Monday, October 11, 2010

just a few thoughts...

The news lately has been extremely depressing for me. All these gay teens committing suicide because of how they've been mistreated so badly, it breaks my heart. I will never understand the need to hurt and belittle a person because of their sexuality. I will never understand how what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms deserves such extreme scrutiny from "right thinking Americans" all over this great country. I will never understand how loving somebody can cause so much hate.

My brother and I have been spending a lot of time talking about what's going on in this country and how all this anti-gay nonsense affects us and how we view ourselves. It's hard to believe that with all the love we have and see and experience on a daily basis, there are people all around us that just don't. My brother is AMAZING in his ability to cope with all the negativity around him and find a way to come out of it all unscathed. I admire his strength as he deals with our crazy ass family, his teammates at school, and all the pricks out there in the ether that think they have a say in the way we live our lives. He makes me want to be a better and stronger person just so I can keep up with him and still be the big brother he can look up to.

The news has even began to have an effect on my mother who's been making it a point to tell me how much she loves and appreciates me despite how she may have felt in the past. It's nice to hear, but it's actually also really hard to hear because of how little it does for me. I closed myself off to her a long time ago and no matter what I do I just can't find my way back to accepting her into my life. I am pretty sure I am broken in a way that I won't ever be able to fix. But I do my best to fake all those feelings as well as I can for her sake. Even if I can't accept her love, it doesn't mean that I don't love her and I want her to be sad because of me. I am gay and now everybody knows it. I guess the hardest thing to reconcile with myself now, is how underwhelming all this actually is to me.

Not that things are horrible! On the contrary I think I am doing pretty well, all things considered. I have been in a relationship with the man of my dreams for years now. I have friends that I love as much as my own blood. I am finally on the road to discovering the man I will one day become. And I can finally look in the mirror and appreciate what I see, flaws and all.

Coming out is this continuous process that for me, started when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I remember it like it was yesterday because it was actually quite a shock for me since I have this amazing ability to lie to myself like nobody's business. I was a senior in high school, my math tutor was a sophomore in college. Looking back on it now, I was totally flirting with him from the moment I first laid eyes on him. I am shocked he held out as long as he did! 2 months after our first tutoring session, I was in his room commenting on his abs when he kissed me. It was the single most exhilarating and terrifying thing I had ever done in my life up to that point. Keeping in mind that I spent my days surfing 15ft waves, riding dirt bikes off ramps into foam pits, and having sex in VERY public places. But this single kiss was all it took to blow all that shit out of the water. Because that kiss redefined who I was and how I saw myself forever.

It's taken me 10 years to get to this point, but I now stand before this world as a PROUD out gay man. I look back on the road I took to get here and how hard I made things for myself, and it's almost laughable. But the most important thing is that I got here, and I am a better man for it! There were a quite few times when I seriously considered suicide. There was actually this special cliff by my house I used to get really drunk and stand at the edge of, crying and screaming out at the ocean thinking about how I could just make it all go away if I were to just take one step forward. But for some reason I never did take that step and I am so happy and thankful that I didn't! My life isn't perfect, and it's nowhere near easy, but I am so grateful for every moment I get to live it.

If you, or somebody you know is struggling with being gay, please know that it does get better! You are not alone and there are people out there who want to help you and make sure you KNOW that tomorrow can and will be better than today. You don't have to go through this alone, if you don't feel like there's somebody in your life you can trust, email me Fukgnar@gmail.com. Or call the trevor project @ (866) 488-7386. I used to work for a hotline similar to this EVERY person there cares deeply about what you are going through. You just have to put yourself out there and be brave enough to make that first step.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was a fine piece of writing you achieved here. You have a gift with words. I am glad you continue to write on your blog it is always an honor to read what you have to say.

Mike said...

cool brother!

Jason said...

This country sucks right now. But at least people aren't ignoring it anymore. You are a good friend, a good brother, and a great man. You do so much for others and you never ask for anything in return or even brag about all that you do for others. Your modesty and your ability to care and love others are what make you so special.

Kevin said...

Thank you for writing RGB! i don't think you realize how amazing and inspirational you are. and i'm glad you don't realize it. please keep up the great writing!

Alex said...

I don't usually comment on other's blogs, but this post was powerful and an honor to read. The struggles you went through and lots of others went through are something we should all talk about. This isn't something that should be stigmatized or avoided, and you took a brave step in sharing this with us, your readers. So thank you. I thoroughly enjoy your blog and how you choose to share so much of yourself with us.