Sunday, July 23, 2006

I'm okay.

It's weird how you think that you can build this shell around yourself that nobody can penetrate no matter how hard they try, and then all of a sudden somebody comes along and proves to you that they can see passed all of your armor. As you all know my great grandmother died yesterday. I was feeling empty by the whole situation all day yesterday. Then when I came home the nurse told me that my grandmother had written me a letter a few months ago and she wanted me to have it when she died.

The second that I saw it on my night stand I started to cry. I didn't even know what it could say, but just seeing that letter I knew that she had something important to tell me. The letter was over 12 pages long. I don't think that I can find the right way to summarize what she said to me. But by the end of the letter I knew that she really knew me. The REAL me. She saw my whole life with all of my sadness and all of my struggles and she understood me.

She focused a lot of her letter on my situation a few years ago when I was a senior in HS and my father and I got into this huge fight and I moved in with my friend. This was a very unpopular decision with most of my family. I was very young and EVERYBODY in my family would have been more than happy to take me in. Basically, my happiness is their happiness, that's how it's always been. But instead I chose to move into somebody's house that was a virtual stranger to them and it hurt a lot of people in my family. Nobody understood the reasoning behind why I did it, and I never really shared my reasoning with anybody else. Mostly because even though I had a reason, I couldn't really articulate my reasoning into a cogent argument that anybody could ever understand.

But my grandmother understood it. She understood it perfectly, and she wrote it down with the eloquence and grace that time and intelligence has given her. She ended the letter by telling me that I am special. Out of all of her boys (Sons, grandsons, great grandsons, and great great grandsons [yes you read that right, GREAT GREAT grandsons], she didn't really see any difference, because we were all hers.) she has never known any of them to be as secretive as I am. But that's only about the details in my life. My heart is an open book and she knows my heart better than anybody else in the world.

After I was done with the letter I was a complete mess. I was crying so hard that I think I actually sobbed out loud! So I went into my bathroom and splashed some water on my face to gain a little bit of composure. Then I put the letter in my drawer, and I went to sleep. Today I feel a lot better about things. I am still very sad that she is gone, but I am also relieved that she is no longer suffering. She held on for a very long time because she loved us all and she wanted us to be okay. Now she needs to rest. I love her so much and I will cherish all of my memories of her because she taught me a lot about myself and the way that I view the world.

I received an overwhelming number of letters from you guys. Thanks for all of your support and wisdom. A lot of you were right that I had been preparing myself for this for a very long time. I think that I was ready for her to go and that's why I am not as big of a mess as I thought that I would be. But I still needed that good cry that I had last night. It definitely made me feel more human. I am pretty sure that there are going to be a few more tears, because she was an amazing woman and I am always going to miss her. But I am not going to be sad about this because she wouldn't have wanted me to be.

Tonight Eddie is going to fly in for 3 days to make sure that I am okay. He's so good to me. We are going to have a very nice couple of days and then he is going to go back to Hong Kong knowing that everything is going to be alright with me. Once again, thank you for all of your emails and comments. They were all special and very comforting to read.


Anonymous said...

That was really nice to read.

Tom said...

Do not stand at my bedside and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my bedside and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

by Mary E. Frye

Asher said...

I am glad that you are getting some closure. Yes this is a very sad thing that is happening, but you are right about not being sad all the time.

downunderpants said...

There is a difference between crying over spilt milk and crying over someone you love. So cry cry away. I remember when my Nan died, she had been suffering from cancer for nearly two years. She gave it her all but in the end the cancer won. When I was told she had passed I didnt cry because I knew she was no longer in pain. That was until i saw the coffin and that was it, the tears ran like Niagra Falls. It was the best funeral I have ever been to because it celebrated her life, and the whold town came out for her, it was truely a special day. So you are far from being finished with the tears, but they are tears for a loved one and not spilt milk.

Marc said...

I hope that you have a nice few days with the boyfriend.

Frank said...

Your grandmother sounds like an awesome woman. I am so sorry to read about your loss. I hope that you are able to celebrate her life instead of mourn her death.

You are a brave man for being able to write about something like this. I wish you all the comfort in the world right now.

Anonymous said...

Death is a tricky thing. Don't let yourself be fooled by your feelings. You are going to go through many different stages of emotions over the next few days. Don't stop yourself from feeling any of it.

Josh said...

I don't really know waht to say, I guess that I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. I hope that you work things out in your head.

DOn't be afraid to fall apart.