Monday, June 29, 2009

It's been awhile...

A couple weeks ago (But for some reason it feels more like a month) I had to deal with the most difficult experience of my adult life. It completely drained me both physically and emotionally but I had to keep going because crumbling into the fetal position and crying wasn’t an option. I did my best to help out but unfortunately this time my best wasn’t enough.

I am not at all squeamish when it comes to injuries. I have my Lifeguard EMS certification and I have worked at sports camps my whole life. I have seen broken bones, bloody gashes and a plethora of other injuries all in a day’s work. But this was different because of the intent behind the injuries. This was different because I had never been in a scenario where helping this person meant putting myself in danger. Okay that’s not true! I have put myself in danger to help others plenty of times, but I have never been scared to help somebody like I was this time. Total it was probably only about 3-5 minutes of me taking charge of the situation, but by the time the police showed up and they let the fire fighters in then finally the paramedics, I was completely drained.

It’s really hard for me to accept any type of emotional comfort from people because I always work so hard to make sure that everybody thinks I don’t need it. So whenever things get to the point where I can’t hide the fact that I need a hug I am so embarrassed that I could crawl into a hole and die. I tell myself and anybody that will listen that I would much rather sit in the dark and cry myself to sleep than have somebody hover over me and try to console me while I am inconsolable, but after these last few difficult days I am starting to realize this just isn’t true.

I don’t know how I ended up with so many amazing people in my life. Taking care of me is no easy task. I am a grouchy angry bastard and I hate it when people see me at my most vulnerable so when they do I can sometimes be a little bitch about it. I yelled at them, I kicked them out multiple times and I basically treated them like crap, but they all kept coming back for more. They made sure to be there to wipe away every tear or just hold me when words failed.

After it happened I was surprised by how much the whole experience affected me. I couldn’t go 5 minutes without completely falling apart. But my friends stuck to me like glue and they made sure I had everything I needed to get through this. Two weeks later and now I am shocked by how much this doesn’t affect me. Don’t get me wrong, I am still dealing and it’s still pretty difficult but I actually smile and joke around now and I am not doing it just to put on a show.

All this craziness really took the wind out of my sail and it seriously messed up my tight summer schedule. I have had to move a million things around to accommodate my little breakdown and I am going to spend the next 2 months paying for it! Lucky for me I love what I do and I honestly feel like this summer is exactly what I need to finish all that mental healing. I have never had to hold somebody as they took their last breath and I hope to never do so again, but I am glad I was there for him as much as I could be. Let’s all just hope this hasn’t fucked me up anymore than I already was.


Anonymous said...

Whatever you went through, it sounds like it was traumatic. It is good that you have friends to help you through this difficult time. I get its hard to let your friends see you when you are down, but letting them in was the right move. Good for you for being brave enough to do so. My sincerest wishes that you are feeling better.

Trevor said...

The reason why you have such good friends is because you are a good friend. We get what we put into our life. You put in a whole lot of time and effort for all your friends so don't be shocked they all want to do the same for you.

Jason said...

What you have been through in the last few weeks and where you are now, its crazy impressive. I love you and your ability to absorb and move on. Don't forget we are all here for you if you need us.