Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Dilemna



I have been getting a lot of criticism lately from my friends, colleagues, and superiors. Everybody has an opinion on what I am doing wrong and what I need to do in order to improve. Most of these comments range from drop dead, to stop being gay, and all of them require me sacrificing a part of myself. The one unifying idea seems to be I am not worthy of my life because I am gay. They are all kind enough to let me know that nobody has anything against “the gays” there’s just no room for it in what I do. They approach the subject like I had a choice in the way I am and I am only like this to inconvenience them.

When is enough, enough? This is the question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. This is also something that I have found quite difficult to figure out on my own. My entire life I have been forced to submit to forces more powerful than I am, and over the years I have become accustomed to accepting this without hesitation. I brush it off and tell myself it’s because I am a non-confrontational person, but deep down I know it’s because I am scared.

I tell myself and anybody that will listen I am over letting people make me feel less than I really am. I stare into the mirror and I sweet talk my reflection until I have convinced it that I do in fact have some small sliver of self esteem left. There was a time when I could have pulled off this lie no problem, but that time has passed. The truth is I think less of myself, than I do my drug addicted alcoholic ex-stepfather.

I want to say I feel like this because of all the unfortunate things that have happened throughout my life; like the physical, emotional abuse, the abandonment, or even my sponsor telling me that the person I am makes me less worthy than everybody else around me. The thing is, I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel right now. I am the only person that has the power to make me feel ANYTHING. I learned a long time ago I am responsible for my own life and the way I choose to live it. In the end I will have nobody to blame but myself.

It’s not like I don’t have any options here! I just don’t want to feel like I have been defeated. If I leave this whole mess I want to make sure that I leave on my own terms, but at the same time I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness to make a point. Which brings me back to my original question, When is enough, enough!?

3 comments:

Jason said...

bitch bitch bitch! hahaha. You know I love you man, all you have to do is make sure you are happy with your own decisions. You are an amazing athlete, but you are an even better artist and above both of those you are a ridiculous academian capable of doing anything you want! Duh you have options! The entire world is your fucking oyster man.

Trevor said...

If it's that bad then you should quit. Nobody is going to think less of you. It seems like you have been forcing this for a very long time, but it's just not the right fit for you!

The last think that you are is a quitter. You deserve the right to be happy and while you may have a lot of passion in what you are doing, maybe its not what you were meant to do professionally. There are a million other things that you are capable of, I know you can do anything you want!

joshua said...

chin up, tiges!

you're too good for those bastards anyway. don't make 'em think otherwise.