Thursday, February 02, 2012

Just bitching a little


I have a pretty terrible reputation in the industry for being flighty, unavailable, difficult, and arrogant. But that’s just mostly because I despise what I do, and it has very little to do with my ego. I have always relied on the fact that I am extremely talented, creative, and charming to get work when I want it and to be left alone when I didn’t. The cool thing is I am just talented enough to get away with a lot more than your average Joe Blow with a bullshit film school degree but that’s also the problem. I know I’m good, they know I’m good, they know that I know that they know how good I really am; this kind of thinking seriously fucks with my moral compass and social conscience.

Years ago, when I first decided to work in film, I signed on with one of the biggest agencies in Hollywood for my representation. For a really long time I wore that as some kind of badge of honor. I kind of felt like everything in the industry would always be this easy for me whenever I decided I wanted it. When I was 19 I made a documentary that did well in some festivals and I painted some things that hung in famous galleries; SO FUCKING WHAT!? Its 7 years later and what the shit have I done since to deserve this cocky arrogance, open disdain, and bad attitude I project onto everybody!? I have no fucking clue how anybody puts up with my shit because if I had to deal with me, I would kick my own ass.

I feel like my biggest problem is my lack of growth as an artist. As a teenager I had this cool, unique and edgie point of view. I am no longer a teenager, my worldview has definitely changed a whole lot, but my art is still exactly the same! And that drives me fucking nuts! I am disgusted with everything I create so much that I can’t even deal with it. But it doesn’t even matter because I still have people kissing my ass and offering me buckets of money for more! And this is where the vicious cycle of loathing and self-hate begins…

I am starting to realize that the more time I spend in this industry, the less I like myself. I absolutely hate what my creative process has become. I HATE the way I have come to think about everything I do in terms of marketability. I feel like some kind of Art Center sellout and I just feel so dirty!

I am currently packing up all my shit and getting ready for my flight tomorrow morning. I am going to NY to attend this show where a few of my pieces are on display. They’re all going to sell, and I am going to hate myself even more. Then I am going to go home and be a grumpy asshole for a hot minute until Brad can pull me out of it with his kisses and hugs.

It’s time to shake things up a whole lot and see what happens…

10 comments:

D. said...

just be happy... or at least content! do you know how many people would kill to have your life right now? a lot.

frank said...

malcontent. I love it! THe best we can do in life is what makes you happy. Your talent is a gift and you need to honor it by following your inspiration. Maybe it is time for a change and I am excited to hear about your next adventure.

Trevor said...

As somebody who has been your biggest fan since you were my camp counselor when I was 15, I can tell you right now you are as gifted and talented as they come. As an artist and a filmmaker I strive to be as much like you as I can. But a large part of your gift comes from this internal struggle you have with somebody forcing your to conform and your inability to do so.

You haven't compromised yourself as much as you think you have because every time I see something you've done I still get that sense of awe and wonderment. You see things like nobody else does and you bring it to life in a way that only you could. I think you are more talented than Eddie ever was or could be, and if you let yourself you could have everything you never knew you always wanted.

RGB said...

@ D - easier said than done. My natural state is to be the biggest misanthrope west of the Mississippi (i really need to learn geography because I have no idea which side of the Mississippi I am on now...)

@ frank - see comment above.

@ Trevor - that was so sweet I think I am going to be sick! But seriously, you're one of my favorite people on the planet and it means a lot to read this. But even more seriously it's taking all of my strength & will power to not delete your comment because for some reason it makes me really uncomfortable...

Anonymous said...

First class!? That's fancy. I've never flown first myself, but I hear good things. You have a lot going for you and you are very young. Those two things seldom mesh well. Don't do anything too drastic, it's quite possible you will change your mind very soon and end up feeling very different about these things.

Jason said...

Say what you want about Art Center, but you can't deny their results. The select few who get gifted with their knowledge go on to conquer the world. There's nothing wrong with thinking of art in terms of marketability. In a consumer driven culture where everybody looks at everything in terms of monetary value, creating in terms of "what sells" is the ultimate form of self expression.

RGB said...

@ Anon - I am of two minds with your comment. I want to simultaneously scream obscenities at you while punching you in the face AND thank your for your very good advice and acknowledge that what you are saying made good sense.

@ Jason - You're such a troll and I hate you! I was just about to go to sleep and I get this bullshit in my inbox! I hope you choke on a dick.

John said...

You get everything handed to you on a silver platter and all you do is bitch. D had it right, you need to learn to be happy with what you have everybody else on the planet would kill to be in your shoes. Make a movie, paint a masterpiece, surf the biggest wave in the world, write a computer program that changes everything, for you the sky is literally the limit. You're young, you obviously have a very magnetic personality, and you're highly intelligent, you should be ruling the world not bitching about it.

Anonymous said...

You fly around the world, first class. You have people kissing you ass and throwing money at you. what am I missing here? What could possibly be so awful to have you hate it as much as you do? You must have to work very hard to be this miserable.

Mike said...

RGB - I'd love to read your bitchy commenters' comments, but I'm busy. Can I ignore them later?