But I’m too tough for him.
I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you
…
There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
But I’m too clever to let him out
At night sometimes when everybody’s asleep
I say, I know you’re there, so don’t be sad.
Then I put him back,
But he’s singing a little in there,
I haven’t quite let him die
And we sleep together like that
With our secret pact
And it’s nice enough to make a man weep.
But I don’t weep,
Do you?
Charles Bukowski
In my eyes, my dad could kick the shit out of batman and steal James Bond’s girlfriend right off his arm all in the same breath. If I am brutally honest with myself, I can admit that my dad's opinion of me means more than the air I breath. I have never done things the way he wanted me to, but I have always done them in a way he could still be proud. Because even though I would NEVER admit this to him, I want to be just like him when I grow up.
In December I flew into LA for a couple days because my sister (my dad and stepmother’s daughter) was having this HUGE party for this massive award she'd won. She’s a senior in HS and an even bigger over achiever than I ever was! Growing up, she and I have never been particularly close, mostly because of her mother (my stepmother) wanting to rip my eyes out and my father taking her side. But in the last few years my sister and I been able to grow closer and connect after my dad decided to finally become human and let me see my sister.
The thing that I have come to realize is, even though my dad has allowed me to see my sister, he’s never really let me back into his family. Walk into his house and the proof is in every direction you could look. Family pictures, school pictures, family trinkets, search as hard as you want; in my father’s house, I do no exist. Even after we reconciled that never changed and I did my best to pretend I didn’t notice.
Right now my dad and I aren’t on speaking terms. It has nothing to do with the gay thing, and everything to do with everything else, but for my sister I showed up because she asked me to be there. I walked into my father’s house for my sister’s celebration and gave her the biggest hug a big brother ever gave because I was proud of her. I shook my dad’s hand, and I even gave a small wave to my stepmom before she disappeared into the crowd.
I hadn’t brought anybody with me and I was immediately uncomfortable in my isolation. I haven’t been a part of this family for over 12 years and everything about it was completely foreign to me. This is when people started walking up to me and introducing themselves.
“Hi we’re Mr. & Mrs. WASP! How are you!?”
“Hello, I’m RGB. I am doing well, how about yourselves?”
“Good, good! How do you know the family?”
“The host of the party of there; My dad.”
“He has a son!?”
I had that conversation 3 times with different people before I was practically in tears. I guess the thing that hurt the most was remembering all the times he told me how proud he was of me over the last few years, and the realization that he’d never meant it. I don’t know why I cared so much. My dad always says all the right things to me to make me believe in him, and he always lets me down. Every time he does I am always completely shocked.
I don’t know why I have such a hard time excepting that I am just his dirty little secret. His pubescent indiscretion that ruined the rest of his life. I can't ever be anything else to him. I really need to stop lying to myself and think things can be any different than how they are now. Why do I have to look up to my dad so much!? Why couldn’t he just hate me for being gay like my mom does? It would make things so much easier on me. Then I wouldn’t have to live with this reality, that there’s just something inherently wrong with me.
6 comments:
I am crying. This is not the way I wanted to end my night.
It's hard to quantify another person's feelings from 3rd parties. Just because your dad's friends weren't aware of you doesn't mean your father isn't proud of you. You have accomplished so much as a person, any parent would be proud of you.
These are feelings you need to share with your father. You have expectations and it's important he knows what they are if you ever hope to feel better about this. You don't need to forgive him but he does need to know where you are coming from if you want things to get better.
I feel for you RGB. Also have an Asian father but he's the opposite...tells everyone else, including strangers he just met, how proud he is of me but he has never complimented me on anything. if anything, he is extra critical. I know he loves me and I also wanna be just like him, but we have never ever shared a single emotional moment.
I don't know why we always strive for certain peoples' acceptance or praise. There's nothing inherently wrong with either of us.
Were you aware that Charles Bukowski is a local South Bay writer? He's from San Pedro and from what you write about I have gathered that's your neck of the woods. Just thought that was a fun fact you might want to know about.
Were you aware that Charles Bukowski is a local South Bay writer? He's from San Pedro and from what you write about I have gathered that's your neck of the woods. Just thought that was a fun fact you might want to know about.
Dude, I hope someday you'll become a father. A father in a white dominated world. I wish this because fathers don't know shit. As a father and son, I say this. Fathers believe it's masculine to reproduce (as I did) , and then what?
Everything will be cool? Every kid will be exactly like they imagine? Every child will worship them as the coolest person on earth? Because they believe they are the coolest person on earth? Yes, and no.
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