Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I made a friend.

A couple weeks ago I decided I only needed to work a half day because I wanted to pick up a couple of parts for my vintage motor vehicle. I went down to San Pedro to this place that carries specialized parts that I needed, and on my way I passed by this martial arts gym with THE HOTTEST GUY I HAVE EVER SEEN hitting the heavy bag with some pretty impressive moves. Seriously, I almost crashed my car drooling over this guy! It was FREEZING outside, but in this gym it must have been hot because he was only wearing shorts and the sweat was just glistening all over his perfectly sculpted body. I immediately pulled my car over, cutting through 2 lanes of traffic in the process, just so I could walk into the gym and perve over this guy while taking my time.

Up close he was even hotter! I think I have said it a million times, I have no respect for "gym bodies", I like it when a man's body is a reflection of what he's passionate about; running, surfing, martial arts, cycling, etc. Gym bodies are all about vanity and that really just rubs me the wrong way! ANYWAY, back to this guy, and his muscles, and his glistening sweaty body, GOD DAMN I WANTED TO JUST LICK HIM HEAD TO TOE! After about 5 minutes of staring he stopped, smiled at me, and asked me if there was anything he could help me with. Of course asking him to keep doing what he was doing while I masturbated was out of the question, so I casually explained to him that I have always been fascinated with Muay Thay and I was really impressed with his form (which wasn't exactly a lie). An hour later (with his shirt off the entire time) I learned that his name was Ted, and he had the full history of my martial arts background and invited me to a couple of the classes at his gym.

As work has been winding down I have been spending more and more time at the gym to fill those lonely hours, so Ted and I have become fast friends. We've gone surfing, done some downhill mountain biking in OC, and we even had this awesome night of bar trivia over the weekend. It's not sexual or anything, because even though he's hot, he's not Bradley; besides I am pretty sure he's all about the kitty if his girlfriend of 10 years is any indication. What I am trying to work my way up to in this post is that I have finally come to the point that every gay man happens to find himself at when he's getting acquainted with new people, and that's the when and how to come out problem. On the few occasions we have found ourselves on the topic of significant others I have always found a way to strategically remain genderless and vague yet still express how I am in a deeply committed relationship with somebody that I love very much.

At this point I kind of feel like I am the one with the problem here. It's like even though I am okay with being gay, I am not okay with people looking at me differently because of this fact. Ted's a cool guy and I am probably doing him a huge disservice by not being honest and giving him the chance to be okay with it, but I feel like I have been burned too many times to really want to put myself out there like that. But in the end I think it's just all an excuse because I am really not all that comfortable with my sexuality yet. I sometimes wonder if this feeling of dread and despair ever goes away or if this is just a huge insecurity I am going to live with the rest of my life because I am weak. I shouldn't feel like telling somebody that I am gay is the equivalent to walking the plank, but the fact that I do makes me feel deeply ashamed. Am I being too hard on myself, or is this normal? I am kind of going crazy over this because each time when confronted with these situations I always have to deal with this crazy anxiety! I NEED TO KNOW! Does this ever go away?

18 comments:

Trevor said...

You're not weak or ashamed or anything like that! You have a genuine fear of something very real and it's society's fault not yours. Its truly disgusting that any of us are made to feel this way, but it isn't your fault for feeling this way!

Anonymous said...

You shouldn't be too hard on yourself over this anxiety you are feeling. This is something we all go through and it's a shame that any of us have to feel this way. You can be the most confident person on the planet and still feel anxiety over coming out to somebody new because you have no control over how they are going to react. You should be proud of how you are at least putting yourself out there. It's a lot more than what others in your situation would be doing.

Jackdaw said...

First of all, I have a lot of respect for you for just going there and start a conversation with him in the first place. I could never have done that.

Secondly,I'm not sure if that anxiety will go away. What I do know is that you only worry as long as you haven't told it, and that the longer you wait the more you worry... And as you have probably already found out: nice people don't care whom you have sex with.

anthony said...

You are over thinking this. Just let it out like ripping off a bandaid. it's either going to work out or it isn't. but if it doesn't don't beat yourself up about it. it's going to be teds problem not yours.

Jason said...

It looks like my point of view has been said to death here, but I feel like I should just add my voice to the choir. You are going to give yourself a complex thinking the way you do. There's nothing shameful about being a little reticent over sharing your sexuality with a new person.

wordage said...

It's normal. There's nothing wrong with wanting people to get to know you for who you are before coming out to them. I'm over 40 and I still sometimes get the anxiety, but you've just got to go for it and tell them when the subject of partners comes up. Like you say, most of the time you're doing someone a disservice by thinking they'll react badly. The more times you find people are cool with it, the easier it gets.

Mike said...

someone has a man crush. it NEVER gets easier. about 75% of my friends are str8 guys. and its always tough. plus i travel a lot - two most recent trips antarctica and cuba. each time, i hangout with a bunch of str8 single guys. most of the time i don't disclose my sexuality. it's not worth it. generally i have an intense couple of weeks with my new found friends, and possibly see them a few time after returning from travel, but that's about it.... granted I should be a bit more open, but unfortunately I'm not.

I'm out to everybody else (family, old friends, work), but I always find it hard to come out to new friends, especially if they are all straight males.

Anonymous said...

Interesting, being "Hot" must be a prerequisite to become friends with RGB.

RGB said...

I was born and raised in LA. As much as I try not to, I can't help but be a little shallow...

Besides, when's the last time you walked up to a fat ugly person and asked them to be your friend because even though you knew nothing about them you were positive they had an amazing personality?

Trevor said...

"anonymous" you have no idea what you are talking about! RGB doesn't choose his friends by how attractive they are, he chooses them by what kind of people they are on the inside. Does he have more attractive friends than an average person? Yes he does! But you also have to realize that this is largely because he was a professional athlete and TV personality, and good looking ppl are a byproduct of the industry.

Obviously you are a fat ugly loser and a more than a little bitter about your life as an introverted virgin shut-in. Maybe if you were a little less judgmental and douchey you might actually be able to make a couple of friends of your own!

RGB said...

Trevor I didn't need you defending me, but thanks. anonymous, we are all shallow, and we all want to surround ourselves with people that are both attractive and worthwhile as human beings. A lot of my friends are attractive and I am not going to apologize for that, but at the same time I don't really think I choose my friends based on how good looking they are. I met Ted because he was hot, this much is true. But I didn't become his friend because he was attractive, I became his friend because we have a lot of things in common and I enjoy his company. I don't really see what the issue is here.

Nate said...

In both of your responses you sound like a shallow loser. Not all people worry about what their friends look like and some of us really do get to know each other for reasons other than our looks. get a life!

Mike said...

@Nate - I don't know RBG personally, but my sense is that he's an extremely talented, intelligent, creative individual with a lot of issues, mostly his expectations of who "wanted" to be growing up doesn't exactly match who he is, but his friendships seem to be unequivocally sincere. He seems like someone who'd do anything for his friends ("hot" or not), and VISE-VERSA. His friends appear to be his peeps.

Rick (was the anonymous) said...

One day I realized my circle of friends were all very similar in viewpoints, opinions, and even looks and came to the conclusion that I was leading a very narrow existence. In order to add some variety to my life, I started getting to know people first, before becoming or not becoming friends and certainly not based on looks or first impressions. I am very happy with the circle of friends I now have because they give me a variety of viewpoints, new activities, thoughtful discussions and insight I would never have considered. They are not all cookie cutter friends. Some of my old friends have adopted my new ones, Some old friends drifted away. but, I am very grateful for the ones I have, even if some are challenged in the looks department.

Since I was the anonymous who started this string, I thought I would try to explain my first comment. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

From your writings, it seems like you are little lost and don't know where to take your life. Maybe it would help by bringing some different people into your life that don't share the same "look" as you now have (like Trevor).

Speaking of Trevor, and probably to his dismay, people have told my I am a Hottie and I know my partner of 7 years is extremely hot, is passionate, is adoring and brilliant (a PHD Research Scientist at UCLA). Not the loser Trevor thought.

Rick

PS: Nate, Too Harsh - Lighten Up

Trevor said...

@Slick Rick, your original comment doesn't really sync up with your follow up. But I just wanted to take a second to debunk your latest comment. You're wrong and you're an asshole! Second taken!

Even as you were trying to make amends by explaining what you meant originally you somehow managed to come off even more condescending, self-righteous and douchey than your first comment. RGB may still be figuring out who he is and what he wants to become, but what normal 24 year old doesn't!? He's constantly out there experiencing life, trying out new things, and meeting new people. You have no right to marginalize him based on a couple of posts you may have read on his blog.

Besides, where are you even getting this idea that RGB only hangs with models? Besides Bradley, Tyler (MY GOD IS THIS MAN GORGEOUS! Think Josh Wald they could be twins. Also I can't ever remember RGB even mentioning Tyler's looks on this blog) Who else are all these gorgeous men that RGB is always talking about?

Jason said...

As somebody who's known RGB for years (and is much more mature than Trevor) I think it's important to weigh in here. Out of all the flaws RGB has, choosing friends based on their looks or having friends that are all the same aren't among them. He thrives in diversity, and opens himself up to all sorts of people all shapes and sizes.

Rick, whether you meant it or not, your words were mean and way off base. Contrary to RGB's words, he could care less what a person looks like and that's the truth.

RGB said...

I had to google this Josh Wald character to see who he was, but OMFG! It's Tyler's freakin doppelganger! It's crazy weird how they look exactly like each other. Why was I not aware of this before reading my comments? I feel like this is something that should have been brought to my attention years ago!

Mike said...

Dang! I just goggled Josh Wald. RGB you've been holding out on us!!! Damn you! :) Like it matters, right?