Bonding time...

Last night Brad was feeling depressed and overwhelmed with being injured. This one injury is affecting his future in so many different ways and he can’t stop thinking about all of the possibilities that have just disappeared into the ether because of it. These are feelings that I can relate to so much that I can’t help but hurt for him because I know that I’ve felt almost everything he’s going through. We stayed up all night and talked, cried, and held each other. It’s so hard to see him like this. All I want to do is make everything better even though I know I can’t. The irrational part of me feels so helpless, but the rational part of me knows that being there for him is not only the ONLY thing I can do for him, BUT the BEST I can do to help him.

When the sun comes up I just can’t sleep; it doesn’t matter how tired I am, I just can’t do it! So I left Brad sleeping in bed while I went downstairs to make myself a large cup of Earl Grey. Brad’s mom was in the kitchen already with her pot of coffee brewing. She looked as tired as I felt and I knew that she hadn’t slept much at all that night either. I am really frustrated with the fact that I can’t figure her out! But she finally is starting to look like she might be ready to share whatever it is that’s going on in her head. So I let her know that Brad’s going to be out cold for at least the next 3 hours and I would really appreciate it if she bought me breakfast.

Brad’s mom and I never really had a lot of bonding time like I have with the rest of his family. It’s not that we don’t like each other; it’s actually quite the opposite! It’s just that up until now she’s just been so busy with work, or taking care of her sick daughter that we’ve never really had an opportunity for some one on one time. I felt like the majority of what she knew about me had come from Brad, his siblings or even her husband. I couldn’t help but feel a little suspicious that a large reason for her visit was to give me a thorough once over.

The second we got into the car she began to talk. It took her the entire trip to the restaurant, our meal, and our trip back to the house to say everything she had to say! A few times she got really emotional as she was sharing, which of course got me all emotional and it took everything I had to not start crying in public with her. It was a lot to take in, and to be honest I am still processing most of it.

Of course she had Bradley on her mind. Before Brad’s mom began, and every few minutes during her 3 hour dialogue she would stop and let me know that if I think she’s overstepping I should feel free to stop her. Of course I would never do that, but at least I was able to process that she'd be overstepping at some point! She told me how she always knew Brad was different from her other children from the moment she first held him. He’s way more sensitive than he will ever admit, he’s stoic to the point of it almost being mistaken as coldness, and he is just so brave. Brad told his mom he was gay when he was 13, but having raised two boys before him she’d already known for years. Her only big worry is how hard Bradley is on himself, which is actually a HUGE worry for her.

Brad doesn’t take failure well at all because he seldom ever fails. He put his entire life on hold so he could pursue a goal that he can now no longer achieve; obviously he’s not doing so great right now. But the thing that really surprised me was how much better she felt brad was coping with this disappointment than she thought he was capable of. She attributed his positivity and progress to me, which made me blush. The only thing she felt like she could compare this level of loss with was when Brad and I broke up for 6 terrible months.

I remember how that entire time I just never felt right because a piece of me was missing. It’s strange how just the memory of those events makes my heart ache all over again. Bradley has basically told me this was the most difficult time in his life too, but hearing it from somebody else makes me feel like a terrible and immature person for not staying and trying to work things out when clearly we were meant to be together through all of this anyway!

By the time she finished I didn’t feel like I was being judged anymore. I actually felt refreshed, renewed, and confident in myself and what I contribute to my relationship with Brad. All she wanted to do was thank me for the honor of watching her son become a man and let me know that I was the catalyst for his transformation. Yeah it was strange and a little bit too emotion-y for my taste, but it felt good to hear none the less.

I spent the rest of the day taking care of Brad and thinking about everything I had learned. He and I have been through so much together, and now we are stronger as a couple than we have ever been! Brad and I are about to go through a lot of changes. We’re moving, he’s got a long road to recovery, and he’s starting his grad program in January. I guess that now more than ever I want him to know that I intend to spend the rest of my life with him. Laying next to me at my right, this is my future husband and partner everything. I feel like when I inform him of these things, he's just going to roll his eyes and tell me he's been waiting a very long time for me to get here with him.