Wednesday, January 13, 2010

self-pity party!

I have been listening to a whole lot of Say Anything lately. I swear, me and Max Bemis would have so much fun terrorizing the town it's not even funny! They would make after school specials warning all the other kids of such deviant behavior and our story would be told over and over each time growing more and more fantastic with each retelling until we became legends!

This month I said goodbye to two of the most important men in my life, my best friend and my boyfriend. Tyler is moving to Chicago for his Master's degree and I am freaking out a whole lot without my partner in crime. But compounding my heartache is my fucking boyfriend shipping off across the ocean to one of Europe's most distinguished learning institutions! I am trying to not make a big deal out of this. I haven't lost my best friend, he's just going to school in a different state. I haven't broken up with the love of my life, he just prefers to live in a different fucking continent than I do!

Tyler's been gone a week and I am already flying up to see him this Friday for the long holiday weekend. Before Tyler left we threw one of the biggest parties of our lives that culminated in a lost bet and crazy shenanigans in freezing cold water on a beach with no sand, just really sharp and jagged rocks! In the morning Tyler was so hungover he almost missed his flight, and we only had time for a brief hug and a good solid chest bump before he took off. LA hasn't been the same since he left and if it weren't for the fact that I am flying up to see him in 2 days, I would very likely be in the deepest funk of my life thinking about life without my number one homie.

Before Brad left we spent some serious time in bed before he put a ring on my finger. I was LIVID! Who the fuck did he think he was, thinking I was going to be okay with a FUCKING RING ON MY FUCKING FINGER!? I think my thoughts were written all over my face because Brad started explaining what it was all about real quick. First he started off by explaining that if 2009 taught him anything it was that if he liked it then he better put a ring on it. So I punched him as hard as I could in the arm and gave him one more chance to save himself from being murdered in my bed! So he began again but this time he was way serious. He started by bringing up how we never really talked about what was going to happen with our relationship while he was abroad. He swore to me that he had no expectations of any kind where "WE" were concerned, except that I keep him with me always and love him as much as he loves me. This ring wasn't his way of marking his territory with me, but just a reminder that he belonged to me and this is his way of acknowledging that this time apart isn't going to be easy.

The thing about me is when the emotions start to flare up I begin to shut down. It doesn't matter if these emotions are good or bad, they just have to be strong, and I am instantly rendered a cylon. Brad knew exactly how to approach this in a way that I could handle, which is NO EASY TASK; I am 12 kinds of crazy and not even apologizing for it! If that's not love then I honestly don't know what is. I will wait for him as long as it takes without breaking a sweat because this man is willing to jump through hoops just so he can find a way to tell me he loves me without me freaking out about it. I am a hard person to love, so of course I am going to hold onto him through this no matter what, because what are the chances anybody else out there is going to be willing to put up with all my shit!?

I know that I still have a million friends all around me, but for some reason I am feeling crazy lonely! Like all the people that matter in my life are off having adventures while I sit at home and slave away in an office. It feels awkward being on this end of a goodbye. I am usually the one taking off on some kind of adventure, it's like karma came after me with a vengeance! Like I said before, I am trying to not get too down about this because NOTHING has ended! There's just a little more distance between me and the people I love than I am used to.


Anonymous said...

are you engaged?

RGB said...

not engaged!

Mind Of Mine said...

I know how you feel man, I just left the best group of friends In Manchester so I can do, well I am not sure why but it is heart-wrenching.