Thursday, October 13, 2011

The thing about Eddie...

Eddie was my first love. I met him 16 years ago in middle school in art class. From the moment I saw him I was in awe! Aside from being the most creative and talented artist I have ever met in real life, he just always seemed so cool and aloof (that’s a horrible word for what I am trying to describe, but it’s the only one I can think of right now!). All through school we were never particularly close because we had a VERY VERY different set of friends, but I have always had a whole lot of respect and admiration for him because he’s just that awesome!

It took 11 years for me to finally make the first move on him. And after that it took less than a week to know that I had fallen hopelessly in love with him. He came back into my life in a time where everything seemed to be falling apart. He taught me to love myself and he showed me that it was possible to be gay and be happy. We had a year and a half of absolute bliss together, then I broke his heart. I was 20 and I had finally accepted that I was gay I wanted to go out into the world and be gay and do gay things and I couldn’t do that with Eddie. But even more than that I realized that I thought of him as my mentor more than I did as my partner. I have spent my entire life looking up to him and learning from him; being gay was just something else he taught me how to do really well.

Even after I ended things he loved me enough to let me go and he became one of my best friends. I whored around for a year and I even told him about some of my more unbelievable and exciting exploits, and he listened. Then I met Bradley. My love came a lot more gradually this time, but when it did the first thing I thought was how I could never explain this to Eddie. Even though neither of us had ever said it out loud, we both thought that after I got all this out of my system I would come back to him.

Obviously I eventually bit the bullet and told him. As I did I actually got to watch his heart breaking as I stupidly tried to gently explain that I was in love with somebody else. That was almost 5 years ago. It took him a long time before he started to put himself out there again. When he did, it was never anything serious. Then six months ago he met this guy. By the third date I could tell that things were different with this one.

At first I was relieved that he’d finally moved on and this was his chance to be happy again! He really deserves happiness because he’s the most amazing guy ever! Then out of nowhere I started to feel these mild pangs of jealousy. Eventually I really started to dislike this guy that was stealing Eddie from me, and these feelings really started to confuse and upset me. Intellectually I knew that this was a good thing because not only did Eddie deserve to be happy, but also I had no desire to be in a relationship with him, so there’s no reason to be jealous! But emotionally I AM JEALOUS!

Everything about this guy pisses me off! From his overly macho cocky ex-marine attitude to his stupid snarky sense of humor, all I ever want to do is pick the hugest fight with him and then knock him out! It’s really hard to hate this guy too. He has a great personality, he makes an effort to be friendly with me (even though I can see that it kills him to do so) because he knows how important I am to Eddie, and most importantly he makes Eddie happy. How can I hate anybody that makes Eddie as happy as I know he deserves to be!?

But still, I AM JEALOUS!!! What the fuck is wrong with me!?

6 comments:

Tommy said...

What you are feeling is natural. I bet money it's exactly how Eddie feels about Bradley too. Now you know how it feels to be on the other side. Take this experience, learn from it, and be happy for Eddie. He's been there for you it would be cool if you could do the same.

Mind Of Mine said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Really, I think all parties involved here understand exactly what is going on.

Trevor said...

As always you are over thinking this bud. This is how it's always going to be when it comes to Eddie. When it comes to loving somebody, what you are feeling now is the cost of doing business. How you are feeling now is exactly how Eddie has been feeling for the last 4 years. Maybe you guys can finally talk about it and then put it behind you.

Anonymous said...

You are being selfish. You want your ex to sit around pining for you the rest of his life so you can keep him as a spare just in case things don't work out with brad. That's cruel and you need to move on and leave Eddie alone.

Jason said...

SO you're a little jealous, get over it! Well Eddie sure does have a type doesn't he!? From the couple of times I met him I gathered that you and the "ex-marine" are like the same person. You should be flattered and eventually you two could even be friends!

Besides, it could be worse... You might find out he has a bigger dick than you do! ;)

Mike said...

Let your artist spirt RULE!!