Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Lies the valley told me.

See the problem with the valley is it's overflowing with one uppers! The conversation starts off with, "I don't like french fries", and then all of a sudden, "Oh yeah!? Well I hate the art of fellatio!" Then BAM! The valley has struck again. I have heard some grandiloquent claims in my day, but that shit just took the cake! This dude just said to me that he doesn't enjoy blowjobs! What is it with people from the valley and their need to claim the most improbable of scenarios as their own!? I know this one chick from the valley who swears she went to kindergarten with this girl whom the little mermaid character from the Disney movie was based on! And this other dude who swears he's been to an honest to god midget colony somewhere around Arcadia. Usually we just sit their and nod our heads politely as they tell their fantastical tales of hobbit communities and hybrid fish ginger kids who's parents were Disney execs, but just under the surface we know the truth... LIES! ALL LIES!

I get it! They are stuck out there in the middle of the stagnant heat. There's no breeze or large body of water for them to cool off and relax so they all become delusional from BOREDOM, highly toxic landfills & water treatment centers! But still when is the madness going to end!? When is enough actually ENOUGH!? I'll be the one to answer my own question thank you very much. It's when some crazy valley freak makes the bombastic claim to HATE oral sex just because he read it was cool to hate it in his favorite hipster Zine with "Architecture in Helsinki" on the cover!

As an extremely sexual man this offends my sensibilities, the very core of my BEING! I mean REALLY!? It's like 1/3 of what sex is all about and by crossing that whole category off the list it kind of ruins the best part of sex. It's time the valley freaks go back to trying to impress people with their pocket mulching and stupid facebook quizzes that test their knowledge as level 3 vegans and stop trying to deface the sanctity of oral pleasure! Midget communities only exist on The Wizard of Oz. The mermaid was based off that little book written by Hans Christian Andersen. AND EVERY MAN ON THE PLANET enjoys a nice hot, wet, and wild mouth on his COCK! So get over yourself with all your tall valley tales, cuz nobody believes any of them anyway!


Trevor said...

I could so totally one up this right now but I'm not going to because that's what you want me to do! I refuse to play your weak coastal games! All those years of sunscreen fumes have gone to your head if you think it's going to be that easy beach boy!

Anonymous said...

This made no sense to me at all.