Friday, August 11, 2006

Taking a deeper look...

So lately I have been very selfish with my time. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about myself and all of the little things that bother me in everyday life. I used to be the guy that all of my friends ran to when they had a problem, but lately I have been emotionally unavailable to them. I would say that I started to change right around the time that I started this blog. So like 4 or 5 months ago (Wow that's a really long time! I don't think that I realized it has been that long until I actually just typed it!). But over the last few days I have finally been able to stop being so selfish and reconnect with a lot of my friends.

At first it was pretty great. There were a lot of things that I hadn't been a part of lately because I have been so busy with my life. I have friends that have found love, lost love, bought houses, gotten engaged and all sorts of other things. I have missed out on a lot because of how incomfortable I am with dealing with my sexuality around certain friends (Even friends that know I am gay).

Tonight I had coffee with my friend Carrie. We have been friends ever since she moved onto my street when I was 12. She's the most driven girl that I have ever met. I have never seen her fail at anything that she set her mind to. However during the course of our conversation I discovered that my favorite little Ivy League graduate actaully failed out of college her last semester and was only alowed to walk if she promised to complete the courses that she had failed. Long story short, she hasn't! Not only has she not completed them, but she has been telling everybody that she has indeed graduated! Everybody from her parents to her employers think that she is a college graduate!

I felt like such a jerk! Because there she was spilling her heart out to me about her deepest darkest secret and she didn't know mine. That took a lot of courage to tell me that she has been lying to everybody around her about this really huge thing in her life. All that I wanted to do was tell her that I was gay, but I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to take the focus away from her.

I haven't been a caring person lately. Just like Carrie needed me. And recently just like a pen pal that I let down because I was to busy being selfish. It's wierd when you come to an epiphany like this. All of a sudden you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you, and while you do have your own crap to deal with, so does everybody else!

I am happy that I have taken the time to really probe myself and discover what I want out of my life at this point. But now I need to take some time to be a friend to the people that have been mine for my entire life. I don't think that I am here to save everybody else's life, I just think that I need to be a better friend like I used to be. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to stop my friend from doing stupid things or pull Carrie out of her depression, or help out in the plethora of issues that a bunch of my friends have been dealing with. But it would have made me feel a lot better to know that I had done everything that I could.

So this picture is an ode to my half assing shit! I was trying to draw that stupid bag of butterflies thing for Downunderpants , but I just never got around to finishing it because I didn't feel like it. I am thinking of just finishing this picture and sending it to him anyway, just to show that I am turning over a new leaf and I am going to start putting out that little extra effort! But then again, I also want to go watch TV...


Anonymous said...

damn you are such a good artist! This is what you draw like when your not even trying!? U are so lucky.

dan said...

that's hilarious post, the part about finally doing the damn bag thing. go!
anyway, very good getting your thoughts out like that, you may or may not have been that much help to the above, but it's true, missing the give and take of freindships, never good to shut yourself off from that --though you have been really busy this summer. And the blog thing is great to share and get feedback, but the real people you know and love, completely different fo sho. I've done the same, but I get out of the funk eventually and just get back to being me and there for my friends, expecting them to be there for me..etc, (although some friends maybe not ALL of me...)it's a process, 4 or 5 more months and you'll be even closer to the balance you want, for now. have a great weekend, go watch some tv ! you deserve to just chill, later.

Marc said...

Like anything new, at first it's all about the new thing and then all of a sudden it isn't. It's cool that you are starting to take a look from underneath your shell and see that the world has kept on turning. DOn't feel bad that you had to take a little bit of personal time. But now taht you are back, maybe putting out a litte extra effort for missed time wouldn't be the worst thing to do.

Lola said...

Mark is absolutely right. You shouldn't feel bad about taking personal time.

After all, it is better to be strong enough emotionally to be there from people instead of giving advice when one is not feeling able to give that advice. I've been dealing with that kind of stuff myself lately and have found that one really does have to be in the right frame of mind to be there for someone.

Speaking as one who has felt they've had very few personal boundaries, I've learned that having personal boundaries and personal time certainly is a good thing.

I'm glad that you are feeling more social and found within yourself the strength to reconnect with your friends.

As well, I don't think that you should diminish your own "secret". As far as I'm concerned, it's pretty tough to have one of such a personal nature and not feel that you are suppressing a very important part of yourself if you are unable to tell those who you are close to. I can't imagine that this is easy at all! And, I am sure if your friends care about you that they would understand how difficult this must be for you and they would appreciate that you feel close enough to them to share that.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Eric. It's a great reminder to those out there who are dealing with similar situations.