! That shows where your priorities are. DOn't change who you are to please people that will never do the same for you.

Jeff said...

I don't really know waht to say, except I love your blog. You are great! Keep up the good work. Oh yeah and I love this picture! This fuck up guy is hilarious!! I also love your other one that you posted today!! That one with the octopus. Its really funny! You are a great artist. Keep it up because I love your blog.

Daryl said...

I love the pictures that you post on your blog! You rock. Keep up the great work.

Brandon said...

I don't understand what it is that is bothering you so much. Is there something specific that you are worried about? Or is their just some general feeling of dread that is bothering you. I think that you are way to old to be scared of an abstract notion with no tangible qualities. Suck it up!

Taylor said...

I get really frusturated with the way the world works when I read something like what you wrote. There is obviously something very wrong with a society who can completely discriminate an entire group of people so openly! I am sorry that you have to go through this. It seems like somebody is always putting somone else down. It makes me sad that people like you feel so isolated and helpless. It really isn't fair and I hope that things change for you very soon. You are a man that was meant to be a person that people could look up to. Look at the life that you have lived so far. You are obviously a leader! One day I know that you are going to do something great.

Trevor said...

Dude you are to cool for school! O man I love the 2 pictures that you posted! I mean that whole Byzantinian saint picture was fucking HILARIOUS!!! That is also a really good octopus! You two look so good together. Haha! I also like the crazy creepy eyebrow person! That dude is crazy scary! It takes a person with a truely messed up imagination to draw something like that! KUDOS! You are very twisted! In a far out way of course.

Terry said...

Eric, after reading your post and (so far) the 25 comments, I had to go to your previous post (with its 4 comments) to see what Josh said. While I definitely agree with what Marc and most of the other guys have said, Josh's words keep popping in my head: you have fans!

You're a surfer, with *sponsors*! You wouldn't have sponsors if you weren't good at the sport! And, when a guy is good at a sport they're going to have people recognize them, come up to them like they're friends (because they want to be thought of that way), and start talking with you like they know everthing there is to know about you.

Man alive! Can't you be happy about that? I think it's absolutely great! You, Eric, are being recognized for your talent -- not your blog, not your sexual orientation. Believe me, if [and I stress the word "if"] I see you at Seal - or any other place - and if I recognize you as "that damn good surfer" that I saw in some event, I'll be coming up to you also.

You're starting to achieve what you want in the surfing world... you have become good enough that people have and are taking notice of your talent.

Ease up on yourself. You walked (oops, *surfed*) right into the public eye when you started entering contests. You did that *knowing* that you wanted people to see your talent and, maybe not so secretly, wanting them to recognize you.

If you really want to go further in the sport of surfing *and* if you really want to be the best, you'd better get used to people recognizing you. Only *the best* get that kind of recognition.

Eric said...

I was never upset about the fact that I had fans. I loved it that people recognized me for my surfing ability. That did wonders for my ego! The thing that bothers me is that I no longer have control over the people that know who I am. To be more specific I no longer feel like I am free to do things out in the open that I felt like I could do last week. Like walk down the beach and hold eddie's hand, or maybe if I am feeling brave there might even be a kiss. If a person on the beach sees two guys kissing, and they don't have any way of knowing who they are, its just two guys kissing on the beach. But if they have a name to put with the action, all of a sudden, "Eric the pro-surfer was making out with a guy on the beach!". And that is what freaks me out. Does that make sense?

Marc said...

I get one you mean. You make perfect sense. Its not a matter of hiding what you are. You are just scared that you are no longer going to be a face in the crowd. The thing is that most of us spend our entire lives striving for what you are trying to get away from. Try thinking about this as a blessing and not a curse. Then maybe you will be able to have a more positive attitude about this whole situation. Besides from what josh said, you are freakin hot! Hot people always stand out no matter what! So blame your parents for making you beautiful!

Craig said...

I get your fear. I am a High School athlete, but I am pretty well known. I am gay, and I will never hold hands or do anything in public with my boyfriend because I don't want anybody to know I am gay, and you never know who might see you. This is a difficult thing to manage when I basically know all the people that could bust me, but with you it could be anybody. That would be nerve racking! I understand you and I think that you are in an awful situation!

Terry said...

Your response makes perfect sense, Eric. But look at it like Marc said, "...as a blessing and not a curse." Think of the many athletes, actors, and others in the spotlight and realize that you are not alone in your feelings. You don't have to make a decision now to be "out." So, while it might not be fair that you can't do things in public like you might wish, just hang in there and try not to let the paranoia get the best of you.