Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sick days

Usually when I end up in the hospital, it’s my own fault. It is not uncommon for the doctor to tell me I’ve broken, torn, dislocated or ripped something and am in need of stitches/x-rays/casts/MRI’s/etc. I am usually okay with these kind of trips to the hospital because I earned these injuries by being awesome and even though I was in pain, I was in control of how it happened so there was nothing to be frustrated or feel helpless about. That’s in sharp contrast to when I get sick, which always turns into a big production with me because of my shitty ass lungs!

When I was an infant I got a really bad case of pneumonia and I almost died. After spending over a month in the hospital I was finally cleared to go home, but the pneumonia had done permanent damage to my lungs and it’s effected me a lot the first 10 years of my life then it just went away. That’s when I started playing sports and going crazy with every single outdoor activity my parents would let me take part in. The year I turned 10 was big for me. It was the first time I went surfing, the first time I strapped on a pair of hockey skates, the first time I climbed a mountain, the first time I rode my bike to the beach without using my inhaler once. For 7 years I was on top of the world and never once did I get a single ashtma attack or come down with pneumonia.

Then it all started again. It never got as bad as it did when I was a kid, but it’s never been like it was for that short time when I totally forgot that I actually had a defective body. This last case of pneumonia and subsequent asthma attacks were a total flashback to the early days in the life of RGB. There was a moment when I was surrounded by a whole team of doctors as they were trying to stabilize my oxygen levels and failing miserably where I actually thought I was going to die. I felt (and still do) so betrayed by my own body that I became completely and irrationally disgusted with myself.

So much of my self esteem is tied into my physical ability that I don’t even know who I am (or what I will do) if I can’t be the man that I was. I feel so weak and feeble that I actually disgust myself thinking too much about it. I can’t even go a day without my inhaler or 2 days without having to pull out my fucking nebulizer. This is so fucking depressing to me that I have literally broken down in tears during my treatments on multiple occasions. I can’t stand having people around me right now because this isn’t me! I am not supposed to be this weak and pathetic! I am a trained deadly fighter, a pro athlete, and an ivy league graduate, but I can’t even walk myself to the fucking living room without 12 people tripping over themselves to make sure I don’t over exert myself and die of hypoxia in the hallway. This is embarrassing.

Bradley is still pretty pissed at me, but you wouldn’t know it because he drives over 100 miles on an almost daily basis to be with me anyway. I am acting like such a prick to him but I just can’t seem to stop myself. I hate letting him see me like this. Last night I stayed up all night with Tyler talking about this very issue I am having with Bradley, and we both came to the same conclusion. I am fucked in the head and I really need stop acting like a rotten spoiled 5 year old brat. I really need to get my shit together and be a man. I will just add that to my things to do list right behind "buy new lungs on black market".

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whether or not your days as a super athlete are over does not matter. You still have a lot of other things going for you. You are highly intelligent, a very talented artist and people seem to gravitate around you. You have so many other qualitites in your self you can take pride in. All you need to do is learn how to appreciate these other things in yourself that make you great.

TL said...

Why did it go away at 10? Why did it come back now? If you could be well for years you can be well again. Consider looking beyond standard western medicine solutions. Glyconutrients might make a big difference.

John said...

You are not gonna be able to move on from this unless you are able to accept the changes your body is going through. As we get older all of us have to accept the inevitable fact that our bodies won't ever be the way they were as teenagers. It's a hard pill to swallow, but a reality we all have to face at some point. You need to take solace in the idea that you are so much more than your athletic prowess and you are still young and can make a full recovery from all this nonsense and go back to how you were a few years ago. Keep your head up and stay positive. I am sure good things will happen for you if you do!

Breathturn said...

I so know what you mean. As a child, I suffered repeated surgery for sinus infections and even now, thirty years later, I still overreact to strong smells. The stronger the smell, the more it smells like ether, and I am right back to being ten again.
Please know that you are an amazing writer. I don't comment often enough, but I read as often as I can and I love the way you use words...so personal and so precise. You amaze me.

Mike said...

If you do get a lung transplant, what will you do with the old lungs? Any thoughts?

RGB said...

I have actually given this some serious thought because this is not the first time somebody has asked me this! I would totally try and get it plastinated and build this AWESOME glass case and light it from the bottom, then display it in my trophy room!