Sunday, June 07, 2009

Goodbye NYC!

Usually when I leave NYC I get to say, “Until next time…” but not this time. This time it is goodbye. I was supposed to sleep in a hotel tonight and fly out to San Jose tomorrow afternoon to begin prepping for the camp I will be running. However I am pretty much dealing with the worst case of insomnia EVER! Maybe it’s all the left of adrenaline from all the crazy things I had to do for the wedding today, but I think it’s more because I am finally understanding that this is all really happening. The last of my belongings were shipped back to LA this morning and now the apartment is as empty as (according to some people who have been emailing and commenting lately) my brain, my heart, and my personality.

Right now, sitting here in my empty living room in the dark, if I close my eyes I can pretend that everything is as it was and nothing is about to change. This apartment and I have been through a lot together. Not even a month after moving in 9/11 happened. I was 2 months shy of being 16 and all alone in a city that felt like it was at the dawn of an apocalypse that was an awful day to be a downtown resident. After some time a few building inspectors, a few major repairs and some renovations I moved back into my apartment but this time feeling like a piece of myself went into making it my home.

For 9 years this little apartment in Battery Park has been my sanctuary. A place that I never had to share with anybody and I always knew it was there for me if I needed it. I can’t believe this is all coming to an end. I didn’t believe it as I was saying goodbye to all my coworkers and friends I have been with for the last 9 years at the runaway shelter. It didn’t feel real as I said my farewells to my teachers and my buddies at the martial arts gym. It definitely was extremely surreal to meet the potential owners of my new apartment. But nothing really hit me like it does right now looking around at my empty home and hearing how even the slightest noise echoes through this shell.

I know it’s not like I am never going to come back to NYC, but when I do it won’t be like it is now. NYC will never be the same again because I have no place here to call my own. I keep on trying to tell myself that maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I have gotten to used to running away to my “other life” in NYC whenever things get too difficult for me at home. I did it after I broke up with Eddie, I did it after I first started dealing with my homosexuality and most recently I did it again after I broke it off with Bradley. Not all 23 year olds have a little getaway in a sprawling metropolis they can pop in on whenever they feel like it, so maybe it’s time I start seeing how the rest of the world copes.

It’s 3:30 am and I have been up since 5 am the previous day doing all sorts of wedding activities a man of honor is supposed to do. I am not starting to feel the exhaustion that a wedding can create and my eyes are starting to feel very heavy. I am going to lay out on this window bench I built with my own 2 hands and spend my last night in NYC here in my home for 1 final time. If these walls could talk…


David said...

if those walls could talk they'd have a lot of proud things (and not so proud) to say i'm sure.

good luck with the moving!

ps bay area rocks :P

Mike said...

Sad post.