Friday, December 12, 2008

out!

I’ve been staying with Tom since Tuesday night. He called me Tuesday afternoon completely freaking out and asked me to come home (well to my mom’s house), so I did. 2 hours later I was in Tom’s room trying my best to get my little brother to smile. I guess after Sunday night he kind of felt like he was on a role, so Monday morning came along and by lunch time he’d told all his friends he was gay and they were all fine with it. Of course I knew they would be because Tom’s best friend is Johnny’s little brother and that family only spawns awesomeness!

His problem started when he got home. Basically he felt like this huge secret he’d been keeping for all these years was finally out and never before had he been so FREE to be himself, then he came home and it just felt a million times worse than it ever felt before. I guess I could totally relate to that myself, after I started coming out to all my friends things got so hard for me to deal with at home that I actually moved out. I knew exactly how and why he was feeling the way he did. I wasn’t going to try and console my brother in a matter that I would consider inconsolable, so the real question became, “where do we go from here?”

It really wasn’t much of a question for Tom as it was for me. He only saw one solution to his anxiety and that was to tell mom right then and there. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for full disclosure! I just wasn’t sure how I was going to react when my awful soulless mother started spewing her bullshit. When I get angry I get scary. I wasn’t worried about getting violent because that would NEVER happen, but words hurt just as bad and my tongue packs an even bigger punch than my right hook! The last thing I wanted to do was say something that I know I would end up regretting forever. Lucky for me my mom goes to bible study until well after midnight so I had at least the night to prepare myself for the coming shit storm!

Around 9 I finally had Tom settled down enough to get some homework done. Tom was sitting at his desk studying for his Pre-Calc final and I was on the floor working on some new designs for work when Bob came in and wanted to know what was going on. I guess something had to be up because I only spend this much time in the house when something is REALLY REALLY wrong! Bob’s a good boy, he’s spoiled rotten and selfish as fuck, but when it comes to his family, he’s a good boy. I looked up at Tom and I gave him the “do you want to tell your brother that you are gay look?” (trust me! This is definitely one of those situations that get its own look!) he nodded so I told Bob to come on in and shut the door behind him.

After being told Bob just got a HUGE smile on his face and said that they shared a laptop and he figured it out a while back when Tom started beating off to internet porn! I fell on the floor laughing my ass off. That’s right boys, I ROFL’d! After I calmed down Bob decided he had more to say and things got serious. I don’t really want to get into details because some things are just too special to try and retell. I guess I will just say that sometimes even my spoiled rotten fuck up of a brother (and I do mean that in the sweetest way possible) can be the sweetest most sentimental guy on the block and by the time he was done all 3 of us had shed a tear.

Wednesday morning came along and I think I probably got 45 minutes of sleep that night I was so nervous! We hadn’t really talked about a plan of attack with my mother in any detail. Were we going to tell her before she went to work, or after she came home from work? Were we going to do it casually over a meal between asking to pass the butter or were we going to be all ominous and ask her to take a seat on the couch and tell her we need to talk!? Tom didn’t know what he wanted to do and he kept asking me what I thought we should do. I didn’t want to show him I was freaking out also, so I used my big boy voice and I told him it didn’t matter where he told her because her reaction wasn’t going to change.

He decided he wanted to get it over with and do it right then. So we walked out of the room into the kitchen where my mom was drinking her coffee. She looked up at us, gave us both a smile, and said good morning. I looked over at Tom and saw that he’d completely lost his nerve, and I soooo wasn’t about to force him to do this, so I let it go. My mom finished pouring her coffee into her car mug, grabbed her briefcase and her purse, and told us to have a good day as she walked out the door. Tom was ready to tackle me the second she walked out the door. He was pretty angry I didn’t push him to say something, or actually just tell mom myself!

Tom didn’t go to school that morning. He was to busy having a freak out in the kitchen to even think about getting ready for school. He really did just want to get this all over with and insisted he wouldn’t be able to relax until it was done. So I asked Tom what he wanted to do. Tom sat there for a minute then looked at me and said, Tell her at lunch. I asked Tom if he was sure because the second we show up to lunch together on a school day when he was supposed to be in class, she’s going to know something is up and he won’t be able to back out like he did this morning. He agreed and said this was exactly why he wanted to do it this way.

I can say without any uncertainty that I was just as nervous (if not MORE nervous) than my brother as we drove to the restaurant I told mom to meet us at. I saw her sitting at a booth as we walked in and I think she figured it out right there on the spot. I could totally see it in her face as we took our seat across from her at the table. For a moment she just looked at me the she started getting up and told me this was all my fault. I swear that the way she said it, I almost believed her. Then she looked at my brother and asked him if he wanted to be like me and Tom said yeah.

She just left. Tom cried. I didn’t. I just hugged him as tight as I could and I did my best to make sure he knew that he was loved. I didn’t cry, I held it together and I didn’t cry. I was proud of myself for being able to stay in control. It was hard but I did it for my brother. After he’d calmed down we took off and I decided we should blow off some team by catching some super cold sub-par waves! As he was grabbing the wetsuits and boards I called his dad and told him what just happened. He told me to pack up all Tom’s stuff and have him there that night and he would call my mom and deal with her. He told me he was proud of me it almost completely made up for what my mom said to me earlier.

When we got home, Johnny and Tyler were already at the house ready to help me pack up all Tom’s stuff, so we were able to get in and out in only a couple of hours. I could tell that by the time we loaded the last of Tom’s stuff into the SUVs it was really starting to become real to him. For the millionth time this week all I felt completely powerless to do anything that could be remotely considered helpful.

Just as we finished unpacking Tom’s stuff in his room at his dad’s house, his dad came home. He came inside and Tom ran up to him and broke down crying all over again. OnceTom calmed down his dad walked up to me and he hugged me. He didn’t say anything for awhile, then I started to feel the tears coming on so I excused myself and told Tom I’d be back in a couple hours.

The second I got into Tyler’s car I started crying. For a million different reasons I felt like shit. Now that I am taking the time to write this stuff down, I can’t think of one rational reason why I felt this way, but when the fuck are feelings ever rational!? Now that I have had a few days to reflect on things I guess I kind of just feel like I am way too full of myself. This is happening to my brother not me, so he should be the only one allowed to freak out.

This post is getting way too long so I think I am just going to quit here. I just wanted to thank everybody who sent me an email after my last blog entry. I got a butt load and a half of emails and they were all super supportive, the ones I was able to get through, there were a lot more than I could read in the few times I had to check my email. Thanks guys, you are all super duper awesome!

7 comments:

John said...

You're a great big brother. Your mom is insane for not appreciating what she has. Don't ever change.

Mike said...

You need to have "coming out" party for Tom. And kiss him, and hug him and have a blast! Celibrate his new found self and honesty!!

Trevor said...

Your brother has balls! And you sir have nerves of steal. I would have had a minifreak out and not handled myself the way you did. You are a good big brother.

Xico de Cadoro said...

Your story brings tears to my eyes, they are tears of pride. The world is a better place because you have tom and tom has you.
Love, respect and peace to you both.
my warmest and most admiring gratitude to you for setting an example of courage and love.

Anonymous said...

Your little brother is lucky to have you in his life. If you think your brother was brave and showed great character through out all of this you should remember he got it all from you.

Hamiptera said...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I just found your blog tonight and I'm pretty sure I just bawled my eyes out after reading this!

stanw said...

This is a heart-wrenching post and I can see why there were tears. You are a tremendous brother to Tom and he will cherish this for ever. So good he was able to go to his dad's and live where there was no retribution for sharing that he was gay. Sad that this had to happen this way and wish you both the best.