Thursday, April 30, 2009

Rude awakening

In the midst of all the craziness going on, that is my life, I had the most traumatizing experience of my 23 years at the tailor’s yesterday morning! If I didn’t have enough stress worrying about packing up my apartment, getting everything out of storage in Brooklyn, planning for this stupid wedding, and work, I just got another revelation thrown in my face that I now need to deal with! I am a fucking fat ass!

Of course since the bride works in the fashion industry, standard tux rentals just weren’t going to fly at this event. I needed to get something custom made just for the fucking wedding. After a month of comparing and contrasting Stephanie had found the “perfect suit” for me and arranged for me to meet with the person who was going to make it happen. I think I was okay right up to the point when he pulled out the measuring tape. I knew I had put on a few pounds since January because no running or surfing makes RGB a chubby boy (not to mention my atrocious eating habits and my affinity for dark beer). When the guy told me I have a 33inch waist I practically started crying right then and there! The last time I had my measurements taken was in November and I had a 28 inch waist. I gained 5 inches in 5 months.

The phrase “downward spiral of despair” doesn’t even to begin to cover my mood. A large part of my self esteem is based on my body, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I now look the way I feel, but still I am a little surprised! Physical manifestations of emotional problems always suck because nobody likes getting reality rubbed in their face, but it always just seems a little bit worse when those manifestations are happening with me!

Last night I dreamed I was on, The Biggest Loser, and when I stepped on the scale all the other contestants started laughing at me! It was seriously intense and I totally freaked out, woke up, and couldn’t get anymore sleep after that. The last time I gained this much weight I had injured my back, but the second I was better I lost all the weight in just over a month with a crazy no fat, no carb, no taste diet and a workout regimen that would have made an Iron Man competitor cry. But this time around I am just not motivated to put that kind of effort into myself. I feel like maybe being in shape at this point in time might actually be more trouble than it’s worth. The last time I lost all the weight it didn’t really do anything to improve my mood and it wasn’t until months later that I actually felt better about myself.

My fat ass is only going to last until the second week of July, by then all the activity from surf camp and skate camp will have totally burned it away. Maybe in the meantime I can work on the other stuff that has been bothering me. Until then I am hoping this Biggest Loser nightmare doesn’t start happening on a regular basis. That would be bad.


Trevor said...

I don't even know where to begin! You are fucking crazy! Yeah you have put on a couple extra pounds, but you don't look fat, you just don't look like a 12 yr old boy anymore. The reason why all the ppl from the biggest loser were laughing at you was because they were trying to figure out why the hell you were on the show. Sometimes you can be a total drama queen! Man up Nancy!

Jason said...

You are not fat! I know I haven't seen you since Coachella, but I seriously doubt you've gained that much weight in the last 2 weeks. Stop smoking crack and take a nice honest look at yourself. YOU ARE NOT FAT!