Sunday, September 21, 2008

RGB, still an asshole?

I don’t even really know where I should begin. This has been a difficult week. I have so much anger in me. I am angry at my mom for making me feel like I don’t matter anymore because I am gay. I am angry at religion for giving my mother a guilt free excuse to treat me like shit. I am angry at my brother for not being able to be stronger. Most of all I am angry at myself for not being there for my family because I was too weak to deal with them. I was too weak to put my foot down and tell them ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is who I am, I am never going to change, and I am not going anywhere because I love them and they are just going to have to get used to it. Instead I left and now I can’t help but feel that this is all my fault. Especially because I have let it all go on for far to long and now its too late.

My brother is in some pretty serious trouble with the law. He’s was arrested for breaking more than a couple laws and if convicted he will very likely spend some time in juvenile detention. When I first went up to LA to see him, he didn’t want to see me. He felt like I abandoned him and he wanted to make me feel as shitty as possible for it. It worked. I spent most of last week feeling sorry for myself.

On Thursday I was asked to come to the rehab center by the guy who has been having regular sessions with my brother. So I did. He wanted to see both my mother and myself, and to say I was a little nervous would be a big understatement! I haven’t been in the same room as my mother for over a year because being around her usually sends me down a path of self-destruction that tends to ruin my normally sunny and carefree disposition, AND my weekend plans. This day was no exception.

She didn’t even try to hide her disdain as she asked me to be a part of the family for my brother’s sake. I’m not a strong person when it comes to mental attacks. It doesn’t take much for me to go curl up in a ball and cry for days. The idea of having to go back to living that way made me sick. So I did what I always do when I am scared and don’t want anybody to realize it, I attacked. As always, I was brutal.

I only have this one life, and I am tired of giving it to my family. If they want me back, they are going to have to do a much better job of showing it. I am done being their doormat, I have way to much self respect to allow anybody to treat me this way. Of course I am sorry about my brother and I want to help him but I’m not his father I’m his brother. Just as I am not responsible for causing his problems, I am not responsible for fixing him.

I feel like a prick, and I have a good feeling that maybe it’s because I am acting like one. I am done defending myself, I am done with their judgmental self righteous bullshit, and I am done feeling like I owe them something! They are the ones that owe me. And its time they realize that!


Anonymous said...

I read the lyrics to the song you posted. You might not realize how bitter you have become because you are so close to it, but you are bitter. Maybe after you have given yourself some time to cool off you will see your family needs you and maybe you might need them too? You are a good person and you seem really genuine in everything you do. Being the bigger man might sound like you are giving into them, but in reality it will be you doing the exact opposite. Think about it.

Jason said...

I get that you don't need anybody telling you what they think about your behavior. Just don't forget there are people out there who care about you and love you. You aren't alone in this world and its important you remember that. You are a good person and you deserve to do whatever it takes to be happy. I just don't know if what you are doing is going to make you feel better.

Anonymous said...

I fully understand the angst you are feeling: continually trying to please someone who is willing to kick you to the curb. I have been though the anger thing with both of my "parents", long since dead. What they did to me has become hardwired into my brain and is irreparable.

You need to analyze the situation and determine whether or not your mother's insensitivity has always been there and this is an escalation of of that insensitivity, or is this insensitivity just a response to the stress. If it has always been there, perhaps she is toxic to your life. That being said, if she is toxic, you may need to limit contact, and just be polite and respectful. Perhaps call her on the phone once a week and do chit-chat and, don't get into the midst of family problems. If the situation gets tense, then it is time to bail out of the call. "I gotta go, Mom. Love ya! Bye."

As to your brother, he volunteered for the position in which he finds himself. Now it is time for him to step up to the plate and pay the piper. Hopefully he will learn something and get his life back on track.

Here is something to think about: GUILT is something that the mind generates when a decent person has done something wrong. It is a process designed to put a person who has gone astray back on track.

Have you done something wrong? If you have done nothing wrong, then the guilt is not appropriate.

I suspect what you are feeling is profound sadness and disappointment.

You cannot change who you are, nor can you change who other people are and what they do and say; you don't have the power to do any of that!

Accepting the fact that you have no power to change the situation will in fact give you back some of your power.

I spent 42 years trying to get my mother to love me. She cared not a wit about anyone except herself. Years after her death, I finally figured out that she was the person solely responsible for my life-long depression. That was a tough pill to swallow and I was in a really bad way for about 3 months!

Once I accepted the fact that my mother was neither a "mother" nor a nice person, the depression lifted, and I was finally able to sleep at night with out the high-powered medications that would send me into oblivion for a few peaceful hours.

I hope that you are able to sort this out and above all protect your psyche.

Best old geezer wishes! :)


Trevor said...

You need time to chill. This has been an insane week and you are making rash decisions. You always do the unselfish thing when it comes to making your choices. I am sure once you have calmed down this time will be no different.