Friday, October 31, 2008

Hit the ground running!

I have been up for almost 24 hours straight but I can't sleep because I am TOTALLY wired! Between the time change and the crazy last day on my trip I haven't really been able to rest. I am totally on the biggest high of my life thinking back on everything I have done, I have never been so proud of how I represented myself as a surfer and as a man. I seriously feel like I could take down a a giant with my swinging dick and my massive ego!

I am in LA right now hanging with Tyler. In a couple hours we are going to head over to my mom's to check on my brother, then later tonight we are meeting Bradley and Tyler's chick for some partying in Burbank with a buttload of HS and college friends. I have an extremely busy weekend with the party tonight, this special event tomorrow in O.C., and a CRAZY party in Santa Barbara on Sunday. Thank god for my Ritalin prescription! Hope everybody has an awesome Halloween (and weekend) partying it up and what not.

Monday, October 27, 2008

A good week

We are staying in a very nice rental right now, and I almost feel bad for the owners, but not enough to stop having fun! One of the guys on the trip is a local and has the hookup for EVERYTHING and knows EVERYBODY so we have kind of been the place to be the last couple nights.

I had an AMAZING session on Saturday where I fucking ripped it! It was so epic people were still talking about it at dinner today. All this nonstop action has really been taking its toll on my injured war torn body, luckily I have my very own hot tub to soak my aching bones and let me tell you guys THIS IS HEAVEN!

The last time I did something like this was a couple years ago. I spent most of my time alone and miserable and when we weren’t surfing I would take off by myself for hours at a time. It all culminated with me having a complete meltdown where I bailed on everybody a few days early and spent the next few weeks sulking like a bitch. I was so lame I was almost completely cut from the final release.

This time is a complete 180 from my last experience. I have confidence in myself and what I am capable of in ways that I didn’t even realize until I was experiencing them. I really couldn’t pick out any one thing in particular that makes me different I just know that its been awhile since I have felt this good about myself. I could definitely get used to this.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Gone surfing...

I am on one last surfing adventure for the year and I am extremely excited to be doing this! I am working with the coolest guys ever and the director I am doing this for is the only person on the planet I would even consider working with right now. Like all these offers, this is all last minute because I am just filling in for somebody else who wasn’t able to be here, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I was next on their list! Which is actually a huge deal for me because this is all kind of a big deal.

I haven’t really had time to fully go over the itinerary but I am pretty sure I won’t really have time to update over the next couple weeks. So until next time, keep it real!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Lost potential

When I was a teenager I was positive I knew exactly where my future would take me. I would become the most famous and successful pro-surfer to ever live, I’d be married to a super model, and I would retire at 34 after being named the ASP world champion for the 10th year in a row. Then I would spend the rest of my days running my own surf camp and raising my three boys who would grow up to be famous surfers just like their dad. For some quiet time I would turn to my art and crank out mind blowing feats of photorealism that would take the art world by storm and my work would become the voice of my generation. Obviously things aren’t going to work out this way anymore, but for a little while I KNEW what my future was and nobody could tell me different.

There’s a marked disparity from the future I predicted and the one currently unfolding as I type these words. I have failed at my dreams, but I had never felt like a failure. Lately I have been taking a lot of bullshit from the guys about all this watching from the sidelines. I sit there in the sand and I watch them go out there and rip, then they come back out and there’s me with my microphone. After a particularly good ride a surfer comes out of the water with his chest puffed out and a smile so big you’d swear some chick just blew him as he paddled in. It’s an amazing feeling and nothing in the world can even come close to comparing, and every time I see it in another guy I feel a little more like a failure.

I am not surfing, I am not painting, HELL I am not even programming! Everything I spent my life perfecting I have abandoned and sometimes I can’t even remember why. I wish I had an idea of what I want to do because then I could be working towards some kind of goal as opposed to just Forrest Gumping my way through life.

Friday I shot my last segment for the network and I got on the plane and made a promise to myself to NEVER do that again. I felt like a dirty prostitute whoring myself out to make a few dollars. Everything about it was so degrading and emotionally exhausting, but only because I have made it that way for myself (if I hear the word potential in association with myself one more time, I’m punching somebody!). Now that I am free I am not entirely sure of what I am going to do next, but I can guarantee this time things are going to be happening on my terms. The next time I have a prediction for the future I am going to work a lot harder for this one to come true. I am sick to death of people reminding me of what could have been, don’t they think I have already played that game a million times with myself!?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Wish you were here.

I miss you so much. Sometimes when I am lying in bed doing my best to fall asleep at some random hotel room or sitting in yet another airport doing my best to stay awake I think about you and I miss you so much it hurts. I fucking hate this job! I make a compromise because I need some cash and I think what can one little compromise do? But for every little bit I give, they try and take a little more. I didn’t want to travel, I didn’t want to be on TV, I sure as fuck didn’t want to travel AND be on TV, and I definitely didn’t want to end up in this hotel all alone doing my best to chase some Z’s that quite possibly I will never catch.

I am at one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. I am surrounded by some of the coolest guys I know. This isn’t where I want to be. These aren’t the people I want to be around. I love you and I wish you were here, but even more than that, I wish I was home with you.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Round 2

I am a hard headed bastard, enough is NEVER enough, and I don’t learn life’s lessons easily! Above all else, I pride myself on the fact that I take shit from NO ONE! Even if I know standing up for myself will leave me broken and bloody, I’d rather be in a full body cast then let some guy punk me. You guys think I have laid it on thick enough? GOOD!

My mom called me early Saturday morning to let me know my brother came home drunk and high off his ass. She wanted me to come home and help deal with it, I felt like I needed to be there so I got a plane ticket to Long Beach and Bradley drove home. Tyler picked me up from the airport and on the way I filled him in on the family drama. What I wanted from him was a ride to my mom’s house, but what I got was a fucking shadow! He knew Mike was still at my mother’s house and he wasn’t going to let me go anywhere near that place without him. He’s been protecting me since my very first day in the 4th grade and I guess there wasn’t any point in him stopping now.

My brother was sleeping when I got to my mother’s house, so I decided I was going to let him get a couple hours before chewing him out. Instead Tyler and I went to grab some breakfast/lunch at our favorite beach restaurant. Right when I walked in the owner was all over me! He told me how he’s been watching “my show” and loves what I have done with it since taking over for “other guy”. I did my best to explain I was only covering for a few episodes and I had no intention of being the permanent host, but he wouldn’t be deterred. He pulled out one of my newer posters and asked me to sign it to replace the one that had been “damaged” earlier in the year (In your face Ryan!) and let me know that lunch was on him. So all things considered it was a good lunch!

We got back to my mom’s house around noon and my uncle was outside when I got out of the car. He smiled at me and said, “What’s up fag?” In that moment I didn’t even think about it, I ran right up to him and faster than I could think about it I had delivered a roundhouse kick straight to his knee and starting my assault with a second kick to his left kidney. The second he went down on one knee I tackled him and sat on his chest just punching him like my life depended on it. I got in a good 4 or 5 hits before he picked me up and slammed me onto the ground. He completely knocked the wind out of me and banged my head on the ground HARD. I was extremely dizzy and that’s when Tyler jumped in and just DESTROYED Mike. Mike basically bought himself an all day pass to the ER.

The thing about Mike is words and emotions don’t really faze him. He’s a big stupid thug who is approaching 30 and will still get in a fight with somebody walking down his street wearing the wrong colors. What he does understand is violence, and with every punch I throw he respects me more as a man because of it. He would never say this much in front of me, but he’s said it in front of everybody else, telling everybody about his fag nephew that could beat the shit out of anybody who tries to fuck with him. When I am not around I am the pro-surfer/genius/badass nephew that takes shit from nobody he brags about to everybody, but to my face I am the super fag that doesn’t deserve the time of day. So I fight for my respect because it’s the only thing he understands.

My brother had been in the kitchen eating when Mike and I started fighting and was able to catch most of the show. He ended up being a lot more difficult to deal with than my uncle. He has a lot of anger in him and while some of it is deserved most of it is just a bunch of teenage bullshit and he really needs to get over himself. I really didn't have the patience to coddle him so I let him know exactly what his options are. He doesn’t have any. I am not above calling his parole officer and getting his ass tossed in jail for the handful of laws he broke by partying the way he did. Zero tolerance and zero chances from this point on. I also warned him I didn’t need mom to tell me when he stepped out of line (because I know she will give him a million more chances to fuck up before telling me) all his friends have older brothers and sisters, and I KNOW ALL OF THEM! He can’t go anywhere or do anything without running into somebody that I KNOW and the second I hear anything, HE’S DONE!

After I was done, I took him surfing and we grabbed some burgers at In&Out. It was almost like old times. I really miss being a part of my family. This time around I am going to do a better job of standing my ground. I am going to do my best to be around more, but I really hope he doesn’t fuck up because I meant what I said, he has no more chances! What kind of brother would I be if I went back on my word?

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Back to normal

Last night was my "going away" party because I FINALLY headed back to SD! I am BRUISED like nobody's business, but god damn was that fun! Even though all my friends are getting old as fuck, they still know how to have a good time.

Bradley stayed home from classes today because we had some "catching up" to do. I am sooo tired from all that "catching up" that I need to spend some serious time recovering now. There's no place like home, I instantly feel better just being here.

I have a major bro party WAY inland this weekend that I am not looking forward to, but I am going to bring Bradley and we are totally going to make a weekend out of it. I hate bro parties because they are all just so fucking retarded, but its the life I chose so maybe I should just shut up and take it like a man.

All those weeks in LA gave me some serious time to meet with some awesome connections for exciting business opportunities. I think I feel a change in the wind... I am so over this bullshit I call a job and for the first time I think I have some options that don't make me want to step in front of a bus. More to come later...

Monday, October 06, 2008

Group hug!

I have been acting a little crazy these last few weeks. The stresses of life have really weighed down on me to the point of extreme exhaustion and more than a few tears. I am beyond done with LA and I am counting the days until I can come home to SD, and Bradley.

Between my crazy work schedule, and my brother's "recovery efforts" I am stretched pretty thin with the fake smiles and A-OK disposition. So to relax I have been hitting the gym with Johnny 6 days a week. He's training for one of the biggest fights in his career so it's really nice being around that kind of intensity! He doesn't have time to ask me how I am feeling or even notice if there's this huge raincloud over my head. We just hit the gym with a bunch of other guys and spend hours and hours grappling, hitting the heavy bag, and running until we vomit. If it weren't for Johnny I would have drank myself stupid this passed month.

Sunday afternoon a bunch of friends came over and we decided to head out to the beach. These are my super duper masculine friends that usually communicate with each other with a series of grunts and crude gestures, so I felt pretty safe from any emotionally invasive conversations. We had some beers caught a few waves and grabbed some good eats at a local dive restaurant it was a good day. Then Johnny had to go and ruin it all, but not really!

We were all sitting on the sand as the day started winding down not really talking about anything. Then Johnny looked over at me and told me he something that almost made me cry. BUT I DIDN'T, because I am a tough manly man like that! The other guys basically agreed with their usual grunts and inappropriate scratching. In the end it was relatively painless and extremely cathartic. I need more weekends like this.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Lost Sympathies

I am far from perfect. I don't demand perfection from the people around me. Just as long as they are giving their all, I resepect their effort and I move on.

I guess the hardest pill to swallow was accepting there might be a slight possibility things may not come as easily to other people as they do for me. I know I am lucky, but I WORKED HARD for the things I have achieved! Still I would be lying if I didn't admit certain aspects of working hard come easier and more naturally to me than they do for other people. So far share time has taught me that everything is my fault and the road to recovery starts with blaming others! Well I guess technically my brother is taking some blame for his actions, still when it gets right down to it, somehow its all my fault.

Apparently I was his main male figure growing up, so all his shit is somehow my fault. When I was my brother's age I did a lot of drugs and drank A LOT, I was arrested A LOT for curfew violations and "defacing public & private property" (I was a grafiti artist and damn proud of it!), and I would go out and party then not come home for days. This is the example my brother says he was follow and I think it's bullshit! If you people haven't figured this out, I am one of those all or nothing kind of guys. So if this 15 year old version of myself was the example he was trying to follow then what about the rest? I was on 3 varsity teams, I maintained ABOVE a 4.0 GPA, I was vice president of the student council, and I paid my mother's mortgage. He had to repeat the 10th grade so it goes without saying he's excluded from extracurriculars and let's not add insult to injury by bringing up the money issue.

Besides, what kind of strong male figures did I have in my life? I had 3 to choose from; my dad who would rather pretend life is perfect than deal with the reality, my first step father who was addicted to meth and would beat my mother in front of me for hours then turn his rage on me after he'd finished off my mom, or my second stepdad who was a raging alcoholic and wandered the house a shell of a man until finally one day he'd had enough and he disappeared for a few years. If we are all slaves to becoming what we observe as children, why wasn't I damned to repeat one of these scenarios!?

I feel angry and depreciated when they try and marginalize my achievements by calling me "gifted". As if being smart and a good athlete is all it takes to have my life. My brother is just as "gifted" as I am in everyway! When I was around he wouldn't even think about getting away with half the stuff he's doing, but now that I am gone he's going wild. That's on him. It has nothing to do with him not being as smart as I am or as talented as I am because he is everything I am and more.

They tell me I need to feel sympathy for my brother because he's trying to be like me, but clearly he isn't. They tell me not everybody can live life with the same "iron will" that I do. They say I need to take responsibility for the part I have played in what's going on with my brother. They even say this was bound to happen after a lifetime of living in my shadow (and that one hurts the most because that one I can almost believe). So I search within myself for that sympathy and I rack my brain to find how this is all my fault, but I just can't because I don't see it that way.