Wednesday, November 18, 2009

some reflection


I have been feeling inadequate for quite some time now. This is to be expected because it always happens to me when I get a lot of time on my hands and I have absolutely nothing going on. I have way too much time to think about all those opportunities I rejected, and all that time I spent going down the wrong path. I start thinking about where I could be or where I SHOULD be, and then I compare it to where I am; then of course the feeling of inadequacy sets in and I am done. There's nothing more crushing than the burden of all that goddamn potential!

Usually when things get as stagnant as they have been, I meet up with a bunch of skaters and we shoot some footage that I edit and sell to different skater sites, or I head off to NYC for a month or two and take some time to figure out my next step. But this time the skating didn't really pan out and NYC wasn't an option (don't even get me started on the waves that have been as flat as a 10 yr old girl), and all this was only further exacerbated by that awful cuntrag I ran into at the beach a few weeks ago who informed me of my impending 10 year high school reunion, NOT TO MENTION my 24th birthday. And it all just became way too much for me to even deal with! I needed some kind of escape, a way to make myself feel like I was contributing something "grown-up", a way to make myself feel like I haven't just spent the last 10 years of my life with my thumb up my ass!

So when Mr. Tyler asked me to come to work for him I jumped at the chance to prove to myself that I could actually do it. I think I needed to see if I could actually succeed or if all my excuses were just a defense mechanism because deep down I knew that if I really tried I would fail. I got off to an extremely rocky start. That first week I was a mess and my team saw it, so I didn't really get the respect I was shooting for. But it was okay because I hadn't actually earned it yet. I spent all weekend getting organized and creating an outline that went into detail on what I expected from each person on my team, and on Monday I sat them all down in the conference room and I explained to them WITH CONFIDENCE exactly how I expect MY team to function. There was no room for arguments, and though they tried, I made the decision to make this work and there's no way in hell I am going to throw in the towel this early in the game.

Last week I was freaking out because I was sure I wasn't capable of taking this challenge. I wore my fear on my sleeve and everybody saw it. It took a couple of friends basically beating some sense into me to realize that I was fucking up big time and being extremely self destructive. I can't say that I am going to get through the next 5 months without having another freak out or ten, but I do know that next time I am not going to be so public about it and only freak out in my head. At least I don't have to wear a suit to work there's something about a tie that feels a little too much like a noose...

6 comments:

Mike said...

Dude, you're only kidding yourself. I hope you make it through the ordeal. Then after that be true to yourself. Whatever that maybe? Forget about the old self. Let the old self die. FUCK everybody else and your old expectations. Live true. It's the ONLY way someone with your talents can survive.

Anonymous said...

Feeling like a "grown-up" has nothing to do with taking a boring office job. You need a reality check and you need to grow up.

Trevor said...

You weren't cut out for life in an office. Don't try and make yourself something you aren't just because you think its what other people want. You have never lived your life according to others, you don't need to start now. I get the draw with doing something "normal" but we gave up on normalcy a long time ago!

Mind Of Mine said...

I made a post similiar to this.

''there is nothing more poisonous than someone elses expectations of you''

Jason said...

The next time you are on the verge of taking a 9 to 5 you should call me immediately and give me the chance to talk you down! Think about the next 6 months as penance for leaving Los Angeles for so long. Once its over you will be free to enjoy it like you used to.

RGB said...

I know I am being irrational with my taking this job. But I really did feel like I needed to give this the old college try before I completely shut the door on this. I am just going to ride this out and see where I am in 6 months. I don't think it's that weird or abnormal to just want to try things out and see what happens.