Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Still in Paris.

Well I have been in Paris for a little over 30 hours now and I am just getting ready to leave! The plan is we are flying to JFK in about 4 hours, and then into Long Beach. Poor Eddie is passed out on the bed right now. He is both physically and emotionally drained. He has been carrying all of his luggage and my luggage all over the place, plus he has been giving me lots and lots of massages with my Emu oil. Then of course accepting that award last night and all of the praise that went along with it! It was so cute watching him squirm up there! I think that he did a pretty nice job butchering the French language for a few minutes, and then we went out to celebrate with the other 2 Americans that were at the festival.
We went out for a fancy French dinner complete with 5 bottles of Champagne. I don't even remember the people that we were hanging out with because they were pretentious New York people. OMG if the stick were any further up their asses they wouldn't be able to bend at the hips! It was just disturbing. After we were finished with dinner and a mind numbing discussion about stuff that no normal person would care about, we ditched them for our hotel room! This is where the real celebrating started! When we were ummm... done. Eddie just fell asleep, because he had nothing left in him I slept for like 2 hours, but I have been in 3 time zones in the last few days and sleep isn't happening for me right now.
I am in a weird mood right now. I wanted to write this blog that was all exciting and full of all these great things that I did today, but I read this other blog that someone left the link to in my comments about gay pro athletes. Now all that I can think about if what kind of athlete am I going to be? Am I ever going to get comfortable enough with my sexuality to turn pro and put myself out there? Is it right of me to let myself be victimized like this without ever being open and honest? Am I making a huge deal out of nothing? Am I a coward for not wanting to deal with any of these issues? The worst thing is that I am afraid that I am not going to do anything else in my life that is going to mean as much to me as surfing does. Because it is more than being a weekend surfer, its showing the world what I am capable of. As long as I am to scared to let the world know that I am gay, I am never going to be able to be a pro surfer. Because in a way I feel like I wouldn't be able to do one without the other. Who is going to want to sponsor a gay surfer? Okay, I am done now. I am going to stop thinking about this and I am going to take in Paris for another hour before I have to wake up Eddie and head back to California! Plus I have worse things to deal with. I did not tell my mother that I went to Paris, and while I am 20 years old, I don't think that my mother would think that I am old enough to leave the country without her permission! Plus I have a weekend training Saturday and Sunday and absolutely no lesson plan! Just to twist the knife a little further, I can't give out too much info about Eddie's film and stuff, especially since I just don't want to be outted yet... I have this very thin layer of anonimity and I am pretty sure that if a person was persistent enough, they could figure out who I was. However I just need to stay hidden and feel safe with my secret for a little while longer. But I will get the film upoaded onto Youtube and post it later. My mind is fried. No picture today! Sorry to be such a negative nancy. I will work on that.

32 comments:

Brandon said...

Atleast you enjoyed yourself for the entire day before you got bummed out by that article. I don't think that you should be so hard on yourself about this whole surfing thing. You are tackling one problem at a time and you are succeeding with every step that you make. Don't try and take on to much at once or you are going to be overwhelmed. You are still very young and you have a very long time before you have to make these huge life decisions. Be proud of how far you have come so fast! You are going to be able to do anything that you put your mind to, you just need to be patient.

Terry said...

I have to say that (after reading the "Gay Athletes" blog-post) I understand your feeling bummed-out. For the most part, it was a very depressing story. It is going to be some time before teams, coaches and fans can get a grip. Unfortunately, the gay athletes suffer in the mean time.

I look forward to seeing Eddie's film on YouTube. Please let us know when you post it. Thx.

Asher said...

I do not think that you are making a big deal out of this. You are thinking about your future and how you are going to make your livelihood for the rest of your life. This is a huge deal and there is a lot to think about. Do not beat yourself up over having such a hard time figuring out what you would want to do with your life. I am a surfer also, and while there is no way that I am anywhere close to being a pro, if I were I would be struggling just as your are now.

No matter what you decide to do with your life, you have more than one option! You have a great future no matter what you choose! You are smart and talented and funny. I love your art, and I love your writing style. In fact you are so freakin talented that it kind of makes me sick! So while you have the right to be upset by your indecisveness, keep it in perspective! You rock.

Brian said...

There is no way in hell that you are the only gay surfer! If you come out, there might be some negative reactions to this, but I am sure that there will be many people out there willing to support you. And I am positive that you will give other people the courage to do the same. Not that you should come out just to make a statement or something. I am just saying that if you are fearing that being openly gay will destroy your career, I don't think that would happen. If anything you will beome HUGE in the fay community and get more sponsors from the gay community than you could have recieved from the straight community. I don't know much about surfing, but I am pretty sure that there isn't a way to completely blacklist a person because of their sexual orientation! What exactly is it that you are afraid of!?

Marc said...

I read the "Gay Athletes" post also, and I understand what you are upset about. You should not think about yourself as a cowarf, because you are not! You are just a cautious person and you want to make sure that you are making the best decision possible for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that!

As a varsity college soccer player, I can empathize with your feelings. I deal with much of the same issues and it really makes it difficult to be happy doing something that I love. I feel like athletics are an expression of myself in the purest form that I can possibly present to the world. And I am not going to be my best until I can make it to a point where I can be an openly gay man that plays soccer!

Its a hard reality that we live in, just don't forget that you are alone with your feelings. There are many of us out there who struggle as you do with these very same issues.

Ralph said...

The only way that I would think that there was something wrong with your thinking would be if you were not worried about all of these issues. You are going through huge changes in your life right now. This is your first big relationship, you are coming to terms with your sexuallity, you are letting your friends in on your secret, and you are finding yourself and your future in the process. Not to mention this daily back pain that you have to deal with. It is very easy to be completely overwhelmed with all of the things that you are dealing with at the moment.

I read the blog, and while it was pretty bleak, it ended on a high note. I agree with the guy that wrote it that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Be brave an dbe yourself. One day you are going to be content with your life. I know it!

Riley said...

Its great to question yourself. This is the only way that you are going to figure out who you are and what you are all about. Becuase you are such a talented man these decisions that you make in your life have a larger effect on you than the average joe. So if you are having a little bit more trouble with making a decision about how "out" you want to be, you shouldn't compare yourself to what others have done. They weren't in your situation, and very few people are. This Eddie guy that you are with sounds like he is in a similar situation that you are accept replace sports with the arts. In the art community its almost cooler to be gay than straight, so maybe not so much in the same situation. But to an extent he had to think about what he wanted to do in his live and what the consequences would be when he did. You should talk to him and see what he thinks about your situation.

Nathan said...

I don't think that you need to worry about anything when it comes to being a coward. You are soo far from being a coward that its not even funny. You are way to modest to fully understand all the things that you have done for yourself that would completely contradict you being a coward! Like coming out to your best friend, or allowing yourself to be open to this new relationship that you are in right now.

Never feel rediculous about your feeling. You do yourself a disservice when you try and make belittle them. You have valid concerns and there is no easy answer to any of your questions. Accept that you are not a coward! And you are not crazy! I read that article that you were referring to in your post and I can see how easily you can relate to those athletes in that post. But I am hoping that you see yourself more positively like the athletes at the end of the article. The world is changing rapidly and you should fight for those changes in the best way that you can!

I love your blog and I am very sad that there is no picture tonight! But I guess that I understand, you must be very tired.

Brent said...

Stop complaining so much! What the hell is wrong with you!? You are a talented young man and you have a bright future ahead of you if you can just shut the hell up about your orientation! I am a surfer also, and I know for a fact that if you were to come out and try and be a pro surfer, you wouldn't get anywhere! The way the judging works, its all highly unregulated as I am sure you know. Most of the judges would definitely just give you low scores to make you fade away and there would be nothing that you could do about it! If you want to come out, do it in 20 years after you have had an awesome career and your name has become as common as kelly slater or Bruce Irons! Don't throw yourself out of the game before you even have a chance to show what you are made of. And maybe someone will beat you to the punch and come out before you do. I always thought that Kolani Rob was gay.

Kai said...

I am sorry but I am going to have to agree with Brent. There is a big possibility that Kalani Rob is gay! That dude is just way to pretty to be straight! Plus have you seen him in those Greg Browning movies!? That dude is so gay its not even funny! Okay well maybe its a little bit funny. Don't stress out about being gay. Just deal with it when you are ready, and don't be in a rush to try and prove something or make a political statement or any of that crap. This is your life and your choice. Think long and hard about what will make you happy, and what you have to do to achieve that goal. There might be more than one path to your destiny.

Chris said...

So you did not tell your mom that you were going to Paris!? WOW! I am 27 and I still have yet to leave the country without atleast informing my parents where I am going. I can see your mother getting a little bit upset about this!

Did you really think that people that went to a film festival in Paris wouldn't be a tad snooty?? I don't think that they make them any other way. But it sounds like you and Eddie were able to have fun anyway! haha!

Now this pro thing is a valid thing to worry about. I completely understand where you are coming from becuase I myself chose not to turn pro in a sport that I played varsity in college for. The reason being that I didn't want to be asked questions about my personal life. This is a personal decision that all good athletes that are gay have to deal with. Some of us recognize the battle ahead and choose to avoid it all together, and others dive into it head first. Who is to say either one of us is right or wrong?? I do not think that you are a coward, because I obviously took the cowards way out and I am perfectly okay with it! I would rather be out and happy than famous and closeted.

Evan said...

I would love to jump on the, "Kalani Rob is gay" bandwagon. Not that I think that it is true, but wouldn't it be great if he was!? I think that most guys would look gay when filmed alongside Donovan Frankenreiter! That Guy is the dirtiest sloppiest disgusting guy ever! So any guy with the slightest hygenic standards would look pretty gay.

I am part of the surfing community. I actually helped put together that competition that you wrote a few posts about back in May. In fact that is how I found your blog. I am sorry to say it, but your fears and a lot of what brent said about judging are very true and real. As you know, everybody knows everybody, and everybody talks! I think that it is a lot more acceptable to have lesbian surfers than it is to have gay surfers. And it is awful that things are they way they are, but if you want to be successful in your surfing career you need to keep your private life hidden.

I guess that the best thing that I can tell you is that you are not alone. There are lots of people like me that work behind the scenes that are gay. And I think that I know a surfer or two that are on pros in the same boat as yourself.

Josh said...

I get that you are very worried about your future in pro surfing. But that point alone should make you feel good! You are so talented that you actually have the option of having a career doing something that very few people on the planet can do. It is a rare gift, but just becuase you choose to not turn pro doesn't mean that you are wasting it! You are multi talented. So whatever you do you will be using your talents in one way or another. Do you ever think that if you turn pro your art will have to take a backseat to everything else? Don't you think that you will be wasting your talents in art if you do that? I am bummed that you didn't post a picture today, but I understand. You seem tired. I hope that you flight is pleasant and all that jazz.

Fred said...

There is no way that Kalani Rob is gay! Just because he has never had a girlfriend to flaunt in public doesn't mean anything! He is freakin adorable, but he's not gay!

I can completely relate with how conflicted you are. It is one of the reasons why I read your blog so often! I don't know many gay athletes. I am a gay athlete in High School and I am deathly afraid of someone figuring that out about me. I go out of my way to avoid anything that might even be viewed as remotely gay. And everyday I get a little bit more paranoid that someone will figure this out. I think that you and I live in the same general area, I am going to write you an email now to ask you a few questions... So um okay bye!

Greg said...

I just finished that post that you were talking about. I have never been more happy with the fact that I am such an uncoordinated anti-athlete. There is definitely this whole new set of problems that you have to deal with when you are blessed with talent. I am sorry that this is such a huge burden to deal with. However I think that the positives far out weigh the negatives in this situation. I also agree with Josh though. You are more than just gifted with a durfboard. You are gifted with the ability to express yourself both visually and verbally. Those gifts are just as rare and should be taken just as seriously! You have the option to do all sorts of different things at this point in your life. All these options must really be stifling, but again, it could be worse! You could be me, and be completely talentless in every way that word can be used!

Leonard said...

I can not imagine what it is like to be you. I have never had any of these worries tha tyou are dealing with. Before reading your blog, I did not think about the problems that athletes go through in order to be athletes. I also read that post that you and a lot of the people that are commenting are talking about. I defintely think that reading your blog made that post more relatable though. Becuase if I were to have ust read that blog I would have thought that those people were weak. Now I understand that the whole situation isn't as black and white and I thought that it was originally. I don't have any advice for you. I would just like to day that you are doing a great job working through your life and being true to yourself. Take this in stride like everything else and you will do great things.

Anonymous said...

The simple fact is that you are gay. Gays should not be able to be in a position to be role models for our youth! You represent a lifestyle that is wrong in the eyes of the lord! We don't need people like you putting influencing them and making them think that this is an acceptable lifestyle! Be however you want to be! i can not stop you. Just don't flaunt your lifestyle around in a way where the children have to suffer from it.

Zenda said...

"Anonymous" you are an ignorant bastard! I don't think that Eric wants to be anybody's role model. All that he wants to do is be the best that he can without worrying about what others are saying about him and his personal life. I am sure that the furthest thing from his mind is how he is going to influence the youth to turn them all gay! You are insane if you think that is part of his agenda, or any other gay athlete's agenda! In conclusion, "Anonymous", I hate your face!

Justin said...

Haha I don't think that I could agree with Zenda anymore! I hate Anonymous's face also! I read that blog that inspired your post, and I can see why it stirs up so many feelings for you. I was not aware that gay athletes struggled so much. I don't know why, becuase it does make perfect sense. It's just that i never thought about it before. You have a great personality and a great way of dealing with life! I think that you are going to do well no matter what you decide. So you should not pressure yourself so much to be something that you will become naturally when you are ready. Did that make sense?? I think that it did. Keep smiling, you are an awesome individual!

Sam said...

You are an inspiration to me. You have no idea how much your blog means to me. I am an athlete in College and I love your blog becuase you are an athlete also. When I was reading about why you didn't want to turn pro, it felt like you were in my thoughts because I was thinking a lot of the same things. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling until I read your post today. Your personal questions are the same as mine and I don't know the answer to any of them either. All I know is that I am extremely unhappy with myself and the way that I live my life right now. I wish that I could just take a step back and be happy like you are right now.

I am going to email you later because I live in LA and I really want to get together and talk about this some more. If you would like to of course.

Brady said...

Your blog just isn't the same without a picture! I still really liked to read what you had to say, but I missed the picture alot! Also I want to jump on the Kalani is gay band wagon too!! He is freakin gorgeous. I can watch him on the drive through movies all day long.

To get serious, I think that it would really suck to be in your situation. the surfing community is very small, and if you were to choose to be secretive about yourself, you would be lying to everybody that you would associate with. I don't envy that kind of life for anybody. But I guess that if you want something enough, you sacrifice for it.

I admire you for being so open with the things that you are dealing with. It must be difficult to think about all of the time. I read that post that everybody else read also, I have never thought about the things that gay athletes go through. Good luck with making the right choices in life.

Anonymous said...

Rock---->{YOU}<----Hard Place

Woopty freakin dooo! Lets all cry about this some more.

dan said...

dude, you can do it either way, both hard choices, keep it up though, the blogging and posting, and of course the surfing. hope the summer turns out well! wow paris!later.

Carl said...

The problem that you are having isn't making a decision on what to do. It is overthinking the scenarios of the decisions that you might make. But you can not see the future! All that you can do is the thing that you know would make you feel the best and the make the leap and see what the outcome is. It could be awful or it could be wonderful. The thing is, you won't know until you try it. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

nothing would make me happier than to have all the gay athletes in sports all come out at the same time. Than we could all be able to live a life that is a bit more normal. There are just way to many misconceptions that people have about gay athletes and their reasons for playing sports! While I think that its very inferiating to read comments like taht anonymous guy earlier in your post. This isn't about pushing an agenda this is about being free to lead a life without fear. Thanks for making me not so alone in my thoughts on life.

Terry said...

Hey, first "anonymous" guy.... try this on for size: John 8:7. Get a grip asshole. Stop trying to put yourself in God's place, step back and realize that you are sinner who cannot take care of your own problems so you try to down others. F***king jerk!

Eric... it's early a.m. Later today I *will* get some Emu Oil! My shoulder is killing me.

Have a safe flight home.

Ezra said...

you are an awesome guy! I love your blog and your ability to be so open about what is on your mind. I went into your archives and I read about whne you first touched on these issues. It seems like this is something that you were thinking about long before this guy wrote about it in his blog. I don't know if there is a right answer to what you should be doing. But there is a wrong answer! And that is not doing something becuase you are scared of the consequences. Since we can not predict or control the future all that we can do is live for the moment! That means not worrying about what might happen!

Kelly said...

Thank you for writing this post. It meant a lot to me because I sometimes forget that there are other people out there that struggle with their sexuality like I do. I found your post pressing the "next" button and I really liked your Banner. So I decided to read the post. I won't lie, there were tears. Not because you wrote anything that would make a person cry, it was more the fact that I was thinking a lot of the things that you were typing. You definitely have a new reader now. Even though it seems like you have a lot already...

Eric said...

I would just like to respond to one recurring theme here! I know Kalani Rob, he's not gay! He's a cool guy, and he definitely isn't your typical uber macho, slap-a-ho, super prick, surfer dude. Plus he has his own sandal and I have a pair! They are really comfortable. hahaha! He's not gay.

Jet in Columbus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jarred said...

It is so wierd that I found your blog. I clicked on one of the books on my profile and I found your blog that way. I am a sponsored skater, and I know how you feel big time. I have spent my whole life pretending that I was straight. It is very difficult to be a gay person in the X games, because being gay isn't a very masuline thing to be at all. If I were you I would just try and find my happiness doing something else. If I had it to do all over again I would have went to college and pursued a life as anything else! It would not have mattered just as long as I could have a boyfriend and not have to worry about losing my sponsors because of it. I was at the Volcom Pro-Am that you were in, and that's a huge deal. You must be very talented to get into that tournament and make it to the second round. I would love to correspond with you on this further, I think that I will email you later on. I love your art also. You are a really interesting person.

Trevor said...

Wow that had to be that saddest thing ever! I have been out since I was in middle school. But I have never played any sports. I think that the fact taht I never had to try and fit in made my transition as an openly gay person a lot easier than a person like you who is all about the testosterone driven activities where we are more than likely to only find straight guys, or atleast straight acting guys. I hope taht you are able to find peace with your life soon, becuase not doing anything could take a toll on you both mentally and physically in the long run.