Monday, November 09, 2009

the grind

I have been struggling with trying to figure out how I fit into my life since coming home from Europe. I have absolutely no direction or drive to do anything! I spend my days watching TV, surfing shitty waves and playing with my dog, all the while slowly going crazy from boredom and a life of mediocrity. Wasn't I supposed to be the guy meant for something special? Wasn't I going to grow up with my face on the cover of magazines? What the fuck am I supposed to do now!?

I went to college to become an engineer. I traveled the world to become a better surfer. I accomplished both but really didn't find happiness or fulfillment in either. Out of boredom I have taken on a huge programming project that will eventually take up every waking moment of my life, just so I can stop thinking about how much of a failure I am. Today was my first day and I spent the majority of it refamiliarizing myself with the project because I was the guy who created the original program 4 years ago. Since then, it's gone through quite a few changes and tweaks from other professionals but now its time for a complete overhaul and the honor of this metamorphosis goes to yours truly.

At first it worried me that something this HUGE and important would be entrusted to me. But then I thought about how much more impressive I look on paper (Ivy League graduate, internship at one of the top corporations in the world, multiple awards and commendations for a plethora of programming challenges and events, etc), than the reality of ACTUAL me ACTUALLY is, and I was somewhat comforted. After I met all the people who were going to be working for me and was immediately relieved to discover they were all a million times more competent than I am! I spent most of my day getting to know my team and learning a little about each of them and what they brought to the table. I usually get pretty insecure when you put me in a room with a bunch of programmers because I am pretty atypical when it comes to your standard computer guy; i.e. I don't know how to play Dungeons & Dragons, I don't have a WoW account, I never held a Magic card, and I have had sex within the last week with somebody I didn't meet on the internet.

There's usually this HUGE disconnect when I meet other programmers and I am willing to admit that I am largely to blame for this. It would be a completely fair statement to say that I am the Elle Woods of the computer world. I stick out like a sore thumb and not in a good way! I am not a huge fan of using technical jargon when it comes to explaining myself and people initially misconstrue that as stupidity, which I completely understand! Also when I talk, with no exaggeration, I sound EXACTLY like Keanu Reeves so that's 20 strikes against me alone. So today as I was getting to know my team I got that same trepidation from them I ALWAYS get when meeting new people because they think I am in idiot.

Balding 30yr. old Man: How old are you!? (more as an accusation than a question)
RGB: I am 23, but I am almost 24...

I bring this on myself by not outwardly exuding the confidence I need to show in order for them to believe in my leadership. I am working on it! What I should have said to the fucker was, " I am 23. I graduated high school at 15 and university at 20. I could have finished in 2 years since I started University as a second semester sophomore, but I was too busy being a pro surfer and fucking my way through 5 continents and more countries than I can count." Fuck it! Tomorrow's a new day. If I have to pull out my cock and beat them with it to assert myself, I WILL! It just sucks working so hard to be good at a job I hate just because I can't figure out what it is that I really want to do with myself. Is this what it means to be a grown up?


Formysake said...

your life is almost too unbelievable to believe.

Jason said...

I am only ok with this just as long as it doesn't interfere with taco tuesday! If this messes with my cheap tacos and beer there will be blood!

RGB said...

"formysake" You think my life's unbelievable, you should meet my half leprechaun cousin and his pet unicorn!

Jason - Like I would EVER miss a taco tuesday! Buddy, you're crazy! Although tonight I think it's imperative I double up on the beer cuz I have a feeling today is going to be a long day.

Anonymous said...

Confidence is the key to any leadership position. You have a lot of experience managing people with your summer camps and you should adopt the same philosophy with this staff. It's much harder to regain control of a group if you never had control in the first place. Don't lose control now or you will never have it.

Trevor said...

You need to make one of them cry! It's the only way to get them to respect you. I would go after that prick that gave you a hard time yesterday. Make fun of his bald spot and call his mother and or girlfriend fat, then force him to do menial tasks the rest of the week just so he knows you can. That will make him think twice before messing with you!


Terry said...

The way you talk about the other programmers in your office you seem like you admire them as much as you despise them. Maybe they are picking up on how you think you are better than they are and this is why they don't like you. THis is an industry that thrives on innovation so you being young wouldn't be enough to make them automatically dislike you. There has to be more to this then you are saying.