Rude awakening

In the midst of all the craziness going on, that is my life, I had the most traumatizing experience of my 23 years at the tailor’s yesterday morning! If I didn’t have enough stress worrying about packing up my apartment, getting everything out of storage in Brooklyn, planning for this stupid wedding, and work, I just got another revelation thrown in my face that I now need to deal with! I am a fucking fat ass!

Of course since the bride works in the fashion industry, standard tux rentals just weren’t going to fly at this event. I needed to get something custom made just for the fucking wedding. After a month of comparing and contrasting Stephanie had found the “perfect suit” for me and arranged for me to meet with the person who was going to make it happen. I think I was okay right up to the point when he pulled out the measuring tape. I knew I had put on a few pounds since January because no running or surfing makes RGB a chubby boy (not to mention my atrocious eating habits and my affinity for dark beer). When the guy told me I have a 33inch waist I practically started crying right then and there! The last time I had my measurements taken was in November and I had a 28 inch waist. I gained 5 inches in 5 months.

The phrase “downward spiral of despair” doesn’t even to begin to cover my mood. A large part of my self esteem is based on my body, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I now look the way I feel, but still I am a little surprised! Physical manifestations of emotional problems always suck because nobody likes getting reality rubbed in their face, but it always just seems a little bit worse when those manifestations are happening with me!

Last night I dreamed I was on, The Biggest Loser, and when I stepped on the scale all the other contestants started laughing at me! It was seriously intense and I totally freaked out, woke up, and couldn’t get anymore sleep after that. The last time I gained this much weight I had injured my back, but the second I was better I lost all the weight in just over a month with a crazy no fat, no carb, no taste diet and a workout regimen that would have made an Iron Man competitor cry. But this time around I am just not motivated to put that kind of effort into myself. I feel like maybe being in shape at this point in time might actually be more trouble than it’s worth. The last time I lost all the weight it didn’t really do anything to improve my mood and it wasn’t until months later that I actually felt better about myself.

My fat ass is only going to last until the second week of July, by then all the activity from surf camp and skate camp will have totally burned it away. Maybe in the meantime I can work on the other stuff that has been bothering me. Until then I am hoping this Biggest Loser nightmare doesn’t start happening on a regular basis. That would be bad.

And ya don't stop!

This has been one of the most hectic weeks of 2009! On Tuesday me and about 8 of my friends from NYC (who have never been to CA) flew to LA in hopes of me showing them the time of their lives with it all culminating at a weekend adventure at Coachella. I was especially excited for Coachella this year, not because of the line-up (which except for 8 or 9 exceptions was really quite underwhelming), but because this was going to be the first time in a while that I wasn’t actually at the event promoting the whole time!

Besides showing my NYC friends what Cali is all about and why it’s a BILLION times better than living in New York, I also had some business to take care of. I met with a few camp owners about a summer job in either LA or SD (I think I have it narrowed down to 2 camps and I am probably just going to split the difference and do them both!), I met with the guy that handles my money so we could finally get my taxes taken care of (My finances are sooo confusing and I have NO IDEA what’s going on with all that mess I just sign my name where he tells me and hope for the best), and I also had to get in touch with a moving company to grab all the boxes and furniture out of my house in SD in June when the lease is up.

So in between all that personal business I took my friends (along with Tyler, Jane and Johnny) kite surfing, sailing (to Catalina), skin diving, tidepooling, and dining at all my favorite restaurants (Like Brix @ 1601, r+d kitchen, and Typhoon [despite the insect menu its quite good!}). My poor friends couldn’t hang and by Thursday they were all sunburned and completely exhausted from all the warm weather and leisure activities! People from the East Coast are WEAK!

Thursday night we left for Palm Springs and checked into our hotel. I called up a couple of friends and found out where the parties were at, but my wimpy friends were still too tired to party, so me Tyler, Jane & Johnny decided to go and have fun without them. I don’t remember the night as clearly as I think I should, but I have a good feeling that fun was had by all in attendance…

Friday was a good day. I met up with a friend and scored us all some VIP passes and compound that with the mild (for indio) weather, it was perfection! I am not really that big of a Paul McCartney fan, but it was a lot of fun singing along with “Back in the USSR”. My friends really seemed to be enjoying all the crazy celebrities that were hiding out in the VIP section, but I am all about the music and spent most of my time running from stage to stage. At night after the day’s performances were over, I was pretty beat so we went back to the hotel and ordered a buttload of food and spent the next few hours eating and watching Slumdog Millionaire. I had never seen that movie and I really enjoyed it, plus the guy that wins all that money was really cute and I enjoyed watching him.

Saturday was FUCKING HOT! My poor friends were melting in the song and they totally couldn’t hang. Most of them went back to the hotel by 8 and they totally missed out on all kinds of awesomeness. I would have to say that with all the great music I heard on Saturday (and there was a lot of great music!) my favorite moment was running into David Hasselhoff! Jane and I were leaving the VIP area on our way to catch TV on the Radio and THERE HE WAS! DAVID FUCKING HASSELHOFF! The dude looked AWFUL! I mean he was sooo scary looking the phrase “Tranny hot mess” comes to mind… But he was also super nice and a lot of fun to talk to! He was with a lady friend who seemed nice enough and I totally got to shake the Hoff’s hand when we parted ways! He even called Jane, “darling” which made me chuckle heartily for a plethora of reasons that would only make sense after a half hour of explanation that I just don’t have the time for right now!

Unfortunately we had to bail on Sunday because my friends had to fly back to NYC. It was alright though because I wasn’t really too excited with the line-up for the last day. After we dropped my friends off at the airport, me and my local homies decided we needed some alcohol, with a side of lunch. By 4 everybody was passed out at the house except for me. So I decided to go for a walk and I ended up at my favorite beachfront Starbucks. I hung out there sipping my iced apple chai concoction and drawing in my sketchbook until the sun came down. There was also a texting incident that left me feeling like a jackass but that’s just going to be a story that has to be told on a future post.

My crazy whirlwind LA trip ended with me being shaken awake by Mrs. Tyler @ 6:30am to let me know I had to get going if I was going to make my 8am flight back to NYC. Which really caught me off guard because I was almost positive that I was flying home @ 10am. Of course she was right and I was wrong, and I BARELY made my flight back to NYC! Now I am off to work until midnight. Life’s just nonstop for me cuz I'm awesome! 

Song of the minute

3oh3 |MTV Music

A couple months ago I FINALLY got this song out of my head, but now its all over the place again! It's never going to go away! I find myself increasingly embarassed when I catch myself singing, "Shush girl, Shut your lips! Do the Hellen Keller, and dance with your hips!" as I am walking down the streets of NYC. Call me crazy, but something about the phrasing seems rather uncouth... 

I do realize that my last entry was me kind of being a little nuts. Thanks for all the nice responses. As always I do appreciate all the nice emails, just give me awhile to get back to you guys because responding back to emails is more painful to me than explaining sinusoidal waves to a 4th grader. Because the easiest way to break it down is by explaining that a cosine wave is said to be "sinusoidal", because cos(x) = sin(x + π / 2), which is also a sine wave with a phase-shift of π/2. Now try writing a personal email to somebody you've never met! It gets A LOT more complicated than math!

Indecision

If this past 10 days has taught me anything, its that I SUCK at life and I fail as a rational human being! I wish some of the people that read my blog could see me on an average day here in my life. I am a much stronger and confident man than I think I come off as on this blog. Out in the world when people see me, they would never imagine the self-doubt and FEAR that I express all the time here when I write. The image that I project outwardly for others is very important to me and an integral part of who I am as a person. So every time I post something that contradicts that outward image I am trying to project (read, EVERY TIME I POST SOMETHING.) I find myself in conflict over whether I should actually do it. 

Bradley knocked on my door exactly 10 days ago, early Friday morning. I opened my door and when I saw him I was so happy I jumped directly into his arms wrapping myself around him as tight as I possibly could. I have missed him so much I was starting to think that maybe I should go and see a doctor about it for some heavy meds. But then there he was, and there I was, and we were together, and I was better. I have no idea how long we stood there hugging. Neither of us said anything, I think we both realized nothing good could come from speaking so as long as this embrace was happening things could be perfect. 

Eventually we let go of each other and we walked over to the couch and sat down. After a few awkward moments of silence we started talking and we didn’t stop until we looked at the window and noticed it was night. The day had went by so fast that the second I’d realized it was over I started panicking over the fact that this was all over. I wanted him to stay, and he clearly didn’t want to go. What we had here was a disaster in the making. 

He stayed. Saturday was even better than Friday. Shane (Bradley’s brother) started calling A LOT Friday evening, but we didn’t need a reality check from him or anybody. I texted Shane to let him know Bradley was in fact still with me and then we shut off our phones. Sunday morning was when things started to shift. The reality of him going back to SD for his last quarter of school was starting to sink in. I knew the question was coming from the first moment when I opened the door, and as much as I wanted it to, my answer never changed. The things that were wrong with our relationship when we broke up were still very wrong and I would be a fool to walk right back into the same minefield I left. 

This euphoria that we had been feeling over the last couple days was wearing off fast because reality’s a bitch, and the more you try to push it back the greater the force is going to be when it snaps back! God damn did it snap! There was screaming. Lots of screaming. Accusations flying left and right. Crying. Still through all the unpleasantness all I wanted to do was go back to SD with Bradley and do our best to make things as they used to be. I was scared that I might actually give into this sad fantasy where everything could be good again, so I asked him to leave. There was a lot more screaming before he actually did go, and when it was over, IT WAS OVER. 

The week that followed was kind of a blur. I haven’t left my place much or had contact with the outside world. All hundred hours of my unwatched Tivo’d programming is no longer unwatched. Kyle and I finished our project a few weeks ago so I didn’t have to worry about getting up to deal with him, but I had taken on more hours at my other job. After Wednesday I’d called in every favor I had and I finally had to go into work on Thursday. If it weren’t for work I think I would still have been a complete wreck. Because of the nature of this other job, I got perspective on life relatively quick. 

My relationship with Bradley feels exactly like this song. The saddest thing is if he were to knock on my door right now, I would jump right into his arms and do it all over again. How fucking sad is that!?