Saturday, November 08, 2008

On my mind

I have been holding off on posting for the last few days to see if I could get a fresh perspective on things. Initially I was pretty upset when prop 8 passed because of what it meant about our state and the people who live in it. It validates people like my mother and it makes them believe they are justified in their point of view because the majority of “the people” agree with them. It’s infuriating because no matter what we say, they will never respect us enough to let us be equal.

My mom let me know she voted yes on 8 when I went up to visit my brother on Thursday. Sometimes I think she is trying to make me feel as shitty as humanly possible. Before my mom became a Christian she never even voted, but after she found Jebus she’s all about the democratic process. Its disgusting because this is how the majority of us think; there is always some cool kid (whether it be the priest at church or the leader of your local union) peer pressuring all the lesser minded losers to do certain things and think in certain ways and people just do it because its easier than thinking for themselves.

I wish more young people would take our government and all of our processes seriously. Most people my age are extremely apathetic when it comes to learning about politics and the issues that affect us. They would rather assume that the government is just fucked up enough to never be fixed but functioning just well enough to assume everything that needs to happen will eventually get done. Let’s face it, not every gay person that was able to vote actually voted. Of course they didn’t want to lose the right to be equal; they just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. Apathy is the problem and it’s hard to not become apathetic when it feels everybody around you doesn’t care. Also its hard to not be discouraged when you can’t even convince your own mother you deserve to be just as happy as any of her other children.

I don’t know what I am trying to say here. I do know eventually I will be considered worthy in the eyes of my peers to have all the rights and privileges that the heteros have, it just feels a little shitty that I need to wait for them. I am doing my best to stay positive and not get discouraged but I think I will need a little time before I stop feeling bitter about all of this.

Side note to “Tyler” (the guy who commented on my previous post NOT my best friend)

Around 60 years ago my grandmother was locked up in an internment camp for being half Japanese while all of her family’s possessions we stolen by looters and government officials. I guess I should be really happy I wasn’t alive then.

35 years ago it was unheard of to have an Asian on television, and even though nothing much has changed on that front you can occasionally catch me on TV if you have cable! So aren’t I lucky for that too!?

7 years ago the first Asian American man was selected to be part of the presidential cabinet and the first Asian American woman was selected a year later.

My point is I am already a minority and I am all too aware of the things in my past and present that are oppressing me. Just because it was worse a few decades ago than it is today doesn’t mean I should be grateful because the omnipotent government decided to throw me a bone. I will NEVER be satisfied until I have EVERYTHING that I deserve as an American and as a human being. I still have a long road ahead of me both as a gay man and an Asian American man. I don’t need anybody telling me just because I don’t have AIDS I should put on my shit eating grin and thank the guy who’s kicking me in the teeth. FUCK THAT! The people who came before put their blood sweat and tears into the hope that this country really is a place where EVERYBODY is created equal. Because of them I have all the opportunities available to me they never did. So I honor them by not looking at my world through rose colored lenses, but instead I see it exactly as it is. I will honor them by picking up where they left off and never giving up on the American dream.


Anonymous said...

Bravo! I also hate it when people try and tell me how much worse it could be. Just because it could be worse doesn't mean that it couldn't be better. Don't let anybody tell you you should be satisfied when clearly you aren't. This blog is always an inspiration to me because of the way you attack life. You are a very insightful person.

Drew said...

It sucks it passed, I voted and I do not live in California, the fight isn't over.

Closet Mark said...

I agree.
Everyone deserves their right. Especially there in America where the President Elect himself said that America is a place of where all things are possible.

Rick said...

I completely agree with the apathy some people showed for voting this year. It was a big deal and some people didn't represent like they should have. I do think it's inspiring how many people are sticking to their beliefs now and rallying all over our country in support of us. This has become a national movement and its something that you should be able to take solace in. Stay positive, things will work out as they should soon enough.

Trevor said...

Good job RGB! Don't let the man get you down! If it weren't for people like you I would still be sitting on my couch stirring in my impotent rage. Being out there making history in the streets with you really felt good. Today was awesome, thanks for the invite. Your post as always kicked ass and made me feel like I could tackle a giant. Thanks for being you.

Mike said...

Most of us are discriminated against in someway or form (e.g. race, education, gender, sexual orientation, economic class, mental illness, physical disabilities, etc.). Aren’t we? I have a good friend who is discriminated against because: she’s black, bipolar, overweight, a Muslim, a lesbian and a foreigner. She’s not angry. She’s happy to be alive and strives daily to change the world around her. And I’m not saying being angry is a good thing or bad things. We all have the right to be angry at the reasons why we are discriminated against, but also have the right to love ourselves (or not) regardless who discriminates against us. I’m glad you’re angry at the world we live in and want to change it. You’re a very talented individual, and I’m sure you’ll do your part to make this world a better place to live, but if I had my wish, hopefully someday, with a little less self-hatred in your heart. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I really enjoy reading your blog. All the best.

John said...

Mike were you reading the same post I was? Because I am not really seeing any of the "self-hatred" you are talking about. What I see when I read this post is a man who is proud of who he is and he isn't going to accept anything less than equality.

In your comment what I do see is you marginalizing his life experiences and his people's history of struggles with your BS "I have a black friend" line. I don't even know you and I hate you already! Do you even have any idea how patronizing and offensive that was!? That really had to be one of the most disgusting forms of fake liberal passive aggressive douche-baggery I have ever seen.

RGB, I think you are amazing. You are always genuine and honest in a way that I don't see very often. Just because you aren't willing to settle for a life less perfect than other people doesn't mean you hate yourself. To the contrary it means you love yourself enough to not be complacent about your life and take control of events so you have a say in your future. Don't ever change and don't listen to the BS from guys like, "Tyler" & "Mike"

Jason said...

I agree with John completely. Mike's an asshole and I have no idea where he's getting this idea of self hatred. I would say he's projecting but that whole "I have a black friend" statement obviously makes him an upper middle class white guy.

I have never known anybody like RGB in my life. He has a very unique perspective of the world he lives in and he's a great guy. I have known him for the better part of 3 years and while 3 years ago he was a little confused about where he fit in, he never hated himself. 3 years later he has become the kind of person people dream of being.

What I got from that last little bit (which I think was what you were responding to in your comment) was RGB got annoyed with this man's comment on his previous post and was responding to it. A lot like you "Mike" this Tyler guy was trying to devalue what RGB was feeling with shaky nonsequitors. As to your comments, when did RBG ever say he felt more discriminated against than any other group of people to have ever lived? All he said was he was aware of the issues he faces himself being asian and gay. Again I agree with John, Mike I hate you and I don't even know you.

Anonymous said...

I'm kinda with mike on this one. But I don't think Primary Colors' self-unlove (I hate the word hatred) is due to his race or sexuality, it seems to stem more from his up bringing, his parents and how he learned to elicit love as a kid. I don't know Primary Colors personally, I can only surmise this from his writings, and I might be completely wrong, but generally, people who brag, lash out at others, over achieve to get others to like them, over spend to get others to like them, are compensating for something.

Trevor said...

I just wanted to chime in and add I too think Mike is an asshole and I also have no idea what the hell anonymous is saying! Primary colors? Like i am really confused what that means. All I am sure about is you just contradicted yourself. First you say you are with this "mike" and then you say you "hate hatred" and then you call it unlove. That's the most fucking retarded thing I have ever read. Your are stupid! Wait no, you are just really unsmart (I felt like it was appropriate since we were making up words).

RGB said...

I don't even know how to respond to this slew of comments. Ummmm first off there are definitely a lot of them and while I appreciate the defense I don't like the mean comments. I don't like the comments from Mike and Anonymous either, but I would rather just let them write their bullshit than have my friends bring themselves down to their level. Lets just all agree to disagree. When a person reads something they connect to it by projecting themselves into the words they are reading. What people get from what I write reflects more on them than it does me. I am okay with that. Lets move on.

Chris said...

I am a gay asian much like yourself. I have read and reread this post as well as many of your other posts and I see no sign of this so called self hatred. What I see is a voice I can finally relate to. You say things I have thought a bunch about but never put into words the way you have. I have read all your comments on this post and I agree with the guy who said you were being marginalized by these commenters. I find its hardest to share feelings of being persecuted with a white liberal because they are supposed to be open minded and the hardest thing for an open minded person to hear is they aren't perfect. Thank you for being you and don't let these nay sayers get you down.