Monday, October 29, 2007

Crazy busy!

I am doing alright! I know I have been away for the last few days and I haven’t updated about what was going on with the fires (There was a whole string of negativity that I decided to delete because I couldn’t figure out how to respond to the comments without using profanity), but I have been a very busy boy. I have been painting like a machine, playing the perfect host to a gaggle of my friends, partying like a rockstar (It’s my second job! LITERALLY! Don’t ask.), and surfing like my life depended on it!

By Wednesday most of my friends had made other arrangements for housing or were allowed to return to their homes. For the select few that weren’t so lucky, I decided it would be fun to head north for a weekend of debauchery. My second job required my presence at Newport Beach Thursday night, and I knew it would be the perfect excuse to get all of us out of the smoke and ash. Plus my friends that were coming with me know how to have fun, and the event that I was working would be the perfect opportunity for them to help me out a little (everybody needs to earn their keep in the house of RGB). To say my friends lived up to all of my expectations would be a HUGE understatement! There are certain moments of that night I can’t fully recall, and most of my other memories have a pleasant little blurry feeling to them, but I KNOW we totally brought the fun.

On Friday we made our way to my hometown in LA. Most of my friends (that were with me) don’t know LA very well and were very curious to see where I grew up. Explaining that I grew up in a rural horse community by the ocean in Los Angeles didn’t make sense to them, as it wouldn’t most people, so I guess they had to see it to believe it! It was nice being home and seeing my family. I haven’t made it up here in over a month and I have been so busy that I forgot how much I really missed them! The rest of the weekend was dedicated to hiking down to all of my favorite surf spots. Oh yeah and a jog with my dad that has crippled me for life! I am not used to jogging such steep hills anymore and my dad totally embarrassed me by running circles around me on our “leisurely” morning jog. When it was all over I was hurting!

Now I am finally home! Brad and I are looking forward to returning to some kind of normalcy tomorrow as we both go back to school. We do still have a couple of guests in our house (that we are more than happy to have!) and there are a lot of people out there that aren’t nearly as lucky as we are , but it does feel good to lay down in my bed, wrap my arms around my boyfriend, and bask in the warmth and silence that is my home. Tomorrow with everything that has happened I have a million things to catch up on, and a million new things I need to start on, but right now at this very moment, I am enjoying having absolutely nothing to do except stay up all night with Brad.

Monday, October 22, 2007


I don’t have a lot of time. So really fast, San Diego is on fire but I am completely safe where I am. However a lot of my friends weren’t so lucky and to make a long story short, I have about 15 people camped out in my house. It’s kind of weird because a couple months ago I was freaking out about getting a 4 bedroom house wondering why the hell I would need that much room living all by my lonesome. Yet magically my house has had more than 3 people in it since the day I moved in. I guess I was crazy to think I would have trouble filling such a large home!

Brad and I are having loads and loads of fun entertaining our gaggle of house guests, and with school and work being canceled we are going to have a lot of time to hang. I have a couple of HUGE projects that I need to get done, so I guess we will see how this is all going to fit into my already hectic schedule. But I always do my best work under pressure. So maybe this won’t be such a bad thing after all…

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Epiphany

"When he turned and kissed me on the hill behind the campus and I felt his stubble on my face and it was like an anthem from the future singing yes, finally, finally you will know what it is to feel love."

Andy Towle

We have all had that moment, that magical epiphany where the possibility of happiness isn’t as unattainable as we originally thought. It’s a moment of joy and hope and a million other things that let us know life is worth living. Something in you changes, at first is unnoticeable, and all of a sudden your whole world seems different all because you are different!

When I finally noticed that change in myself, all I wanted to do was share it with everybody I loved. The second I made that decision I understood that there would be many people in my life that wouldn’t understand. However, I believe if you love somebody you have to let them love all of you or it’s all meaningless! Love means that you see everything that a person is, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and somehow you accept it all and love them anyway (or in some cases even more than before!).

Before I go any further I would like to make something very clear. I would rather have somebody chastise my reality, than love my illusion! I have received a lot of emails on my previous post. One of the reasons why it’s taken so long for this following post is because I was responding to each of the emails I received.

Now that I have come out to everybody, and I have some free time to think back on all that I have gained, and lost, I am alright with how things turned out. I have lost a few friends and a few family members during this whole process, but I have gained a new level of intimacy with every person in my life that was able to accept me for who I am. All the pain and sadness are nothing compared to the ability to finally feel comfortable in my own skin.

For the most part coming out has been an amazing and POSITIVE experience and I wouldn’t change a moment in that process! For every negative experience I had, there were 10 positive ones I appreciated even more because of those not so pleasant. Life is never perfect, and it’s always hard because each of our decisions bring on a million consequences we never saw coming. However those consequences have made me who I am today, and when it gets right down to it, I really like who I am!

Don’t let my coming out experience with my mother influence you to not come out to yours. You could be cheating yourself out of one of the most important moments in your entire life. There is always some fear of being hurt by those we love, but remember your perseverance shows how much you love them back and your surrender shows how much you don’t.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Repost 2/7/07: The Burn


It's no secret my mother has been emphatically against me being gay. Since the moment I told her I was gay, she has become increasingly aggressive with her desire to get me to change. Stopping to consider how this affects me doesn't seem to cross her mind, and figuring out ways to hurt me seems like it's her new favorite past time. When I originally posted this, I asked myself a question. "Was it worth it?" I know I can't change the past, but answering this question truthfully now, will affect my perception of my mother forever. I talk about this as if I haven't already come to a conclusion, which would be an absolute fallacy. Last night my mother and a few of my brothers and sisters made me aware of how unwelcome I am. My mom even brought up this very incident and asked me what happened to her son who used to stand for something. Truthfully, I have no idea what happened to the son she remembers, he's certainly not anywhere I have looked.

I have this scar on my arm. It starts at my elbow and it used to go all the way down to my wrist. Over the years my scar has shrank and faded away due to my aunt’s (she’s a dermatologist) constant care. Still the memory of how I received my scar has never faded.

Most people don’t know the difference between the degrees of burns. A first degree burn means that the outer layer of skin has been burned, the epidermis. A second degree burn means that the burn got through the outer layer of skin and damaged the second layer, the dermis. A third degree burn goes right through the first two layers of skin and damages the hypodermis. It can also involve muscle damage and even burn all the way down to the bone.

Third degree burns are tricky bastards. They burn through the nerves, so they don’t actually hurt. The only pain that people feel, are from the areas where there are second and first degree burns. So the fact that you can’t feel it actually tricks you into thinking that you aren’t as hurt as you actually are. For a few moments you think that you might actually be okay. It’s a lot like when a cartoon character runs off the side of a cliff, and for a moment he's floating in midair, but then he looks down! If only he hadn’t looked down, he would have stayed suspended in the air indefinitely.

When the iron frying pan came crashing down on my arm, it felt cold. I thought that I was invincible. Then I saw chunks of my skin stuck to the bottom of the pan as he raised it up to hit me again. I heard my skin sizzle, and I knew I was hurt. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother behind me. She was pregnant with my sister, and I knew I had to do whatever it took to protect her.

I was getting out of the shower last night, drying off in front of the mirror. I looked up at my reflection and I noticed my scar for the first time in a long time. I remembered who gave it to me, and why I had it, and for a split second I thought to myself, “Was it worth it?”

My mother can’t even look at me anymore. She’s treating me like I am a disposable nothing. She makes me feel like she wishes I would die tomorrow, so at least she could preserve the memory of who I was, and not who I am or will one day become. That way she could pretend that I wasn’t a sinner and I wasn’t damned to burn in hell.


The scariest moment in my life wasn't this one. I know it seems pretty bad, but in the grand scheme of my life it barely cracks the top 5. The scariest moment of my life was the moment I realized that my mother wasn't going to be there for me because I am gay. It was scary because I knew even being surrounded by so many people that cared for me, my mother wouldn't be one of them and nobody could replace her. I have since come to realize that it could get even worse. Most of my brothers and sisters are now proud members of the, RGB is going to burn in hell alliance. It's a lot to take in. I am doing my best to not let this be a bigger deal than it is. But it kind of feels like a pretty big deal. Maybe I should do my best to take solace in the fact that they are doing this because they love me. Still if that were the case. I kind of wish they didn't love me so much.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Labeling shit sucks!

For a very long time, I have felt guilty that maybe my boyfriend is into me a little more than I am into him. Don't get me wrong! I think Brad is so genuine, caring and SMART I can't even tell you! Plus the fact that he is the most gorgeous guy I have ever been with doesn't hurt. It's just sometimes, when it gets very quiet and we are both left alone with our thoughts, every so often I find myself missing Eddie so much it hurts.

One day, not very long ago, after having one of those painful moments of thinking about Eddie; I looked over at Brad, and all of a sudden I felt better. I don't know what it was. He didn't say anything special, or do something different. Still something about us had changed in my mind and I felt like I was seeing Brad for the first time. Five minutes earlier, had Eddie walked up to my house and rang my doorbell I would have kicked Brad out of my house so fast he wouldn't have known what happened. Yet somehow five minutes later I felt like this was actually a lot like falling in love.

I never knew it was possible that my heart could belong to two people at once, but I realize now that as long as I live I will always love Eddie and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I am just happy to know my heart is big enough to love someone else also. There's still a part of me that's not over Eddie, and still feels guilty when I am with Brad. But there's an even larger part of myself that couldn't imagine life turning out any other way. I am an indecisive mess, I over think everything, and I am never content with what I have; Brad better be falling for me also because I think we might just have something special here.

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you'll like me...

Bright Eyes

I felt like Connor's words really fit the mood. Was it too much?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Drainage issues

Something happened with the washing machine last night... Instead of the water going down the drain during the spin cycle, it ended up all over my garage floor! I tried to be all "responsible" and mop up the water (you can see the mop handle on the bottom right hand of the picture!), but has anybody tried mopping up an entire 3 car garage all by themselves!? It's not an easy task. I got bored, so instead brad and I went skateboarding.

I miss the days, when I could just shout down the hall to my parents that the washing machine has exploded and then they had to take care of it while I went outside to play! Being a grown up is hard work! I am going surfing to see if maybe the problem will take care of itself while I am gone...

Friday, October 05, 2007

Conversations: By Me and Jane

What was the name of that movie with those people in it and they did that stuff!? It’s been bugging me all day and I just can’t think of what it’s called!

You are going to have to be a little more specific than that…

Well… That girl was in it that was on that show we hated and then it got cancelled and then she did that other show nobody watched but it stayed on for like a million years. Oh! And it also had that guy in it that I hate because he looks like a HUGE douche bag!

Oh! You mean, The Skulls”!!

Yeah THE SKULLS! Do you want to go to Jamba Juice?

Nobody ever got me the way she does.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Bad Day Gone Good

I started out having a pretty crappy day. I was moping around the house like a 15 year old girl who just got dumped by her first boyfriend. Then Brad reminded me that we had a project to get started on in the backyard today!! I love using my caulking gun! It always cheers me up when I am feeling a little down.

There's something about working with my hands and doing something productive that relaxes me. If it weren't for the fact that my dad would murder me in my sleep (my dad has serious issues with ANY of his children pursuing a career that doesn't require an advanced degree in some kind of science), I would become a carpenter. How crazy is it that I can be as gay as I want, but if I even think about becoming a blue collar worker I am going to be automatically disowned!? With our powers combined, Brad and I were able to create a really cool table for the center I work at.

Right now Brad's in the shower, but when he gets out he is going to make me the best dinner ever and then we are probably going to have some sex. I am pretty sure that I have found the secret to turning a frown upside down. How jealous are you guys!?

Monday, October 01, 2007

Like Peas and Carrots

As most of you know, my best friend on the planet is Tyler. He is my brother for all intents and purposes minus the whole DNA part. What I haven’t mentioned is Jane. Jane would be the female version of Tyler, and together the three of us were inseparable all from our early childhood all the way through high school graduation. Jane is the epitome of tomboy sexiness. Her mom was a model and her dad was an actor, so she is blessed with AMAZING genes. Still she was never one of those girls that wasted half their lives primping and preening, she didn’t care about getting dirty and she was always super tough and that earned her a spot as the only girl in our surf group.

We all had pretty liberal parents, so all the way until the day we graduated we were still having sleepovers and food fights in each other’s living rooms. None of our parents ever objected to the fact that we had a girl sleeping in our room because they realized a long time ago that we would never think about Jane in any other way than our friend. No matter how cool we were trying to be, or who we were trying to impress, when we were around each other it was like being 7 all over again. Suddenly having fun took priority over looking cool, and most shenanigans ended with all eyes on us (and never because of how well mannered we were!).

Anyway after we graduated high school, Jane moved to England for her degree and later to Tokyo for hew new job. We wrote emails to each other non-stop for all the years she has been gone, and every once in awhile a tour date would come up where she was in town and we would be able to hang out in random cities all over the world. She was one of the first people I actually came out to because I didn’t have to look her in the eyes when I told her. So in some ways I am grateful that she was gone so I could get that weight off my chest and get the ball rolling, but for a million other reasons I have always wished that she could be here for me. For so long she has been an abstract memory in the back of my mind, now after almost 7 years, she’s home for good! How fucked up is it that one of the first things I thought about telling her was, “I wish you could have been around to see Eddie and how amazing we were together.”? Oh well…

Tyler, Jane, and RGB; we are a little bit older, and a little bit wiser, but still, it’s just like old times.