Thursday, March 03, 2011

Relationship stuff

Brad and I have never really had a normal relationship. From the first day we met we began living under the same roof, and for the next two years that’s exactly how it continued! The day I chose to move out, I basically felt like I had to learn how to survive on my own all over again. Going to the grocery store became a mess because Brad always made the shopping lists. Fuck shopping!! I couldn’t even cook anymore because Brad was my prep chef preparing all my meats and vegetables! And sleep, forget about it! My bed became the loneliest place on the planet and to this day I spend half the night just staring at the ceiling unable to fall asleep without Brad wrapping his arms around me.

Writing these things down, I cannot believe how codependent I have become! But it gets even worse! Even when we were broken up, for the longest 4 months of my life, we still spoke on the phone almost daily. No matter what is going on in either of our lives we always make time to call each other. Something we also do almost daily (this next part I have been told is really weird and I should probably see a professional about it, but I HONESTLY feel like if this is strange to anybody they are the ones that have an issue because they are most likely dead inside!) is video chat. At first we talk about our days and what’s been going on, but then we just leave it on and go about doing our work, watch TV, do laundry, we even have friends come over expecting to see us on the computer screen. I have no idea how people survived long term relationships before high speed internet!

Brad is in a 5 year program to get his Bachelor’s and Master’s degree. If everything goes as planned, he will be done in a year and a half. The thing is life is already getting in the way of this 5 year plan! There’s some VERY SERIOUS talk of Brad being a real contender for the 2012 Olympics, which of course would mean time off from school. I don’t know if I can be away from him that long. He says the same, but I tell him we need to be strong and soldier through this. Everyday I think about packing up my stuff and moving back down to San Diego to be with Bradley. There’s nothing going on in my professional life that I wouldn’t give up in a second, to be with Brad. But I don’t! Because I hate the idea of being THAT guy! The needy clingy loser that couldn’t even take care of himself for a short time, while the man he loves took care of himself like he should be doing!

I am hopeless when it comes to Brad. And he’s hopeless when it comes to me. In most ways just knowing that he feels the same way I do, makes all this pain and longing from being apart, a little more bearable. But it’s also really scary that he would even consider giving up some of the opportunities he has before him just to be with me! The idea of me holding him back from his full potential kind of makes me feel like somebody ripped my heart out of my chest and showed it to me. It’s times like this that I wish we were both a couple of underachieving losers who couldn’t figure out a way to get our acts together. We could spend our lives in a dirty studio apartment somewhere in the valley living off our parents money and getting really really fat!! We would be poor and miserable, but we’d still have each other. Oh man, that would be perfection…

6 comments:

drew said...

You are just too cute.

Mike said...

Video chat LTR are extremely common these day. I have friends who have been together ten years. Two years ago one of them accepted an overseas assignment in Pakistan (he need to take the assignment because of future career opportunities), the other still lives in DC. Ever weekend they spend together on video chat. Their TV's are synced. They record their favorites shows during the week, and watch the shows on weekends. It take some coordination because of the time difference, but it almost 12 hours difference, so as one is going to bed the other is waking up. One eats dinner in front of the screen, the other has breakfast. If the friend in DC is having a gather at the house, the other is on screen during the gather. No need to have your head examined.

Eric said...

No matter what you two choose, when it's all said and done you will still be in love. The way I see it you have 2 options. You can live in the moment and be with Bradley now. Or you can plan for your future and work hard now but be really lonely in the meantime. Whatever you decide keep in mind there are no wrong answers!

Anonymous said...

You should watch this movie with Drew berrymore and Justin Long where they do the whole long distance thing! I recently watched it and then I read this post and it reminded me of the movie all over again. It has a happy ending and I think you will like it.

RGB said...

Dew, Yes I am just too cute!

Mike, I KNEW I wasn't crazy or weird! Thanks for the validation!

Eric, knowing me I will find some kind of option that's neither here nor there cuz I always HAVE to be different!

Anonymous, I have seen that movie because I have a thing for Justin Long! ANd in this situation I am Justin Long and Bradley would definitely be Drew Barrymore. Because I am the one who hate's his job and wants to change professions!

Mind Of Mine said...

I too have felt the pain of a long distance relationship. I remember I used to look forward to calling him but then feeling so melancholy because it was just never enough. Speaking to him just made me want to have him in my arms at that very moment. But not speaking to him was out of the question. It was a double edged sword.