Monday, December 14, 2009

Part 2

The crux of the drama centered around my mother and my sisters. It's been slow progress but I definitely feel like little by little they are opening up to the idea of having a couple of gays in the family. Through a combination of my patience and my brother's impatience, they have been gradually warming up to the fact that this isn't going away and they can't change it. Then I drop this bombshell on my little bro, also known as my blog, and my brother goes from being impatient with them to being DONE with them.

I know I have said that I could care less about a relationship with my mother and I still mean it, BUT it kills me that my little brother might be doing the same thing! Family is the most important thing in the world to me and I can't even deal with the idea that my brother might lose a part of his over me. We spent all night talking and crying, and arguing and crying some more. Outside of Bradley and maybe Tyler, Never in my life have I ever communicated so much of myself to another person in such a small period of time. It was quite possibly the most emotionally exhausting thing I have ever done EVER. In the end I definitely think we became a lot closer than we have ever been and it felt good thinking about my little brother as somebody who's there to look out for me like I do for him. We also decided that he wasn't going to read my blog anymore because we all need a little privacy and this is mine and he respects that.

Still he wasn't done. The thing about my brother is he's a spoiled rotten brat that doesn't really understand things like tact or respect for those who don't agree with him. He's the baby of the family and he's spent his whole life being taken care of by his 5 older siblings and dealing with 2 parents that have been worn down by the half dozen kids that came before him. Without my permission, he printed out that post from my blog and took it over to my mother's house. He read it to my mom and my sisters and in the process made them feel like absolute shit. Then he told them that if they ever did anything like this to him, or did anything that made him feel like less of a man than he is, he's not going to give them another chance to treat him like that again. He meant it and they knew it.

My sisters were calling me crying as they apologized to me for treating me the way the have been treating me and they all reaffirmed the fact that they loved me. I don't do well with emotions, both mine or other people's. They all make me feel extremely uncomfortable and all I want to do is find a dark hole and hide myself in it until people go back to acting like robots! After my 3 sisters that have been giving me a hard time called to apologize I was WAY PASSED my raw emotions threshold and I spent the next 2 days with my phone off getting wasted, skateboarding, and having a whole bunch of sex with my boyfriend; somehow hoping that this would all those icky feelings go away. The skateboarding and drinking helped, and the sex was great too, but even three weeks later I am still feeling a little burned out from all that BS.

I think I am broken because I am pretty sure I should be nothing but smiles after all this positivity and love and what not. But for some reason I have been feeling the need to be alone and I am feeling the opposite of happy. And if I am being honest here, I am almost dreading the idea of reconciliation with my family because that would mean I would have to spend more time with them which means more feelings and grossness I just don't want to be around for. Fucking hell! Now I feel like a total bastard for admitting that.


Mike said...

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries. Your brother should NEVER have shown your post to your family.

And while you've shared a lot with your brother, to remain an intense/good friend, he'll have to respect your boundaries.

I have a super religious Catholic family, and some of my brothers try to get closer to me, but I can't deal. I'm always setting boundaries. As much as I'd like to share more with them, I know they'll tell others in my family and it sucks. Or they don't support things that is dear to me, like my sexuality, career choice, constantly traveling, etc. And since I'm fine with my life, I don't to debate my life every time I see them.

Family is a very tricky thing. We're only related by DNA, but don't alway share values or beliefs, which makes it hard. If you get a family with shared beliefs (like Bradley's family) then it cool, but if you don't it's difficult.

Good Luck!!

Anonymous said...

In the immortal words of the Rolling Stones.

"You can't always get what you want And if you try sometime you find You get what you need"

Life never works out the way you think it will. I agree with Mike in your brother overstepping his boundaries, but things didn't work out too horribly did they? You are working through a lot right now and it sounds like you aren't very accustomed to dealing with so much. Take some more time to work through it and in the end you will be a better man for it!

Trevor said...

you need to not be so stoic. Get in touch with your feminine side. It completely helps when dealing with all those icky emotions! I am practically a girl and I have absolutely no problem dealing with feelings. So you know this is sound advice.

fuck, i'm gay said...

if there is one thing that i have learned about my almost-quarter-century-of-living has been that you don't have to like them, but inevitably, you will always love them.

take for example cough medicine. entirely gross (especially grape flavor), but when its in the body, it makes everything all better.

who knows, now that your family knows how you feel, then you can find reassurance that the bridge has been crossed and now there is only exploring and fun to be had.

good luck and keep us posted. thanks!!

Jason said...

Don't hate on yourself for this. You can't deal with heavy emotions, but you are always there for somebody when they need you. You are a good person and that's all that matters.