Monday, March 05, 2012


So my gallery show in NYC went exactly how I thought it would. 8 pieces in this collaborative show; 6 sold the first night and the other 2 sold the following night. I am so miserable and full of contempt for anything and everything I have tried to do in the last few years and it’s actually starting to really make me depressed. In all honesty, I know there is so much in my life I should appreciate more than I do. I have achieved so much that I should be proud of, but I am not. My career should make me happy, but it doesn’t. I want to find a way to FORCE myself to at least recognize how far I have come, but I can’t.

I know exactly what is bothering me. 10 years ago I was beginning my career as a professional athlete. I remember training for months to get my body into perfect shape, then hitting the waves for hours and hours until my body felt like jello. I gave surfing my all, then competition time would roll around and I would finish eighth, or fifth, or even third, but NEVER first! Almost immediately surfing stopped being about me enjoying myself and became this impossible adversary I needed to DEFEAT!

Surfing isn’t something you can conquer. It’s something you spend your entire life having an amazing love affair with. You practice, you appreciate and you honor surfing for the art that it is; it’s beautiful and it’s a gift that not many people on this planet can truly appreciate. I failed as a professional athlete because I couldn’t cope with not always being the best. I couldn’t rap my head around giving 110% and not coming out on top. 10 years later and I can finally see how stupid I was way back when it mattered, and I can’t help but have one of those “if I only knew then what I know now” moments…

I wish I could blame my failed athletic career on my dual goal of pursuing an education at an Ivy League university, or on my sexuality, but deep down I know that’s just not the truth. The truth is I wasn’t mature enough as a man, or skilled enough as an athlete to succeed. I wasn’t enough. I am an artist because I couldn’t cut it as a surfer. I am a director because I failed as an athlete. I am a programmer, because I couldn’t be the best at what I truly loved. All these achievements just twist the knife a little more because they are all reminders that I am a failure.

I am set for the year; financially that is. I need to take some time to recalibrate and figure my shit out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Recalibrate. I love it!

These regrets you have about missed opportunities, that's life. It didn't work out for you but now you are exactly where you want be. Think about that and stop living in the past