Thursday, December 10, 2009

Brother drama

I have been putting off writing this post for a couple weeks now, on the count of its serious subject matter. Usually I find writing these things down cathartic, but this time around it feels like pulling teeth and that's just not fun for anybody! I guess I should start off by saying this was all triggered by an old post I wrote on my old blog "The Underground Notes" and its also posted below just so you guys won't have to click a link to get to it. This old entry was probably written at one of the lowest points in my entire life and even now that I am in a completely different place mentally, it still affects me in a way that almost reduces me to tears every time I read it. Still I don't think I have ever received so much feedback over something I have written and even to this day I receive emails on this post and how it relates to the people who've read it, which is really kind of amazing when I stop to think about it. So obviously I have mixed feelings on this entry especially as it relates to recent events in my life.

Downward Spiral

My mother called me over to the house on Friday. Against my better judgment I decided that I should go. It did not go well. I feel like every time I start to feel good about myself, my mother comes along to remind me that I have absolutely nothing to feel good about.

I didn’t want to write about it here until I had a chance to talk about it with Eddie. I also had no desire to talk to Eddie about it right before our awesome snowboarding weekend. So I did my best to put a smile on my face and have a great time hanging out with my best friends and my man.

Eddie was asking me what was wrong while we were packing our stuff into the SUV before we even started our road trip! I hate the fact that he can read me so well. I was doing an excellent job smiling and cracking jokes, so I was more than mildly annoyed when the dude that I love figured me out. By the time Tyler and Josh showed up I was a mess! Complete with snot and tears. It was awful! Still I was determined to have an excellent weekend inspite of the drama that had occured a few hours earlier.

what happened...

I saw the preacher’s car in my mother’s driveway the second I turned onto the block. There were a few seconds where I debated turning around and getting the fuck out of there. I really didn’t need to listen to my mom and a hypocritical preacher tell me that I am going to hell! For some reason I still wanted to give my mother the benefit of the doubt and believe that she was there waiting for me to come in so she could tell me that she loves me and she always will.

Of course they weren’t there to support me. The moment I sat down they started to point out all of my flaws and how they had both seen this coming for awhile. At one point they started to get really mean, repeating how I was a sinner and how long ago I stopped being a worthwhile human being.

My mother looked and me and she told me how she was doing her best to love the sinner but hate the sin, but my unwillingness to change was making it really hard on her to love me. I did my best to sit there and take it. I honestly did. I bit my tongue, I squeezed my hands into tight fists, and I counted to 100. None of it worked, and before I knew it I was screaming at my mother and a holy man. I have never in my life been so blatantly disrespectful to an adult in my life, but I couldn’t help myself.

I stood up, and for a second, I was just going to walk out. Then my mom asked me if I was going to take off again. Just like I did when I moved out; abandoning my entire family and all of my responsibilities just to pursue a sin. I fucking snapped! How dare she try and lay a guilt trip on me after all of this bullshit that she’s put me through my entire life! How could I keep my mouth shut and let her walk all over me without saying anything to defend myself and how things really are!? I only have two speeds. Relaxed and fucking crazy. I went crazy.

It started off with me calling my mother sanctimonious because she had been married and divorced 3 times in the last 15 years but the only sin that she could identify is the one that I am committing. Then again, I called her a hypocrite because she was getting angry at me for abandoning my responsibilities, when clearly the kids weren’t taking care of themselves when she was out scouring the countryside in search of her next victim/husband! I have sacrificed my happiness, freedom and safety for my family because it was my place to do so. I wasn’t ever expecting to get a medal because I have bled for my family, but I did hope my family would give me the same respect and love that I have given to them. Then I told her this was the last time we were going to have this conversation. I can’t deal with becoming completely incapacitated every time my mother decides to tell me how and why I am going to burn in hell. I asked why she was doing this to me, but at that point she was crying too hard to answer me. I guess that I didn’t really need her to tell me that she was doing this because God hates fags.

So I left.

I didn’t have a good weekend. I drank too much. I was angry and snapped at everybody around me. Even when I was smiling and having a good time I found a way to ruin it and make everybody miserable. Nobody got mad at me though, everybody understood that I was going through something major. Of course, that only made me feel worse than I already did. So I took off on my own Saturday morning before everybody else woke up. By noon I was so messed up on a bunch of different pills and alcohol that I didn’t even realize I had lost my cell, my jacket and my wallet. My next clear memory was of Tyler crying as he helped me into the shower to wash all of the vomit off.

We were on our way home first thing in the morning. Eddie called my dad, and he was at the house by the time we got home. They think that I was trying to O.D. I can’t say for sure that at some point this didn’t become the objective. I only know that now that my head is clear, I don’t want to die. Everybody is in my house now. I can hear my aunts, my father, my friends and my boyfriend all talking about me in hushed voices. They are scared that I am going to do something like this again.

I have never felt as worthless as I do right now. There’s a room filled with people that care about me so much that they are all losing sleep trying to figure out how they can help me. For some reason that only makes me hurt more. It hurts so much and I don’t know what I can do to make it all go away.

During my birthday weekend extravaganza a few weeks ago, my buddy Trevor introduced my little brother to my blog. Of course my brother was instantly hooked on it and spent almost all his free time reading through my archives from the beginning. This obviously made me uncomfortable because he's my little brother and I prefer he see me a certain way and this blog doesn't always show me at my best. But short of deleting my entire blog and refusing to ever post again, there was no way from really stopping him from reading. A few days later is when he happened upon this post. He was upset. Actually, he was fucking furious and the shocking part was a little bit of that anger was directed at me!

My brother and I have very different ideas of the kind of relationship we should have with each other. As the older brother I feel like it's my job to protect him from all the bullshit and negativity I can, because life is hard enough without me adding my drama on top of his! He feels like he should know what's going on in my life as much as I know what's going on in his because it's his job to be there for me as much as I am there for him because he's my brother and he loves me. Sometimes I forget how mature he is and how he is actually equipped to handle a lot more than I give him credit for, but I stand behind not telling him about this incident because it happened when he was 12! Still my little bro huffed and puffed and pouted until I saw his point of view and promised to be more open with what's going on in my head.

The second part of the problem was a lot messier and not nearly as easy to deal with. I think my brother really felt my pain in a way that nobody but him could understand, and it hurt him as much as it hurt me when it happened. The thing about my brother is we cope in very different ways. I like to internalize everything and keep it bottled up way down until magically it all just goes away! My brother likes to do the exact opposite, and his way is probably a lot healthier but I just don't have it in me because it's also really draining!

I need to take a break from this. This shit is wearing me down like nobody's business. Sorry guys, more to come...


Chris said...

I had a few tears form from reading this. You would have to be dead inside for this not to effect you. Your brother is right about wanting to help you through the hard times and you should make an effort to let him in. People like you who hold everything inside need people who can get these things out of them.

Benjo said...

Reading that old blog post really stirred something inside of me, and I can understand your brother's point of view. I think he wants to let you know that it's OK to talk to him about emotional issues from NOW ON (I agree with you - 12 is not an appropriate age to discuss these things).
He also might be a little peeved that you shared your detailed thoughts with people on the internet before sharing them with him.

Anonymous said...

The first time I read that I cried. This is the second time and I cried again! This was so emotionally raw and painfully heartbreaking. How you got through something like that is beyond me. It is great you have a brother out there who wants to be there for you through it all. Don't push him away! You have no idea how lucky you are.

Jason said...

God damn you have no idea how many people have your back no matter what! I am one of them too and you need to stop forgetting these things. You're never alone because you have too many people in this world that rank you high on their things that matter list. I know you like to think about yourself as this lone wolf, but the reality is you are always going to be the guy that's surrounded by more love than he can take! You should get used to it and start taking advantage of it. Just so you know though, nobody can read this post and not get a little emotional over it. What happened to you was wrong and you are a stronger man than I am to be able to get through that.

Dean said...

After something like that all I want to do is give you a hug. This obviously effected you and the type of person you are today. You are truly a blessed man because of how you were able to overcome this kind of negativity and still emerge as such a positive person. You should be proud of yourself and extremely grateful for everybody in your life that has helped you along the way.

Gina said...

Internalizing things is not a good way to deal with your problems. It might seem like you are sparing yourself from a lot of unnecessary drama but you are also just causing yourself a lot of unnecessary harm. Use the people who care about you to lean on because that's what they are there for!

Anonymous said...

If I were you I would rename this entry. It doesn't seem like drama would be the right word for what happened here. This is more like concern or love, this isn't drama! IMHO I think that by calling it "drama" you are diminishing the reality of your situation and aren't really painting a very true picture of what is going on here.

Trevor said...

It must be the narcissist in me because for some reason I can't help but feel a little responsible for this whole mess. Oh well! I am glad things worked out as well as they did. Aren't you glad you have me in your life to mix things up every once in awhile!?

Mike said...

OMG your brother read you're blog. Trevor = bastard!! :)

As painful as it is now, in the end, you'll be free to be friends with your brother now.

However, sometimes it's hard to be friends with family, because they talk too freely to other family members and people who you are supposed to love.