Monday, May 11, 2020

I don't know

I think I'm depressed but I have been struggling with actually feeling anything at all so I'm not sure. Over the last couple months I have been struggling with interacting with anyone I know personally. I only respond to texts when somebody threatens to break my door down to check if I'm alive, otherwise (until last night) I haven't socialized with anybody outside of the grocery store.

My aunt had a stroke last week and my first thought was, "Thank god there's a pandemic going on and I don't have to be surrounded by all those people." Intellectually I know I should feel bad for thinking this, but I don't. I'm super tired all the time, but I seldom sleep. I go for runs like 3 times a day and I skateboard for hours at a time. I've lost so much weight that I don't own anything that fits me anymore.

But I honestly don't feel sad. I just don't feel anything at all. I looked in the mirror for the first time in months. I didn't recognize myself. It was strange. I came home last night from a few hours of just walking. Brad was in my living room pacing. He's been worried about me because I haven't responded to his texts in a while. We used to facetime everyday. Then that turned into regular phonecalls at some point, then texts. I don't know when I last responded to his or anybody's texts.

It was strange seeing him. I took a shower and then went to lay in bed. He came in and he got in bed with me and I fell asleep to him holding me. I haven't slept like that in so long I can't even remember. I woke up and he was still holding me. It felt too intimate. I asked him to leave and he did. I think something is wrong with me but I don't know what it is or what I should do about it.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just keep going......things will be alright.

Mike said...

Have you considered getting a pet chimpanzee? They are kinda cool. Might be fun.

Ren said...

I just read what seems like your entire life story in 2 hours and I just want to reach this through this phone and give you a hug and maybe show you all the warm white sandy beaches in my country and introduce you to the craziest, funniest humans you'd probably ever meet. Please keep on keeping on, I promise you, there's so much more you're yet to see, do and be happy about ��