Monday, July 06, 2009

I like to walk around in circles.

Bradley and I have been spending ridiculous hours on the phone with each other lately. He was really there for me when I needed him and he reminded me how much I missed and needed him. I have been spending a lot of time with him in a nonsexual context and I think he and I could be amazing friends if he stopped looking so fucking irresistible to me.

I am working 12 to 14 hour days so I don't have a lot of time to dwell on this, but our relationship is all kinds of fucked up and confusing right now! We have moved passed the fucking and fighting and I am starting to feel a connection with him in a deeper way that I haven't felt with him in a very long time. We aren't going to jump back into a relationship because I still feel very strongly about the reasons we broke up. He needs his own life away from me. I am done being the guy that holds him back from fully experiencing everything that being in college has to offer.

Obviously Bradley and I have a strong connection and a deep bond. We started a relationship the summer before his freshmen year in college and despite all the craziness of him being a varsity athlete and me being a pseudo celebrity diva we spent the better part of 2 years making each other happy. I have no doubt that we could jump right back into our relationship and regard the last 4 months as indigestion, but I just don't ever want Bradley to look back and think, what if!?

I have had my chance to see the world and experience many different people. Why shouldn't Brad get the same chances I did?

3 comments:

Mike said...

Cool. But update, homie, soon? :)

But actually work is a great elixir sometimes, innit? It keeps one's mind focused. The essence of life, more or less.

Anonymous said...

People have all sorts of different college experiences, which is normal. If there were only one way to have an awesome time, everyone would get bored of that shit and move on. I don't see why you're so adamant about not "ruining" his college experience by giving him a really great relationship--- unless you actually feel that you are not on the same page and don't have the capacity to understand one another's situation. Since you still talk to and rely on him so much, this doesn't seem to be the case.

Stephen said...

Don't make yourself into a martyr. Don't pretend you know better than him. It's one thing if HE decides he wants to "enjoy" his college years in a particular way that does not involve you, and you understand, that's one thing.

However.

You keep talking about how YOU are doing this for HIS own good.

Maybe he doesn't want the "same chances" you had.