Wednesday, July 26, 2006

It's all Downunderpants' fault!

So Eddie just left and I am missing him already. He stayed an extra day and he would have stayed forever, but I told him that he had to go. Having him here was such a good thing for me. He really helped me to work out all of my weird feelings and actually verbalize what was going on in my brain. There are very few people in this world that I feel like I can be completely open and vulnerable to. I am a guy with many layers, and I can count all the people that have seen my core on one hand.

I am a very gaurded person when it comes to casual relationships with people. Like I guess that saying that I am a gaurded person would be an understatement. I have told 3 people, outside of everybody in the blogging world, that my Grandmother has died. Most people don't know, and I am perfectly fine with things staying that way. I hate it when everybody around me feels that they need to treat me like an injured puppy! I would rather put a smile on my face and make everybody think that everything is great. Then later fall apart around my family and my VERY close friends.

The reason why I bring this up is because I totally fucked up today! Well I also partly blame downunderpants (but from now on we will just call him "butterfly boy". Also I am typing this from my PDA, so he doesn't get a link either!) for this tiny little fuck up. I was sitting there just minding my own business, answering a buttload of emails, because I guess that it has become uncool to leave me comments on my blog. Anyway, Butterfly boy said something that I wanted to respond to, so I did. Then he instant messaged me back like 2 seconds later! Long story short he said something that stirred some serious emotions that were supposed to stay hidden during camp hours. There I was listening to music, telling a joke, and preparing the afternoon activities when all of a sudden tears just start pouring down my eyes!! It was soo wierd! Because I was smiling and speaking in an extremely jovial voice, and there were tears streaming down my face! WTF IS UP WITH THAT!?

I felt like grabbing a spork and scooping my eyes out right at that very moment! I can't believe that they betrayed me like that! So I made up some lame ass excuse like, I had dust in my eye, and then I ran out of the room as fast as I could. After I reached the bathroom (the public restroom!) I ran into a stall and started sobbing like a little baby! It was sooo not my style to do something like that. I am still very shocked that I was capable of such a public display of emotion. That was soooo not what I do like EVER!

So now people know that something is up with me. I can feel them start to do it already. They are a little bit more conscious of what they say to me. Everybody is working a little bit harder so they don't have to bother me for help, and they have all stopped giving me a hard time about my age and being in charge and all that crap. I hate pity. I kow that I am a hard headed loser who should just accept the kindness of others for what it is, but I honestly feel like their pity makes me hurt more.

Okay I am totally insane and I need to be taken out to the back of my house and shot. I get it! But I just feel very strongly about this whole privacy issue. This was a picture that I took last night at our little ceremony at my house for my grandmother. It was nice.

13 comments:

Jason said...

You shouldn't be so scared of your emotions man. You don't have to be so secretive about your life either. Only the people that actually care about you are going to take the time to make you feel more comfortable. So you should let them do so because they would feel worse knowing that you didn't trust them with your secret.

I have this hunch that you are the person that people call "friend" more often than they are the person that you would call "friend". That's not a bad thing, I just think that you would be much happier and a lot less stressed if you let more people into your life. The world might just surprise you.

Anonymous said...

U sound nutz.

Gray said...

I'm similar in that, when there's been a death or other tragedy in my family or group of friends, the less I talk about it, the less I have to deal with the pity and the "sorry" words. I can deal with death and tragedy if its on my own terms. When others start bringing up the questions ("How did it happen?" "How old was he/she?" "Did he/she suffer?") then I have to start remembering the details of the sad event. Plus I have to remember, yet again, that the event will never go away; never change. Pity does hurt.

WhiteflameNZ said...

Anonymous people need to go away.
You sound like you are coping in your own way, and thats cool. But I think a good cry every now and then is good for you, so just hang round the toilets a little more.
(Shall I link Downunderpants for you www.downunderpants.blogspot.com) then everyone can go over there and harass him for making you cry.

downunderpants said...

I said something nice!!! You make me sound like a bastard, and that i said something nasty. Thats the last time I'm giving YOU a compliment!! :-P


Hang in there, you just need to let go a little. Look what happened the last time you did, you met Eddie!

Asher said...

Wow it sounds like downunderpants got his undies in a twist! haha. I hope that you feel better soon Eric. I don't think that you are crazy or weird for wanting to keep your private life private. You are a deeply private person, but you do let people in. Just because you don't let everybody in doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you.

Don't ever change, unless you want to.

John said...

I have been reading your blog for only a few days, but I have gone through all of your posts and I really like your style. I am going through a very similar experience with the death of my Aunt. I agree with not telling everybody about what's going on in your life because you don't want thier pity.

I hate it when people try and comfort me because it always ends with me feeling even worse. Thanks for posting. You give me comfort with your words and your bravery. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I think that you are possibly the most awesome guy to ever walk the planet. The coolest thing is that you are completely unaware of it. You are way to modest man! If I were you I would not be handling myself half as well as you handle yourself. You are great!

Marc said...

I think that its fine for you to have a life separate from your job. Don't think that you are weird for wanting to have a place that is not a part of what goes on in your personal life. I think that we all want that. It's just that some of us are not capable of doing so. Kudos to you for having the will power to keep things separate

Anonymous said...

I can't deal with this shit well either.

Ken said...

I never know what to say at times like these. I just hope that you are able to get through this in the best way possible. You seem like a good guy and I wish you the best.

George said...

I don't think that you are nuts

dan said...

"grabbing a spork" that's hilarious man. good post, hang in there