Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Valley

Recently I discovered that a friend of mine is from “the valley”! Upon first absorbing this knowledge my initial reactions were shock and betrayal! I believe the exact word going through my head @ warp speed and on repeat was, “EWWWW!!!!”. I believe the conversation basically went as followed:

me: eww! You're from the valley! 
friend: no i am not! Van Nuys is the valley, bitch!
me: but this is like Pasadena and Pasadena is totally the valley! 
friend: it is not!  its the San Gabriel valley!  totally different  "the valley" is the San Fernando valley. we have no studios, no porn industry, no valley girls  we just have lots and lots of Asians! Its a very different valley 
me: yeah well being born and raised @ the beach, like any respectable Southern California boy, valley people are all the same to me! It doesn't matter which valley they are from… Sigh… but it's ok... I’ll do my best to not hold it against you 
friend: they're different valleys!!! 
me: I once became friends with somebody from Fullerton. If I can be friends with somebody from Fullerton, Pasadena can't be too different... 
friend: How gracious of you

So I swallowed my bile and repressed my need to run away and change my cell # because I like to think of myself as a pretty tolerant guy. I didn’t really buy it, but like I said, I am a tolerant guy, so I swallowed the horse crap the dude was shoveling and we moved on.

Fast forward to Tuesday and I am hanging out with Tyler and Jane and we are driving to our favorite restaurant in the South Bay for some super fattening and greasy noshing! In the car Tyler is driving and telling me about this hot chick he met at a club and got a number from her, but when he took a look at the number he noticed she was from THE VALLEY! Upon further preponderance he decided that no hot girl was worth some crazy valley STD and quickly 86’d her number. Then he further cemented his decision by declaring there was no way he was going to drive 2 hours in traffic then be forced to parallel park his car between a meth dealer and a midget porn producer just so some semi attractive chick could irradiate his dick. Fair enough…

RGB: There are different valleys, maybe she was from the good one!
Tyler: The hell are you talking about!? There’s a good valley!? Are you on drugs?
RGB: I am just saying that somebody was telling me that the San Fernando Valley is very different from the San Gabriel Valley and stuff… or something…
Tyler: You are off your rocker dude!
RGB: I mean come on! There’s nice cities in the valley like Pasadena and Arcadia and … uhhhh… stuff...

After making this statement both Jane and Tyler quickly attacked me (verbally of course!). Tyler accused me of never having been to Arcadia, which he was correct about. And Jane freaked out and asked me if I had actually been to the valley recently because she hadn’t brought her SARS mask and there wasn’t enough antibacterial soap on the planet to make me clean again. I was clearly outmatched so I quickly took back my previous statement about the existence of an acceptable valley.

They seemed appeased, but it got me thinking, what is it about the valley that brings out such strong emotional reactions from basically EVERYBODY in Los Angeles except of course the ones that actually live in the valley? Has it just been indoctrinated into us at such a young age that we believe it as much as most people believe that eating pop rocks and drinking coke makes you explode and drinking Mountain Dew reduces sperm count? All I know is that thinking about the valley (any valley in Los Angeles County) gives me the same feeling as thinking about some overweight smelly guy licking the entire side of my face in front of my mother, AT CHURCH! Which can only me described with a cold shiver running down your spine followed with deep waves of shame and filth.

I do still want to be this guys friend, I just don't know how I am going to be able to get passed all the shame, humiliation, and public ridicule! Not to mention the syphilis and radiation poisoning... I guess I will just soldier through this and somehow I will find a way! WOW! Sometimes I astound myself with how I am just like Jesus! Christlike if you will.


Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAA!!!! This post had me hysterically laughing! Trust me you had it right, valley people are gross. Don't let anybody tell you different.

Anonymous said...

Dude, start collecting donations and use the monnies to build yourself a monument NOW.

It should say:

I befriended a dude from the Valley (who gives the Fuck which one it is?) And I survived.

Love this post...

Jeff said...

its kinda like when people from jersey say they are from the city... sad.

Trevor said...

You rock so hard right now its like totally blowing my mind! FAN-fucking-TASTIC!

Jason said...

I was born and raised in the good valley until i was 14! FYI its the San Gabriel Valley that's known as the acceptable valley. There really is a big difference. No joke! You are an ass hat, but I guess its what I love about you the most... To tell you the truth I was laughing so loud while reading this that my coworkers actually came over to see what was so funny, then they started laughing too! Thanks for the morning cheer.