Thursday, March 25, 2010

I made a scene...

I have a lot of anger in me. I spend a large chunk of my daily life forcing a smile that I plaster across my face to throw people off. For the most part 99% of the people around me have no idea how angry I ALWAYS am. When I was a boy dealing with family violence, this man once told me if I smiled when I was sad I would always feel a little better. He also told me people would like me more if I was happy, even if I was faking it. Smiling never made me feel better, but it did get me more friends. So I began to care a lot about what people thought of me. It's why I work so hard at maintaining this generic effervescence I have spent a lifetime perfecting.

The problem is it doesn't work on everybody. The longer a person knows me and the closer they get to me, the easier it is for them to see right through me. It's the reason why I keep most people an arm's length away. I don't like it when people actually get passed all of my strategically placed emotional barriers. It's like they have caught me with my pants down. Except I am actually quite comfortable with my pants down so maybe that's a bad analogy... The thing is I prefer people to assume my entire life is, and always will be, sunshine and daisies. It's a sick compulsion that I am doing my best to rid myself of, but find myself failing miserably at every corner.

Monday I was having lunch with my new buddy Ted. We were laughing and joking around @ fatburger when in walks my ex-stepdad. I was in his face before I even had the chance to process what was going on. When it comes to this man, I just can't seem to control myself. When I was a child I saw him as this unstoppable force of nature capable of destruction beyond my comprehension. Nobody in the history of my life has ever been able to make me feel as small and insignificant as this man has. When I see him now, I see him for what he really is. Not some superhuman juggernaut, but a weak cowardly man scared of his own shadow. It makes me sick that I was actually afraid of him and I let him rob me of my masculinity when clearly he never had any of his own!

I wasn't planning on beating the crap out of him, we were in a restaurant after all; but I did feel the need to put a little fear in him. Then a couple dozen teenagers walked into the restaurant in the asshole's wake. Turns out my favorite wife beating, child abusing, meth addict is now a youth minister for a major local church. With this week being spring break, he's taken this opportunity to run a day camp so all these teens can get their daily dose of Jesus. Even I was able to see that a confrontation in this scenario would be in very poor taste, so I changed tactics. From the time the asshole walked in, to the time I realized that beating the shit out of him was a bad idea, I'd say about 20 seconds had gone by. Up until this point, unless you'd seen the mood I was in right before he walked in, it didn't seem out of place or abnormal in the slightest. So I still totally had a chance to walk away without making a scene. Unfortunately once I've been riled up, I don't really know how to wind myself down. I needed to get some kind of resolution or it was very likely I would have exploded.

This is when I remembered the teens the asshole was in charge of all crowded together in one large group. I walked right up to them and I said, "Excuse me guys, can I have your attention real quick? My name's RGB and I just wanted to let all of you know a little something about the asshole (I used his actual name with the teens, I didn't want to come off like an overly bitter ass so I even used his honorific "pastor" but for my purposes here, he's just "the asshole"). He abuses women and children with extreme physical violence and he's a meth addict." I lifted up my arm and pointed to my scar and I told them how he'd burned the skin off my arm with a frying pan after I tried to stop him from punching my pregnant mother in the face, which he ended up doing anyway. I told the teens that if I were them I wouldn't want to be learning anything Christian from a person like this and I would call my parents and ask them to pick me up immediately.

Then I walked back to my table and sat down with Ted, who was quite understandably, speechless. I had just made a relatively large scene in a very small space, so EVERYBODY there was aware of my zany shenanigans. You could hear the proverbial pin hitting the ground it was so quiet. I wasn't embarrassed at all though. I was actually quite pleased with myself in a deeply perverse and semi-disturbing way. Right around that point was when the defecation hit the oscillation. A lot of things happened all at once. A few of the kids actually pulled out their cell phones to call their parents because of what I said. Some of them were looking to the asshole to give him a chance to explain himself. And then there were the other youth leaders that were there. They walked over to me and started harassing me because they felt what I did was highly inappropriate and uncalled for. I knew what I'd done wasn't exactly appropriate, but I felt like under the circumstances I'd actually shown a whole lot of restraint. So when they accused me of being innapropriate, I just countered with, "so is beating a pregnant woman and having an addiction to methamphetamines. But that didn't seem to stop him.". Saying things like that really throws pious douche bags off balance, so I took their silence as my cue to leave.

I was riding a wave of euphoria all the way to the parking lot. That's when I realized that Ted was my ride! When we got in the car I tried pretending that what had just happened hadn't actually happened. It didn't work. So I changed tactics and tried to brush it off with a couple of jokes that were in extremely bad taste. Also didn't work. So I then tried to play it off like it wasn't really that big of a deal. FAIL! So I did what I do, and I got angry. I told him to fuck off, and when we got to a red light I got out of the car and just ran off in the other direction. And that was the end of that. Because I totally know how to be mature and handle my business like a grown up.

I don't really know what to do next. Obviously I am embarrassed over the way I acted, but only because it was in front of a friend not because what I did was douchey and wrong. I am not really sure what the protocol is here for this kind of situation, if only I had remembered to ask Ted to put his ear muffs on before I began my tirade then all of this comfortableness could have been avoided. You know what they say about hindsight...

14 comments:

Denis said...

Don't feel so guilty, it came from your heart and it was his bad karma.

John said...

People, Christians specifically, need to be shocked into reality sometimes. What you did took balls and it was the right thing to do. I could never have done something like that. My hat's off to you.

TL said...

You don't say how Ted was reacting to the scene. Was he handling it badly or was it that you couldn't make it disappear?

Trevor said...

That bastard got what was coming to him. Don't feel bad for doing what you needed to do. This man deserves way worse than what you did to him! I know how you get when you think you've blown your cover, but its not the end of the world. The only person who cares about your facade is you. The sooner you realize that the easier life will be on you.

Anonymous said...

obviously this person has caused you a lot of pain but there's a time and a place to act out and this wasn't it. what you did was tantamount to the despicable behavior you claim this man is responsible for. i hope traumatizing all those teens was enough for your super ego, because opportunities like that just don't fall from trees. disgusting!

Bruce said...

Anonymous above is dead wrong. The teens need to know who this "Pastor" is and what he's done, as do their parents. You handled the situation better than most people would have by not beating the crap out of him. You do however, owe Ted an apology for your behavior after the incident and an explanation for you reaction. He should be understanding of the situtation after hearing the entire story. Best of luck with it.

Mike said...

Just call Ted. It'll be alright. Maybe.

Mike said...

Oh. And when you call him. Pretend like nothing happened.

RGB said...

Ted wasn't mad at me or anything, I just didn't want to talk about it and he didn't want to let it go. I am not sure if this is a situation that warrants an apology anyway. I gave it a few days then went back to pretending like it didn't happen. There are some things guys just don't talk about, and this would be one of them. We are cool now and by him not bringing it up he's letting me know that we're on the same page.

hey anonymous, go fuck yourself! ;)

Mind Of Mine said...

Wow!

I never ever thought that I could be proud of someone who is essentially a stranger too me.

If they turn your story in movie, this will be the resolution ending right before the relection epilogue.

I think Ted needs some back story so he can understand what exactly happened and why.

anthony said...

I agree with anonymous. This wasn't the appropriate time for a confrontation. You need to learn how to get better control over your impulses and not indulge your every whim. If this man is now a youth minister it is probably because he's doing his best to change the type of person he was but you doing what you did is going to set him back. Doesn't he at least deserve the chance to try and be a better man?

Jason said...

RGB doesn't owe this man anything and has no reason to ever treat him any other way than how he does! I can accept that maybe this ASSHOLE might be trying to turn his life around and be a better person. But that means he needs to learn how to live with the consequences of his actions. RGB is a consequence and has no obligation to change just because this asshole thinks he wants to be a better person.

RGB is a strong, noble, caring and generous man who's done so much for others that he deserves to act out against people who've wronged him without self-righteous pricks like you putting him down. I could go on for days recounting the things he's done just since January, but RGB would probably kick my ass! Suffice to say, anthony, you have no idea what you are talking about. The fact that you are sympathizing with such a low life piece of shit speaks volumes about yourself.

Mike said...

@ anthony: Anyone who is a youth minister is a sumbag, period. Most minsters, priests and preachers are losers. They are after power, money or sex, period. Being a youth minister does not imply one is progressing with a thoughtful, meaningful life. It implies one is becoming a fearful, hate monger, who is unable to think for themselves.

Bold oy! said...

I think it is despicable and disgusting to be rude under the cover of anonymity.
But Mike: your generalizations are way off the mark.
RGB, you did what you did - kudos!