Thursday, July 13, 2006

I dunno...

I am actually really enjoying myself ou here in Hawaii. That's the problem. The more fun that I have here the more that I realize that this isn't where my heart is anymore. I am surfing better than I have ever surfed in my life, and I am still injured. I know that if I keep on going at this rate, I can really be a top competitor, but is this what I really want out of life??

In order to be the best at anything you need to sacrafice something that is really important to you so that you might get something even more important in return. You sacrafice your social life, your body, your personal time, and even your peronal freedoms so that you might one day be the best. For a long time I thought that this was something taht I wanted. I thought that it wouldn't be ta hard because I have already spent most of my life hiding and sacrafing so that I could be seen as normal. For a while that satisfied me because that's what I thought I wanted.

However I want something else right now. Last night we all went to Waikiki to party. I didn't really want to go and hit the same clubs as all the other guys beause I am not into that whole girls grabbing my ass as I up their breasts thing anyore. SO I said that I was tired and I just wanted to go for a walk on the beach. After about 10 minutes, I saw the GAYEST guy that you have ever seen walking down the street. I mean this dude was so flaming that you had to put the fire extinguisher on him! I had a feeling that he was about to go to a gay club and I decided that I wanted to go also, so I followed the gay guy to the club. And he lead me to the gayest place in Oahu!

It wasn't anythig special. In fact I kind of got pretty disgusted with with all of the white guys that were hitting on me hoping to get some action with a local island boy! Even though I a not a local island boy, I really look like one. I know, what did I expect? But I just really needed to be around other gay people after so many days of e being fake! I was really sick and tired of all of this FAKE BS I have been spewing about hot girls and tigh asses and what not. I just wanted to be aroud guys tha liked guys. Even though I had to deal with all of those weird dirty white ment that were trying to by me alcohol, I still had a good time. I loved being around guys and being able to stare at the hot ones and not having to hide it. I love not having to sensor my words beore speaking. I loved the feeling of freedom and safety that being there made me feel.

Being around all of these guys helped me to realize that I like being gay. I am not willing to put my newly discovered sexuality on the shelf while I pursue a sport. I have other things in my life that I love where I don't have to sacrafice who I am.

This is all coming after a very awsome week of me doing soe really amazing things. I am honestly loving every moment of me surfing and I wouldn't trade this week for anything in the world. I am not sure what I am saying and I am pretty sure that this is an extremely incoherent post. But I am just conflicted.


Josh said...

I don't want to even pretend tha I can relate to what you are going through. But I am just not that talented. It sounds like you have options though. Don't be afraid of making the decisions that are in you to make. You are an awesome guy and you are going to excel at whatever you put your mind to.

Jerry said...

Its nice that you are wantig to not hide who you are because that hould never be an option. But also not pursuing something that you love becuase of who you are shouldn't be an option either. I know that it keeps on coming back this. So this is a really big issue in your life with no easy answer.

Just don't make any decisions becaus you are scared. It's easy to get caught up in the moment, but maybe this is one of those situations where you are going to need to take a step back before you figure things out.

Trevor said...

I don't think that there is much that you can do about the way that you feel man. You are a guy that lives by his feelings so you can't go against them. Don't even try because then you are going to become a man that isn't really you. The worst thing that you can do is make yourself do something that makes you unhappy.

It seems like a hard decision, but i you clear your head of all of that background noise and really let yourself think clearly about this whole situation. I am pretty sure that you will see that the answer is really simple.

I miss you and I can't wait for you to come home on monday!!

Bold oy! said...

I understand what you are saying.

I personally don't know about being the best and what sacrifices is worth it, except definitely not the sacrifice of being true to your own nature.
But maybe a bar is not the best place to enjoy your freedom?

Anyway I wish you all the luck!

dan said...

dude you're so young, putting anything on the shelf wouldn't be forever. but then again , why do it if you can't enjoy who you are completely? sorry this is no help at all huh, but I'm definitely feeling what you're saying it reminds me when I was in college and saying everything right around my buds or gf, and then on weekends in my home city, the comfort of getting out and hanging with some gay buds. SUCKS. hang in there, and hopefully keep enjoying your awesome time. later.

Jason said...

Yeah... It's hard to figure ou what you are supposed to do,but that's why they pay you the big bucks! Right? haha.

Just don't rush any decisions and I am sure that you will make the right choice.

Tom said...

I guess there's a number of things I'd be thinking about if I was in your shoes:

1) I could (in terms of profession) stay in the closet, which has ramifications for my private life.

2) I could come out to my sponsors so they know the full score and see if they still want me (They won't mind you being gay, but they're coming at it from a marketing angle. Lots more I could say here...)

3) Will my sponsors want me to stay in the closet? (Not fun if they do).

4) If they don't mind me coming out, I'll be in the public eye for all to see! (But then you could probably still do things at your pace).

5) Coming out to sponsor probably means coming out to teammates as well.

6) I haven't come out to my family yet???? (I haven't read all of your blog).

I/We could easily argue all the rights and wrongs of your situation in terms of being a gay man having to deal with this. But at the end of the day, it's business, and business responds to our imperfect, unjust world. Period. If you enter that world, you have to be willing to play by their rules (at least for a while).

A couple of ideas: get some paper and write down the pros on one side and the cons on the other. At least it'll help to clarify your thoughts.

Try to find another gay pro athlete who is out and contact them for some advice.

Wish I could offer you more. For what it's worth, I found good and bad being a semi-closeted muso. I feel the good outweighed the bad. I definitely missed out on some things in my private life, but it was a great experience.

(I'm starting to think out loud here)

I guess that might be what it comes down to: Do you want to be a pro surfer (in the public eye, possibly in the semi-closet for a while, possibly putting your relationship under strain) or are you happy to give it up to be out of the public eye and the pressures it presents, free to be out in your relationship in all aspects (which, and don't take this personally, may not last forever).

What a rant! I've probably got the whole thing wrong this time as well!! Hope it helps. Try not to rush your decisions. If sponsors are chasing you want answers now, chances are (despite what they say) you can convince them to give you some time back home to decide.

Tom? What? Stop ranting! Oh, OK.

Tom said...

OK, just one more thing and I'm out of here!

There's definitely something about striving for perfection, and getting peoples acceptance and adulation, that makes you feel better as a gay person (in or out of the closet). I'm not sure that's a healthy thing.

For me, I have to admit now that the thing that drove me initially was probably what I said above (even if I wasn't entirely aware of it at the time).

But nothings ever entirely black and white, it's always shades of grey (just ask whiteflamenz!).

The thing of being paid to do something I totally loved doing (making music) far outweighed any other motive.

Does that make sense to you? Maybe you're feeling the opposite?

Good luck with this, I can totally empathise with what you're feeling, but only you can have the real answer for you.

Marc said...

I am sure that you can do anything that you put your mind to. Just take your time and don't rush into anything.

Asher said...

I can't really offer any advice, but I hope that once you make a decision you will share it with us. I think that you should base your deision on your happiness and that only. Don't do it for the "cause". Just do it becaue you know in your heart that this is what you want to do. If you happen to change the world because of that, so be it. But make sure that you are doing these things for the right reasons

dan said...

go tom!

Tom said...

Saw this photo


and immediately thought of you. Hope the "sharks" are playing nice and all is going OK!

downunderpants said...

pppssssst! just remember: "woe dude"!

Gray said...

I agree with most of the comments above. Think it through completely before you make any decision (I know you will). Whatever you decide will be a defining moment in your life. So take your time and do what is best for Eric!