Friday, June 10, 2011

My little brother

I have 2 little brothers. One is my youngest brother and he’s the baby of the family. He and I are pretty much attached at the hip because we are so much alike. We surf together, we draw and paint together, and we have even been known to check out guys together. But being so similar to me also means he has a lot of the same flaws that I do. He’s loud, cocky and sometimes he can be a little insensitive to how he affects the people around him. He’s a HUGE slut and he will stick his dick in anybody who will let him. He struggles with boundaries and he NEVER knows when enough is enough! And the biggest problem is that, a lot like me, he gets away with it all because that’s just the kind of guys we are!

Even though my youngest brother and I are so close and SO SIMILAR, doesn’t mean that I don’t love my other brother just as much. He had a really hard last couple years. He spent a lot of time struggling with a way to be his own man with everybody around him telling him he wasn’t good enough. He had two brothers that the world always compared him to and he always seemed to be lacking in the eyes of “the world”. It wasn’t fair! Everybody always seemed to overlook all the things that made his brothers fucking awful.

He might not have been able to ace every test and join every after school club or sport. But he was an amazing person all the same! He had the common sense and common decency that his two brothers will never know. He was the most sensitive and caring man, always willing to go out of his way to help out the people in his life. He was funny and intelligent in a way that most people were never really able to appreciate.

These last couple of years he really lost his way. He started doing drugs and getting into trouble with the law. In rehab he figured out that he had a lot of resentment for his two brothers and how everybody always wanted him to be just like them. But still he was never really able to quite figure out how in so many ways, he was already a better man than his brothers could ever hope to be. Still when he came out of it, he was able to build a relationship with them in a way that he’d never been able to do before.

The road to recovery was a slow and painful process, and along the way there were more than a couple of setbacks. BUT he always was sincere in wanting to change and get better, so his brothers were always there to make sure that he got back on the right path. The last 6 months things have been going so well for him! He got into a very prestigious college to study music, and he was really coming out of his shell and becoming the man his brothers always knew he could be. They were so proud of him and really admired his strength and determination to make these changes.

On my 20th 2011 my brother overdosed and died, he was 17 years old. I have spent the last few weeks being angry and sad then angry all over again. I am pissed at my mother for being a raging Christian bitch! I am mad at myself for being so far away and not being there as much as a brother should. I am also so overwhelmingly sad and I just miss him so much. I will never get to see the man that he could have been and all the ways he would have changed and shaped the world around him. I love him so much. I have never experienced this level of hurt. Its been 21 days and I still can’t imagine my life without him in it. I just want to freeze this moment in time so I will never have to figure this out.


Mike said...

wow. so, so sorry to hear that. my thoughts are with you and your family. be good to yourself.

Anonymous said...

i'm really sorry to hear that

as a younger brother, i know that older brothers do and always will care, even when they doesn't show it all the time. they can sense it, and i'm sure he sensed it from you.

take good care of yourself <3

Mind Of Mine said...

I can't begin to describe how sorry I am four loss. I have a very similiar dynamic with my brother. Both me and my brother are gay. We are also best friends, but we also have an older brother and I love him just the same.

You and your family are in my thoughts are with your family during this difficult

Kevin said...

I'm so sorry RGB. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I hope things get better.

John said...
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John said...

This is truly sad and my heart goes out to you. Through your blog I feel like I have gotten to know you. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. I know you are going to find a way to work through this and to also find a way to honor your brother's memory at the same time. In the meantime feeling the pain is all a part of healing. Stay strong.

Jason said...

Your brother was an amazing person same as you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I will always be there for you if you need me. I love you man.

Bold oy! said...

Dear RGB, that is so hard. I feel with you.

Trevor said...

Your brother was a great kid. It's all about how you choose to honor his memory now. Every brother should be so lucky as your brother was to have somebody like you in his life to carry on his memory.