Friday, June 23, 2006

Tired & Stressed

I am very tired and stressed out right now. I miss having this time to vent about my day! I am sure that once I get into some kind of daily routine, I am going to be able to have more free time. Because the way that its going now, I would rather quit than imagine the whole summer being like this!

This whole day was spent thinking about a way to get away from the people at camp! After three people turned me down, I finally found somebody that was willing to hang out with me. we ate and drank and were merry. It was good times. Then I had to return back to reality when I headed into UCLA. There were so many things to deal with right when I walked into the door!! From logistics issues, to people already not getting along, I just needed to get away again.

The way that I am acting right now is not the normal me. I am still pretty raw (emotionally) and I am having issues dealing with people in a proper way to get myself heard. I really need to get out of this wierd depression soon because I will be eaten alive if I can't get ontop of these little issues right now in the beginning before the kids show up!
I think that the word "depression" isn't the right word. I am not so much depressed as I am paranoid. I feel like everybody can tell that I had just made out with a guy, and that they all stare and point when I am not looking. I feel like I give away my sexuality in the way that I interact with people and the way that I talk with girls. I am just ultra aware of all of these things and I am very conflicted on how to feel about them.

I am falling asleep at mu keyboard. I need to go pass out now. I am sorry if this was a nonsensical blog, I am pretty beat at the moment. This is a painting that I made of this dude in Santa Cruz. He grew up in Beverly Hills, and his parents are very wealthy. But he likes to pretend that he is poor! Everybody knows that he is rich, and everybody talks about him behind his back, including me! Because I think that its silly how he lives his life! I kind of feel like this is how other gay people see me. With my one foot in the door and one foot out. I used to look at this guy with disdain, but now I can kind of understand where he is coming from.

16 comments:

Kiel said...

Great painting! I love it soo much. Is that acrylic on canvas?

I don't think that you need to worry about gay people looking at you and making fun of your struggle, because they have all gone through the exact same thing. You are nothing like the guy in your painting. Just thought that you should know that...

WhiteflameNZ said...

If anybody is looking at you because you just hooked up with a guy then its just because they are jealous. They all want you and you didnt pick them.

>>>That feeling of being see through goes away, no one actually knows and even when you tell them they dont believe you. Just be yourself and you will be sweet as. Kia kaha.

Matt said...

i'm sorry i 'turned you down'

stef said...

I don't know how it is possible that you live this feeling now for the first time. I've always felt awkward and concerned that other people could tell about me, that I wouldn't be able to cover it up, that no matter how good I was at hiding and acting totally straight, eventually I would mess up.

There are two ways to overcome this paranoia.
1, you fight it rationally. If nobody's noticed till now, they probably never will. Besides, from the way you describe yourself, you don't seem to have feminine gestures, so how should they be able to tell? Just by the fact you don't date girls?
2, you get tired of it. After days of stress because of this fear of getting "caught", you just get over it, and stop caring.

downunderpants said...

I can understand your paranoia, it happened to me aswell. As soon as I came out I felt diferent and for a couple of days maybe more, I acted differently around people. To many thoughts were going through my head; how do I act now, can people tell, some people had said they knew I was gay, what were the signs. Once you get back into your daily routine I guarantee these feelings will subside. You'll begin to think and act like yourself again, because thats who you are, you!

Terry said...

Man, it's like your life is on a long yo-yo string! One day you're up; the next, you're down. You are always so harsh on yourself and seem to always fear being "found out" when there is no logical reason for feeling that way (unless something happened that you haven't related). Try to get through the weekend; enjoy this wonderful weather we're having; and, try this, remember how you talked to girls and related to others before you came out. I'll bet it's the same as now.

Anonymous said...

soon you won't care if people can "tell"... sure some people MAY care, but most people you run into are not as concerned about your sexuality as you are.
-spt

Jesse said...

Ease up on yourself dude! I feel like you are making yourself sick with worry. I work at a summer camp also. And the hardest part to deal with is the first few weeks. Especially for us leadership types! I think that this stress has less to do with your sexuality and more to do with the day to day task of figuring out how to be a proper leader to you staff.

Just know that when they look at you they see a guy who knows all of the answers! You have that going for you because you have already been assigned to lead these people. Use that to your advantage and stay confident no matter what types of decisions that you make. And you wil be just fine.

Trevor said...

I have never known you to be anything but confident in everything that you do. It's like you say, "when you feel overwhlemed. Just stop what you are doing, take a deep breath and clear your mind! If you are still feeling overwhelmed afterwards, take a lap around the building!" Hahah! I loved it when you made people run around the building! But they always came back ready to work and get things done! Yo ujust haven't found a way to release your stress becuase this isn't what you usually do at summercamp! (and by that I mean isolate yourself from everybody else and run off with a noncamp person to spend a few hours with!)

You are too good and what you do! Don't let a tiny problem lke this ruin you.

Jason said...

I love this painting. So this means that you do it all don't you!?

This stress as work doesn't sound like fun, but its going to continue stressing you out until you can get control over it! I have to agree with jesse. I think that it has less to do with your sexuality and more to do with your new found power.

Its a difficult task that they have given you, but you can do it! Go do your job and be awesome(like you are) and everything will work itself out.

Asher said...

I think that you are stressed out because you are dealing wiht something new in a very new situation. So its like you have twice the burden on yourself. Just relx and try not to react to everything that comes your way. You seem like you have a pretty level head, and you will return to your normal self soon enough. Until then, just do your best to relax and injoy yourself. You are at summer camp where everything is fun!

Marc said...

You are stressing over nothing! Chill out and you will be just fine!

Josh said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. THis is a very stressful time in your life and you are just going through the feelings that we all go through at some point. This is the time where you are redefining who you are as a person, and that takes a lot of time. Things are going to have to be dealt with differently, because you are now different. It will get a lot easier once you have had time to understand and deal with these changes. In the meantime you should not stress out, because you are a guy that seems like he can handle a lot. I am sure that you are not going to have any problem dealing once you have had some time to let your life sink in.

Blake said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. It's so easy for me to remember how I was in almost the exact situation last year. I think that your sexuality is only part of the problem here. You are in a new situation, you have physical issues, and you are very young. All of these things are factors in your current state of mind. The best thing that you can do is take some time out of everday just for you. You need time to reflect over the things that you deal with on a daily basis so that you can have a clear mind and a clean slate the next day. The problems start up when you don't deal with your problems and you let them pile up until your head explodes! DOn't let that happen to you.

Anonymous said...

that is an amazing painting. who did it?
also, great blog. really well written.

Anonymous said...

oh duh. "This is a painting that I made of this dude in Santa Cruz."
so you're a great visual artist as well. right on.