Saturday, July 22, 2006

Home.

I got back from Hawaii on Wednsday night and I was back to work by Thursday morning. There was a lot of stuff to cover and I was working very hard from the time that I got there until about 8am this morning. It was like the whole camp decided to fall apart and stop working while I was gone and they were waiting for me to pick up the pieces before they did anything else!

I was supposed to go to go to Huntington Beach for the US Open (surfing duh!) but I was really tied and I wasn't feeling up to watching my friends compete because I felt this really odd need to be at home with my family. I hadn't seen them since before I left for Hawaii so I decided to go home instead.

My Great Grandmother has been very sick for a very long time. She has been battling cancer for the past three years. Just a few years ago she was an extremely powerful woman. In my life I have never known anybody that has been able to balance a career and a family in such an amazing and effortless way. Becuase of her, my family has been able to enjoy a very liesure lifestyle. About two years ago my grandmother was so sick that I thought she was going to die. She was very weak and she couldn't even speak. However she recovered almost 100%. Even though she recovered, I kind of let her go in my heart that moment when I knew she was going to be around much longer.

Over the last 2 years my great grandmother has been struggling with her health, but for the most part she has been able to carry on with her life. Then about 3 months ago she started to get very sick. I knew that this time it was really then end because something just felt more final.

I was home by 9, and I immediately went into my great grandmother's room to tell her hi. She wasn't even really aware of the fact that I was in the room even though her eyes were open. She was struggling with her breathing and she looked so frail. I kissed her on the forehead and I told her that I loved her. 10 minutes later she died.

I spent the last 6 hours surfing and now I can barely walk. But I still can't get myself to go back home. I am now sitting in a cafe by the beach just stalling because I have to go home. I don't know what it is, but I am not feeling a lot of emotions about my great grandmother right now. When I saw her this morning I cried because she looked like she was in so much pain. Now she's gone and I haven't cried yet.

9 comments:

Tim said...

I am sorry about your loss. I'll be thinking about you. Don't feel wierd about your your emotions. Don't feel bad about the way that you are coping with your grandmother's death. But at the same time, don't kill your body trying to make yourself feel better. I know that you will get through this

WhiteflameNZ said...

Sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

When you are ready for tears, you'll cry. DOn't over analyze your feeling right now. You are probably just in shock. DOn't feel bad about it. I know that you will get through this just fine.

Marc said...

I didn't cry for almost 3 days after my grandmother died. I think that you just feel numb for awhile and then all of a sudden you realize that this is all really happening and it isn't something that you made up in your head.

Don't rush these feelings because they will come on their own in their own way. Also this whole surfing unil you can't walk thing really needs to stop. This jus doesn't seem like a healthy way o deal wih your problems. In fact it seems a lot less detrimenal to your health for you to beat on a brick wall with your bare hands!

You should be more careful with your body. My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

Emotions are like anything else. They come to you when you stop looking for them.

Asher said...

Truly sorry for your loss. I wish that I had something more original to say. But I am sure that you are going to hear a lot of this over the next few days. I can certantly understand the alure of the beach now.

Feel better soon. I'll be thinking about you.

Gray said...

Again, Marc proves to be insightful! Sorrow and mourning come at their own rate of time and distance. Hurting yourself, physically surfing, does nothing to help. You knew two years ago that time was short for your grandmother. Subconsciously, over that period, you have almost adjusted to the situation. I did the same in relation to my mom's passing. It's so very, very difficult to adjust to the passing of a loved-one (and coming to terms with the event)! I wish you and your family well and I am sorry for your loss.

Kiel said...

I know how easy it is to try and make the pain that you are feeling more physical than mental. Eventaully your feeling will catch up with you. Then not only will you have this painful back problem, but you will also be really sad. Relax and let the people around you care for you.

Charlie said...

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope that you feel better soon. My thoughts are with you.