Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I hate these posts

When I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I would have never believed that 5 minutes later you would make a liar out of me. I have spent 12 days and 11 sleepless nights trying to process what happened and I am still hoping that I will wake up any minute from the worst nightmare of my life.

At first I was furious with you! I was so angry that all I wanted to do was scream at you and make you hurt the way I was hurting! But then I looked into your eyes and I could see that there was nothing I could say to make you feel any worse than you already did. Of course that only made me more pissed because here you were now trying to take the wind out of my sail just as I was about to get started!

So I took a moment to collect myself and then I ran into the bathroom without ever saying a word to you. I stared into the mirror and I practiced smiling and acting like nothing was wrong, but even as I put on my biggest plastic smile, the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. I wanted to let myself fall apart right there in front of the mirror, but I knew that if I started now I wasn’t going to be able to pull myself together anytime soon and at that moment my first priority was getting out of your house. So I took some deep breaths, splashed some water in my face and practiced smiling some more.

Once I’d composed myself, I came back to the room where you were sitting on the bed waiting for me. When you saw me you knew, and you started pleading with me to change my mind! Why were you trying to make things even more difficult for me!? Didn’t you know this was the last thing I wanted to do!? I didn’t need you crying begging me not to go to make me feel like the bad guy I already knew I was. I grabbed a backpack and threw in a couple of shirts and a couple pairs of jeans and I left everything else I owned in your room.

Downstairs most of your family was gathered in the dining room and they asked me where I was off to. I told them that I was leaving. I told them I was so very happy for the family and I was so grateful that everything worked out for them in the end. I gave them a hug and told them goodbye. I think they could all feel that this was really goodbye. Your mom hugged me and she wouldn’t let go. I started crying. I told her I had to go and so she let go, and then I left.

It’s over. If you really think about it, this was doomed to fail from the very first time we kissed. I was just too dense to see us for what we really were, then before I knew it we were in love and then it was too late to do anything about it! It's mostly my fault. I don’t know what else to say.


Anonymous said...

No words can bring comfort to you when you split up, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers

Jason said...

I was wondering when you were going to get this off of your chest. I knew this was coming and I still had a hard time reading it. I hope you use this time in NYC in to recuperate and heal and not to just run away from your problems. I miss you!

Anonymous said...

I don't know either of you from real life, but I still feel like I can say with confidence that what you and Bradley shared for the better part of 2 years, was real. Even if it ended, take pride in making a relationship work for so long. Reading about you two made a believer out of me that there are people out there who could make me happy just like you guys.

John said...

Like the great Niel Sedaka always says, "Breakin' up is hard to do". I hope you are doing okay, after you are with somebody for so long its like you have to learn how to be yourself all over again. Both of you honestly seem like amazing and genuine guys and I am sure both of you will get through this.

brendan said...

Would it be uncouth to ask what went down here? Its all so mysterious and there's very little explination. Is there going to be a follow up explaining this further?

Trevor said...

It aint your business what went down with RGB and Bradley! If he wants to share it, he will.