Sunday, March 30, 2008

On Second Thought...

I have received a lot of emails on my previous post. You guys have some strong opinions on what I did, some of them in support of my actions, but most not so much. Now that I have had some time to further reflect on my actions I would like to revise my previous statements. I don’t really want to fight every single ignorant person I encounter. If I were to do that I would very possibly spend the rest of my life fighting. Even thinking about this possibility makes me tired, but there’s still a huge issue left to tackle. And that’s my anger and why it gets so out of control when I hear insults over my sexuality.

I am a minority, so I have lived my entire life dealing with bigots and racism. Some of it was very subtle and could be brushed off as oversensitivity, but some of it was outright and could not be confused for anything else. Still, I never felt that violent urge building in me after somebody made a joke about my slanted eyes. The closest I have ever gotten to a confrontation having to do with a racist was this guy who wouldn’t shut up about how Asian guys have really small penises and he wouldn’t stop talking about how small I probably was. So one day I just whipped out my penis and I asked him if he thought he could one up me. He never mentioned it again.

Gay insults are all about making the other guy feel smaller, weaker, and less masculine. They are about calling out a guy and telling him he is less of a man because he happens to like other men. Guys feel like they can do this to us because in their minds we have already emasculated ourselves by being with another guy. Manliness, Machismo, Masculinity, these aren’t words that would be considered synonymous with homosexual. This is why they call us fairies, fags and queers. They don’t think twice about it because they feel like they possess those qualities and we don’t, so they hold all the power. If I am truly honest with myself, I think this is the crux of my problem. How do I show another guy that I am still a man even if I happen to be gay? It’s not like I can whip out my masculinity so they can see mine is bigger.

I hate the idea of some random guy thinking he has got the best of me, because no matter how much I try to deny it, I still care about what other people think. I guess the worst part of my problem is the realization that the only reason I need to try and convince other people I am just as manly as any other guy is because I am still trying to convince myself of this. I KNOW being a man has absolutely nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the kind of person you are, the decisions you make and the way you choose to live your life. However at the same time my whole life I was brought up with this picture of how a person who made all those right decisions would look like. I just don’t see myself in that picture.

I guess I still have a lot to work on in terms of my personal development. However I am going to do my best to count to 10 and walk away the next time I hear somebody insulting my sexuality. Because even if I hate the feeling of letting them think they have won, I would hate myself more for becoming the kind of monster that is even worse than they are.

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