Thursday, December 18, 2008

Just saying...

A few months back after coming out of the shower, we were lounging around in bed when you spent a half hour telling me all the things you loved about me and the things I do. It was the most intimate experience of my life. Some of the things you said were funny, others were serious, and some were so poignant that I swear I could hear Jane in the next room sighing out of jealousy! The way you so easily opened yourself up like that and shared yourself with me made me fall so much more in love with you I didn‘t even know it was possible. I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could be the kind of man who could tell you how truly amazing you really are and every little reason why.

I have never been good at expressing my feelings. Every time you tell me you love me I say it back in my head and I hope you know what I am thinking. Every time you cook dinner I psychically channel to you how special it made me feel and how much I appreciate it, hoping that somehow you can hear me and know in my heart what I don’t say out loud. When I am sad or disappointed you are always there to comfort me or make me smile and in those moments I am so grateful I would give you the moon and the stars or die trying.

Sometimes I want you to yell at me! I want you to shake me and tell me you don’t deserve to be treated like this and you deserve somebody who recognizes and appreciates everything you bring to a relationship. I really hate myself for being such a cold hearted bastard. I feel like such a disloyal ungrateful brat every time I have an opportunity to tell you how great you are and just let it pass.

We are having problems right now and its all my fault. I know they say it takes two, but in this case it was all me. The hardest part for me to deal with was when you tried to place some of the blame on yourself. It killed me because it just wasn’t true. You gave me everything you had and you never asked for anything in return. I took you for granted. I didn’t love you the way you needed to be loved, I didn’t take your feelings into consideration when I made decisions, and I didn’t tell you enough how special you are to me.

All relationships eventually come to a point where you have to decide if this is something you want to stick out and make it through the unpleasantness or if you should get out and cut your losses before things really get bad and leaving means your whole world falls apart. I am not ready for us to be over. I want to give everything I have into us and make things better than they ever were before. I want to be the kind of man worthy of all those things you once said to me in our bed. I love you and I need you and I promise one day I am actually going to tell you.

8 comments:

Trevor said...

If I were to have lived your life and gone through what you did I wouldn't be half the man you are today. You need to be proud of all you've accomplished in your private life. You have built strong relationships with trust and love, Bradley knows this! We see the qualities in people that we ourselves have in us. All those things you say about Bradley I see in you. Maybe not in the same way, but they are there.

Jason said...

You and Bradley are 2 separate people with very different personalities. Of course this means you 2 are going to express that love differently. Bradley is aware of the kind of man you are and this is part of the reason why he loves you. You two are going to get through this. I like the things you said about him on your post and I think you have the right idea about trying harder to express these things to him. Making things work means both of you need to change not just you. It does take 2 people to make a relationship succeed or fail. Don't ever forget that.

Anonymous said...

From what you are saying you are messing up in your relationship something fierce. Its hard being vulnerable, but being in a relationship requires a certain level of vulnerability. This is a lesson you can either learn the hard way or the easy way, right now it sounds like anything can happen. Make sure in the end it's you making the choice and not your stubbornness.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a very long time and since now I was a "silent reader":)Somehow, your last post made me want to say something.
Every little thing not said at the right time transforms itself into future questions an future frustrations. We can not expect from anybody to just know what we feel and what we think without saying it out loud. Which can be very difficult sometimes, but it's someting that has to be done. And I know that from my own experience.
I'm not trying to give you an advice, I do not believe i have the right to do that, but I want to ask you a question. Does Bradley know about your blog?
Julia

John said...

We all need to hear how much we are appreciated no matter how selfless a person is. Tell him you love him and let him know how much he is appreciated. Its hard for everybody to do this, don't think you are unique in feeling the way you do.

RGB said...

Guys I get it! I am an asshole! This is something I already know and I really am doing my best to try and express myself more. This isn't going to be easy, but thanks for taking the time to care. And to answer a question, Bradley doesn't read my blog. He knows that I blog, but he doesn't read it. Getting him to read something other than a textbook isn't possible, so I am safe! If he read what I just wrote I would step into oncoming traffic!

mike said...

While I don't know Bradley personally, but I'v seem some faceless pictures of him and read about him on your blog, so if you don't say "I Love You" to him. I will. Please forward his info.

Breathturn said...

I always love the way you write, but this post is so very beautiful and powerful.
Thank you.