Wednesday, July 19, 2006

My life so far. (minus surfing)

I am going back to Los Angeles in a few hours with a lot of unresolved issues. At first I was really set on following a certain path, but the more that I thought about it the more unsure I became. I am just not ready to box myself into a corner. I have been recieving a lot of questions (from emails) about when I first realized that I was gay, my relationships so far, who I've come out to, and which aspects of my life are still closeted. And I thought that since I didn't have much to say, I would kind of do a quick review of my life so far. Which would also be in my blog if anybody cared to look through my archives!

My mother and father had me when they were 15 years old. My mother named me after a soap opera character. They were both Juniors in High School and neither of them were ready to be responsible for another person. It was not a problem, because my father has a very large family and while my parents finished high school then went off to finish college, I was taken care of by my aunts and uncles. I actually have this huge inferiority complex when it comes to my relatives, because I am almost positive that I am mildly retarded compared to the rest of my family. Its quite embarrassing.

I come from an extremely macho environment. When there are a bunch of us in a room, people are always wrestling or yelling or watching some sport on television that I pretend to enjoy. 2 of my aunts are lesbians, and these are also the 2 that spent the most time taking care of me. I was aware of homosexuality long before society tried to convince me that it was wrong or different. So you would think that living in such a lesbian friendly environment would make life out of the closet pretty easy, but its kind of the exact opposite.

The only things that can be agreed upon by my relatives are, beers + bitches = a good time. And for awhile that was okay with me. I enjoyed the camaraderie that I shared with my aunts and uncles and their affinity for women. I am not entirely sure how to explain this, but even though I grew up with homosexuality as everyday normalcy, it seemed like women were the only option when it came to relationships. So I never thought about being with a guy.

That is until the day I was actually with a guy. I was hanging out with this guy I met from UCLA, I completely idolized him, because he was the exact guy that I wanted to be! He was this super confident Asian man (of 19 years, I was newly 15 at the time), that had a perfect balance of his Asian culture and American life. He was the guy that helped me to understand that I did not have to lose who I was in order to be successful in life. One day I drove over to his apartment to tell him all about how I'd just made this huge change in my life and how people in school were reacting to it, and how I no longer cared! It was awesome, he was so excited for me. I gave him a hug to thank him, and I guess that it lasted a bit longer than I intended it to, because he finally had to pull away, but when he did, he kissed me.

At that moment I knew that I was gay. I hadn't even thought about it until right then, but with that one kiss I knew that this had been what was wrong when I was making out with girls. So of course I left immediately and I never spoke to him again. For a very long time I convinced myself that I wasn't into guys and the thing that made our kiss so intense was the fact that I had so much admiration for him because he was such an amazing person. It was pretty easy, because I have this uncanny ability to self delude. It worked for about 3 years.

Then HE came into my life. I did not even hear him sit next to me, but then all of a sudden his hand was on my back and he was introducing himself as Danny. I was just starting to work at Sea World and I met him in Aquatic Rescue training @ 5 or 6 in the morning. He had the most amazing blue eyes that I have ever seen in my entire life. I introduced myself and we spent the next ten minutes talking about aquatic trainning and how much it would suck to get into that 50 degree water!

That whole morning went by really fast, and half of the poeple that were supposed to be there did not show up, so we finished two hours early. It was awesome because I had not made a friend this quickly in a very long time. Then we went for a walk on the beach. The waves looked pretty nice and I mentioned that I wish I would have brought my surfboard, then he got really excited because he had just started surfing and he wanted someone to go with him. From that day on, we went surfing almost every night! For about a month, that is all that we did. One night after my fourth bong hit, we worked up enough courage to confess that we were both into each other.

I knew that he had liked me for awhile at that point. I was just not ready to act on anything until I was really high I guess. On the last day of camp I was very sad to say goodbye because I knew that things would not be the same once we left camp. Living at a summer camp is its own microcosm, your perception changes and you live by a completley different set of rules that you wouldn't have anywhere else. We were both staying in San Diego, but now we would be having to deal with the real world.

Which brings me to Eddie! He's the current LOVE OF MY LIFE! We were in the same grade all through high school. He is the most amazing man on the planet! He's a graduate of USC Film school and he is one of the most talented artists that I have ever met. We went to Junior high school and high school together, but we didn't know each other very well outside of art class. Then a couple of moths ago, we met outside of this store by the beach and we became inseperable.

He has given me the strength to be a man. I have been able to accomplish a lot because I know that he is there to catch me if I fall. He was with me when I told my aunts that I was gay, and he was the guy that I cried to when I told a friend and it didn't go so well. I can honestly say that if he weren't in my life I would be in a completely different place right now. I am completely in love with this man and he is completely in love with me.

So in conclusion, My boyfriend, my best friend, and my lesbian aunts know that I am gay. There are a few others that don't really matter as much, but basically the little circle of people that do know is pretty small. Not really out to the world yet!

I just felt like some of my older pix needed to be let out of the closet also. Nobody ever goes through my archives so I don't think that the older ones ever get any appreciation! I hope that cleared some things up for you guys!


George said...

I love this last one. I don't know what it is about this picture, but it makes me laugh a lot! Is that a five dollar bill?

I feel like I might go through your archives just so I can check out some of your older pics!

Michael said...

Dude, you are a very talented photographer! I love the one with the picketer (Bush = Danger).

Your words really hit home to me (that's why I keep coming back to your blog all the time). Coming out is such a risk; sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't. And if it doesn't, it'll be that person's loss that reacted badly. Anyone would be priviledged to know you.


stef said...

Ok so apparently I'm one of the few that actually went through your archives. And I knew most of the staff, but I didn't catch (or maybe you didn't say it) that Eddie was with you when you came out to your aunts. How cool. I think he must be really brave to show up at his boyfirned's family when they still don't know that the former is gay. So I guess this post gave me a little insight of Eddie too. Hooray for him.

WhiteflameNZ said...

I too have been through your archives. I spent an entire night reading them when I should have been studying. (Perhaps thats why I subsequently failed).
Very nice re-cap, its good to look back and see how far you have some in such a short time. I think its awesome.

Kiel said...

You are a cool guy. I have to admit that I was one of the lazy people that hasn't really looked through your archives. But you have piqued my interest and I am going to have to check them out!

Have a safe flight home and all that jazz.

Watson said...

I have read all your achives too. I always like to read achives to blogs I've only just recently discovered to avoid confusion when they start talking about stuff that relates to an earlier blog.

Your blog is c00l, keep up the good work ;]

Jason said...

I appreciate what you write. I can relate to a lot of it, but I haven't gone through your archives. I think that after reading this post I want to see what's there though.

Great post! Thanks for the samlpler.

Trevor said...

I never read through your archives, but I alos got a lot of those stories first hand. It would be like homework id I had to read through those! Please don't make me do it!

John said...

great post! I never do the archives because I am lazy. But now I know, and knowing is half the battle! I might actually have to take a look at what you have in there. I love your pictures also. You are an amazing artist.

Josh said...

I love that first picture! You have to tell me how to do that effect. It's a really neat look. I hope that you landed safely and you are getting acclamated to your camp life again.

Can't wait to hear about what you have decided to do with your whole surfing situation. There must be a lot of different things going through your head.

I also like that Bush picture! I couldn't stop laughing. It's a very good one.

Anonymous said...


Taylor said...

I liked this post and I liked the pictures. You have inspired me to go through your archives! This is a huge accopmlishment on your part because I am a lazy son of a mother!

Gray said...

I guess I'm one of the few who has also been through your archieves. Believe it or not, I'll still go back sometimes just to refresh my memory (e.g. I had almost forgotten about Danny... sorry).

Nice pics. I just *had* to save the Bush one; it's been emailed to my brother; I know he'll enjoy it! Thanks.

Greg said...

Well I am a pretty new reader, but I now want to go trhough your archives. You are an awesome writer and a very talented artist. Keep up the amazing work!

downunderpants said...

I too have gone through your archives and you have left some dirty undies back there that need a good wash. EEEEWWWWW I just stepped on an old digger!

I hope you're happy about whiteflamzeNZ, making him fail a class tut tut tut! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Never read your archives, and now I don't have to! hahaha. Kidding. Well only partially. I am lazy and I hate to do anything that would require any actual effort. So I am probably not going to look through your archives, but thanks for catching me up!