Thursday, June 05, 2008

4 days in Oahu

Bradley and I made it over to Oahu and we had an amazing time. It’s weird being there in that situation with Bradley. I guess I kept on expecting somebody to call me on what I was doing there with Bradley, but nobody said anything. I was pretty sure nobody could be so blind as to not pick up on the vibes Bradley and I were giving off. Even though we weren’t making out in public, there’s just a special way two guys in love interact, and I am sure it’s obvious in everything we did.

We saw the sites and we totally did the whole Honolulu tourist thing to the point where I started to get a little embarrassed with myself over the whole thing. We both agreed we had the most fun going to the Polynesian Cultural Center. That place is amazing, and I don’t care if all the guys that work there are crazy Mormons because they are all so fucking HOT and half naked that its impossible to be mad at them.

On our last night in Oahu (last night) I was having trouble sleeping. It was around 2 am and Bradley was dead asleep, so I decided to go sit in the front of the house and listen to the waves break. I wasn’t out there for more than 5 minutes when one of the other guys in the house came out to talk with me. This person in particular I have known since I was 13 years old and I came here to visit for the first time. He handed me a beer and then we just sat there in silence for a very long time. We were both just waiting each other out to see who was going to talk first. Unfortunately I have been away from the island a little to long, and I no longer have the patience that I once had!

RGB: So… You know I’m with Brad right?
Good Friend: I know. You know it’s cool with me right?
RGB: I do man.
Good Friend: This isn’t why you left, is it?
RGB: A little bit, but this wasn’t the only reason. You know when it comes to this life I have always had one foot in and one foot out. One day I just got to the point where I didn’t think I could deal with all of it, so I made a choice.
Good Friend: Well you seem really happy.
RGB: I am.
Good Friend: You know you are always welcome here. Yeah when the house is full there are always going to be a few guys who aren’t cool with that stuff, but nobody’s going to give you a hard time. Like everybody here, you’ve earned your respect. Besides they mess with you then they’ve fucking messed with me!
RGB: Shit dude! Can you just give me a hug already so we can change the subject!? You are about to fucken make me cry! My people do that a lot.

So we hugged it out and went back to sitting in silence for awhile. It was a beautiful night. The stars shining and the waves crashing, I did my best to take it all in and remember this as the moment where I was honestly okay with the decision I made. For a long time I felt like I gave this all up because I was gay, which is true but at the same time it isn’t. I gave all this up because I never really wanted it in the first place. For so long I have been beating myself up over leaving all of this behind. Like somehow if only I had more courage everything in my life would be perfect! But I was remembering things through rose colored glasses.

If I am honest with myself, and I am slowly learning that this is the HUGEST and HARDEST part about coming out, I was never really happy here. Sure I enjoyed aspects of it, I would have to be insane not to. But from the very beginning I knew this life was never going to make me happy as much as I knew a girl never would either.

We sat there on the front steps still not talking. We both drank one last beer, then we said our good nights. I stayed out there for a little while longer, still trying to soak up the moment. After awhile I finally got tired and I headed for bed and for the first time in our 4 day excursion to Oahu, I climbed into bed with Bradley and I went to sleep.

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