Monday, March 21, 2011

In SD for awhile

I shot a music video in San Diego almost two weeks ago. Obviously I stayed with Brad during the production, but after I was done I found myself not wanting to leave. Then Brad asked me to stay and it was all the reason I needed not to go. I miss living with Bradley so much that being around him THIS much literally makes my heart ache!

Being home with Bradley has been so easy! I don’t even know any other way to explain it. Everything just fell into place so perfectly. We wake up in the morning and go to the gym. Then we come home and eat breakfast together. Bradley goes off to class and I spend my morning editing and working on fx. He comes home around 3 and we spend the rest of the day doing our “homework” and distracting each other until it’s time for bed, then he goes to sleep and I stress out over work for a few more hours. It’s so perfect that I never want to leave.

I currently have about 7 projects that I am working on simultaneously, and I ABSOLUTELY HATE WORKING ON EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM! Every time I even think about what I am doing I just want to kick the shit out of myself for being such a fucking loser/sellout! Without Brad keeping me sane and making this BULLSHIT tolerable I have no idea what I would do.

Lately I just feel so defeated dealing with all these businesses and advertising firms! I work so hard to make something tasteful and interesting and then they shit all over it with loud ugly nonsense AND IT DRIVES ME NUTS! Re-shoots, new animations, logos spinning in the wrong direction, clouds not fluffy enough, not enough gaudy flashing epileptic crap flashing all over, FUCKING MOTHER FUCKER GODMAN SHIT!! AHHHHHH!!! Little by little, it’s all slowly driving me insane.

My agent says I am feeling frustrated because I haven’t really set any clear career goals for myself. If I have something to work towards, it makes doing all this bullshit to get there a lot more tolerable. The idea of a future in Hollywood makes me sick to my stomach! I am just doing this to pay some bills and then I want out! I love film too much to ever really want to truly be a part of it; I hate actors too much to ever want to ruin my love of film.

I guess that the most frustrating thing of all is how easily I can make this whole nightmare go away. All I would have to do is call my dad and ask him to take care of it, and he would. I could go back to leisurely working on my art and designing surfboards and skateboards and just having a gay old time all day. But I am too proud to ever do a thing like that, so instead I suffer. I beat my head against the wall and I miss the love of my life because I am 100 miles away doing something I hate.

It’s time for a change! I just need to figure out how exactly I am going to do it…


Jade said...

You're right not to take money from your family. That's the easy way out and you want to be independent. Who knows what your father would even want from you for doing you a favor like this. I think you are just feeling like you are too good for the work you are doing and that's what is making you miserable. There are a lot of talented people out there and they all had to pay their dues. You haven't been in this business very long either. Just keep your head down and keep working hard and I am sure you will start getting a better selection to pick from. Just stick with it!

Mind Of Mine said...

You two sound so cute, I am a little envious.

Anonymous said...

If your dad's willing to help you out you should let him. You are stressing yourself out over nothing and it's killing you. You're a simple guy with simple needs and if there's a way out of this hectic world of yours you owe it to yourself to take it.

John said...

I respect what you are doing trying to take care of this huge debt on your own. But its still important to ask for help when you need it. Killing yourself to pay medical bills seems very ironic. Even though it would be a super hipster way to die, is that really how you want to go out buddy?

Mike said...

hhaha you're such an artist at heart.