Sunday, February 22, 2009

Big night out!

You used to not be able to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people. Now, it’s between hipsters and retards. I mean, either that guy on the corner in orange safety pants holding a protest sign and wearing a top hat is mentally disabled or he is the coolest fucking guy you will ever know.
Chuck Klosterman

True to his word, Trevor took me to a slew of parties Saturday night, each one more painful than the one that preceded it! I knew the night was going to be awful when Trevor showed up with a bag full of clothes and threw a little bitch fit until I let him dress me. When he was done I looked in the mirror and I felt ill! I looked like I had just been ass raped by an Urban Outfitter and then it spooged grossness all over me when it was done. Against my better judgment I decided to NOT put up a fight because I knew I would have to save my energy for whatever Trevor had planned for the evening.

First stop, gallery show of some NYU artist alum. We are sitting in the subway and I am all too aware of my crotch and how it’s basically on display to the entire train, when Trevor starts telling me about the artist we are about to go see. This was a bad idea because after his description I had decided to hate the guy and everything he created before I even saw it for myself. So we finally get there and the first thing I want to do is just stand there and start making fun of the way everybody is dressed, and then I quickly remember that I am also dressed like them…

Inside I get my first taste of what this guy is all about. His work is total kitsch and not even apologizing for it. It wasn’t awful, it was just that I have seen it a million times before and he wasn’t even trying to be a little bit different or original. I was bored! Then I came upon these 2 hipster scene kids as they were critiquing an extremely vanilla piece. Guy A looks to Guy B and says, “The juxtaposition of these lines makes me not trust the artist.” and Guy B pensively looks at the painting then nods in agreement. So there I am completely dumfounded looking from the picture to Guy A then to Guy B, my eyes just got round and round between the three trying to fully register the nonsensical BULLSHIT coming out of their mouths and then I just can’t take it anymore and I bust out laughing! That was my cue to leave! I texted Trevor that I needed some fresh air and I would be outside.

The thing I both love and hate about NYC is how no matter where you go or what you do, chances are you are going to run into somebody you know. I wasn’t outside for more than 5 minutes when some person comes at me from behind and picks me up off the ground! I freak out for half a second until I realize that this isn’t how people get mugged in New York. I turn to my left and immediately recognize to ladies standing with a gentleman I have never seen before. Still after seeing these two ladies I know exactly who’s got me in this bear hug from hell! It was my favorite 6’5 300lb ginger, Daryl!

RGB: Put me down before you give me some crazy disease! Everybody knows gingers have cooties!
Daryl: We stood across the street for the longest time trying to figure out if it was you or not. What the hell are you wearing!?
RGB: Yeah… I played Ken doll to a very sadistic homosexual tonight and this was the outcome.
Daryl: I can see your penis through your pants.

We stood there talking for awhile, then Trevor came out of the gallery and I introduced him to my friends. After a few more minutes we parted ways promising to get together this week and catching up more. The next venue I was dragged to was an actual party, complete with a full bar and really bad music. I drank heavily! It didn’t help. I have no idea how long we stayed, but it was long enough for me to get extremely buzzed and lose all sense of time.

Our next and final stop was at an actual club. I have no idea where it was or what it was called because by that point I was not even pretending to care. Walking in the first thing I noticed was how few women were there. Once again I became painfully aware that EVERYBODY could see my penis through my pants and for the first half hour I walked around with my left arm on my right elbow and my right hand dangling in front of my crotch. After a couple of shots of I don’t know what, I stopped caring and started to have a good time. We danced for awhile, then we sat down in this lounge area where a bunch of Trevor’s friends had gathered and Trevor introduced me to everybody. I forgot their names right after they were told to me. I have no idea how long we stayed. I went to the restroom to urinate like 4 times and each time the same guy got up and went with me. I think he thought we might hook up in there, but I am sooo anti-restroom sex that there wouldn’t be enough alcohol on the planet to get me to agree to that! Plus I am nowhere near ready for sex with ANYBODY right now, even a hand job is out of the question.

By the time we got back to my apartment it was almost 4am. I was exhausted and so was Trevor. I made him stay the night, (morning?) in fact he’s still passed out in the living room, it's noon, and I have already showered and went out for breakfast. I guess last night wasn’t awful, but I don’t think I want to do this again anytime soon. I just can’t take anybody seriously in these clothes! SERIOUSLY! SERIOUSLY!? seriously.


Emma said...

I love the qoute at the top!! Once on the subway I was hating on a guy for trying to look so über cool in his grandpa-70's-retro outfit but when he got up at his stop it was very obvious he was slightly mentally disabled.

Jason said...

There better be pictures! I can't imagine you dressed like a hipster. This is something I would pay to see!

Xico de Cadoro said...

whether its humor or sadness, your writing is always simple, nice, and to the point. really pleasant, thank you. have you ever thought of writing a few pieces for the New Yorker...a bright (gay) young man with a mind, heart, and a (surfers) body...I'd read !

kisses from Xico

Trevor said...

Sadistic homosexual!? That's real nice dude! Is that the thanks I get for taking you for a night out on the town? You're just not used to dressing up properly for these kinds of events. If I would have left the wardrobe up to you you would have stuck out like a sore thumb! I don't care what you say, you looked fabulous Saturday night! Be thankful you have friends like me to save you from yourself! :p

Anonymous said...

Hipsters are so totally kidding themselves with the way they dress. You are a much braver guy than I am to spend an evening dressed like a clown [hipster] I wouldn't have done it. Your friend Trevor doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of your kindness you showed him Saturday night.

RGB said...

Ehhh... Thanks for the compliment about my writing style, but the idea for writing to get paid extremely uncomfortable! My process for writing here ususally consists of me sitting down for 5-10 mins and just writing. Whatever I have typed is EXACTLY what I post. I don't proof read, or spell check, or any of that nonsense. This is something very organic and raw and I would like to keep it that way. The idea of a polished edited piece by me makes me sad.

Xico de Cadoro said...

Organic and raw (yum ! lol )is good writing too if it makes sense. What people enjoy reading is something thats got soul, whether polished or raw: soul, emotion, is what retains attention and remains in your readers mind