SB for the weekend

I jumped in my car at 4 in the morning to drive up to Santa Barbara. I had to see Bradley immediately, but I didn’t actually think this through as I drove up there from LA. I got there in an hour and it was still dark outside! So I went to the beach and I just took off jogging. The next thing I know it’s 6am and I have just ran a little over 5 miles. I couldn’t wait any longer! I pulled my cell out of my sweaty pocket and I called Bradley. He sounded so happy to hear my voice that it completely took me off guard and I almost hung up on him. I told him where I was and within 10 minutes he was sitting right next to me on the sand.

I don’t think I have ever felt so uncomfortable being around Bradley since EVER. My chest really hurt and I was having a lot of problems breathing, but this was where I wanted to be and this was what I wanted to do, so I swallowed that huge lump in my throat and I soldiered on. The words felt so alien and unnatural as they came out of my mouth, but despite how hard they were to say I meant each and every one of them. I hate feeling like I am doing something because somebody else is forcing me to. When I was growing up I used to always get in trouble because I refused to say sorry if somebody told me I had to say it. Even if I am about to do it, if somebody tells me to do it all of a sudden I just won’t! I always need to feel like I am the one in charge of me and even the perception of power over me is enough to have a HUGE freak out. The big thing that I realized during this whole painful process is that in this scenario I don't mind if Bradley is the one who holds this power. The things he asks of me are the same as the ones I ask of him.

I guess it was a combination of the cold air, the long unexpected jog, my lack of sleep, and my nerves, but out of nowhere I started to have a pretty major asthma attack. Of course since my last asthma attack was over 3 years ago I don't really carry an inhaler with me. So I kind of just laid down in the sand, put my arms up above my head and I did my best not to panic as I tried but failed to suck some oxygen into my lungs. My chest felt like it was about to cave in on itself and it got to the point where I couldn't even hear the crashing of the waves. I was completely out of it and in a whole lot of pain. Finally after a few minutes of Bradley squeezing my hand and totally freaking out I was able to regain enough of myself to get up and slowly walk to the cafe at the end of the beach. We sat there and talked for a while, by the time we got out of there it was already 2 in the afternoon.

My chest still hurt and I my breathing was still extremely labored, but i was pretty god damned happy. Things aren't perfect, and I have a feeling its because there's no such thing, but things are good. I have a long way to go before I can hold my own in this barely functional relationship but at least now I am aware of the things I need to work on. It also feels good to know I am going to have the opportunity to actually work them.

I am in Santa Barbara until Christmas, then Bradley and I are going to be spending New Years in Mexico with a couple dozen of our closest friends. Everybody have an awesome New Years because I know I will! ;) Once again thanks for all your emails, they were all great to read and very educational. If I have time I want to get in one more post before 2009. So wish me luck.